To think I shouldn't be paying all this out?

[thepolymysticovary]

DP is a self-employed cab driver. He earns around 1200 per month for around 50 hours a week.

I work 20 hours a week and earn around 600 per month. I have been looking for a full-time job, but to no avail. A part time job is better than no job, I say.

Dp and I are childless, and have lived together for coming up to three years now. We both pay half to all househouse bills which adds up to 700, so 350 each.

As I also have to pay 100 for travel expenses to/from work and other little costs, I am left with next to nothing.

As I really struggle each month, I suggested to dp that it would be fairer if I paid 50 per month, and therefore he paid 50 more. Especially as each month I would say he spends at least 50 on his hobby, 30 on going out for drinks and he buys himself clothes whenever he wishes.

Last month, for three weeks, I was walking with holes the size of fifty pence pieces in my shoes because I couldn't afford new ones til I got paid, and the coat I wear is ten years old and rather threadbear.

Granted, he does take me for weekends away, and for meals out a few times a week, so AIBU and just an ungrateful piece of work?

Before I lived with him, I supported myself. I lived alone in a modest flat, paid all my bills. I was independent. Now, because he wants to live in nicer homes that HE can afford, but I cannot, I end up without money left over. He won't live in anything cheaper.

Tucson, work is slow for him at the moment, hence him only making around 1200 per month, and we are in the north west, not London or anywhere like that.

Steff If he is working 50 hrs a week and she only 20 should he still do 50% of the chores? What is she doing the rest of the time? He's working more and I think she can do more at home. If they were working equal (or close) hours, I would expect a more equal share of housework.
Also I think she said he bought her shoes?

Yes, I think so. They are two adults with no other obligations (like children), so I think both the financial stuff and the household stuff should be split equally. How much mess do two adults generate, anyway?

I didn't see the part about the shoes, so I think he may actually be ok. :)

Maybe you should live by yourself again?

Can HE afford it without your input though?

Gosh I think people are a bit harsh here. It is a partnership .

I would of wanted some compassion from my partner.

Perhaps he even earns more and puts the rest in his savings account that I don't know about. I don't know.

Mmm so before you met him your own rent, food, gas/electric/water/council tax bills all came to less than £350 a month

You didn't have to move in with him, he can live where he chooses as can you.

It's hardly the high life if everything comes to £700 a month all in.

I hope he realise if you ever get pregnant he'll be paying the whole lot plus two other peoples expenses as the argument of not being able to afford childcare card would be played I imagine.

Never knowingly, Yes he can afford it without me. He was living somewhere with exactly the same rent before I came along and paid it alone.

Before I lived with him, I supported myself. I lived alone in a modest flat, paid all my bills. I was independent. Now, because he wants to live in nicer homes that HE can afford, but I cannot, I end up without money left over. He won't live in anything cheaper.

700 for bills is pretty cheap. How much were you paying before? Who buys food?

If he's self-employed as a cab driver, could he give you some shifts in the cab? Maybe you could supplement your income that way.

Yes, HappyMummy, I did. My rent was cheap, I didn't pay travel fares and I was frugal with my shopping and bills so I did get by with 350 per month.

The only fair way is that both of you get 50% claim of disposable income after all the basics have been paid. That's what we did when DH was working 1/6 of what i did when on his apprenticeship and it's what we still do now I'm a SAHM studying full time in prep to go back to work.

What does the £700 actually include. I live in a cheap area and that would not cover rent, utilities, council tax, tv licence, phone, Internet and most importantly food.

So you supported yourself and rented a flat and paid all your own bills and only worked 20 hours a week earning £600 a month before you met him?

He doesn't earn more than you as such, he just works more than double the hours you do, so obviously brings home more money.

You've admitted he treats you and bought you shoes that you needed.

I'm struggling to see the problem here.

I'm shocked that a cab driver earns so little.

I think you should insist he does 50% of the cleaning/cooking as he is obviously so intent on things being even regardless of how much spare time or money you both have.

What brought you to mumsnet op? I do hope your not considering having children with this man.

Maybe you need to rephrase the extra 50 quid thing as a temporary solution only eg. Until I find a full time job. Presumably he can see that you are trying to work full time so it's pretty mean of him to begrudge contributinga bit more while you do this. When I got my first job it was so low paid (even as a full time graduate job) that my dp (now dh) paid a bit extra as he was on a decent salary with company car. If he had insisted on splitting everything in half a.we couldn't have afforded anywhere to live or b. I would have got into horrendous debt (I was already paying off a big graduate loan).

A number of my friends in the same profession -male andfemale- did the same. It evened out over the years as our earning power increased.

I agree with Steff. You are living as partners and paying 50% of the bills but he's unwilling to do 50% of the house work so why should you? I understand you are working less hours but you are doing all the chores and he has the benefit of coming home to a clean house, clean laundry and 'I assume' a cooked meal.

I know he pays for the treats but would he pay for you if you wanted to simply treat yourself or is it only when HE benefits from it, meals out, breaks away, etc?

Please improve your skills, qualifications or what ever you can to increase your OWN financial independence in case of problems in the future. I would be concerned how you would cope if on maternity leave or suffer from a long term illness. Would he support you financially or would he walk away? My husband and I have had situations over the years where he was earning more than I or I more than him. Maybe we were too trusting of each other but it all went 'into the pot' and the bills were paid and we either both benefitted from the good times or supported each other through the hard times. I know that many of my friends 'divide' the bills and keep their own money but it didn't occur to us to do that. Though I suppose I've been lucky enough to have a very strong marriage.

"Tucson, work is slow for him at the moment, hence him only making around 1200 per month, and we are in the north west, not London or anywhere like that."

Is he actually working 50 hours a week or is he just sat around waiting for fares a lot of the time? Is he a private hire driver or a hackney? He might be better off being more choosy about the hours he works. I don't live in London either, in Chesterfield in Derbyshire which is not a particularly monied place either.

Mewkins put it more succinctly than I, but then I am a chatterbox.

I know I have to get a full time job staywithme, but I have been in this job for so long, I am scared and where would you find a full time job? I look in the papers, there just aren't any for someone unskilled and unqualified like I am.

He's playing power games here - he will "treat you" when he sees fit to weekends away yet not pool resources so you could have a bit more equality and financial independence. He has chosen where you live and won't compromise....

In short, he is not treating you as an equal.

I would be looking for both a new job and a new DP.

The only fair way is that both of you get 50% claim of disposable income after all the basics have been paid. That's what we did when DH was working 1/6 of what i did when on his apprenticeship and it's what we still do now I'm a SAHM studying full time in prep to go back to work.

This is what my husband and I do, too, but we're married and our finances are pooled, there is no "his money" and "my money." But, if we were living together and didn't have any children, I would expect us to each pay 50/50.

Tucson, he is sat around, sometimes for about an hour at a time waiting for jobs to come through. He works on a base, rather than hackney. He refuses to change to a potentially better paid base.

I ask him to help with the housework. He just won't do any. At all.

So, I think I have been told. I must get another or a full time job and not be so reliant on dp.

I think it should be pro rata to reflect what you both earn.

steff, I don't know why not being married or having kids means money should be split 50/50. If they were married and/or had children, do you think it should be divvied up differently?

DP earns more than me and pays more than me towards mortgage and bills. If I earned more than him we'd change this to reflect that. Whether a couple are married and have kids or not, you're meant to be a team, aren't you, and to me that means both pulling your weight to whatever degree you're able and supporting one another so one of you isn't going around in shoes and clothes with holes in.

I know on mn the view is once you've moved in together the higher earner should subsidise the lifestyle of the lower earner no matter what, but in reality, unmarried, childless couples rarely pool resources.

Op, when is your rental tenancy up? If relatively soon, I'd take a different approach, tell him you can't afford this rent, so tell him what you can afford each month for your total bills, if you are paying half of everything, what that equates to as a monthly rental cost. Then say he has a choice, if he wants to live with you, he has to accept a lower standard of living in order to rent a smaller/cheaper place you can afford 50% of, or he gets to live in the nicer property, but pays the difference in rent. (I would hold the line that you pay 50% of every other bill).

If he wants to do neither, then until you are earning more, you can't live together. Move out and date.

I do think you should be looking to increase your income, you can't assume a better lifestyle would be funded by your DP. his wage/ lotto winnings are not "family money" until you are a family, either by having dcs together or by making a legal commitment to be a unit with marriage.