To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

I don't like mixing business and pleasure as it can cause all sorts of problems. None of my fellow mangers mix it either. There is no way I would want any of my team to feel pressure to mix outside of work, or feel left out because socialising outside work is not an option for any reason. If there are any significant events such as someone leaving/retiring we do it at lunchtime.

Setting aside it not being good management practice, the majority of us work flexi starting and finishing at different times and live up to two hours away from HQ, so it's not feasible to socialise after work even if anyone wanted to. If you are in a work team, team building should take place in work time.

It's got nothing to do with being snooty.

I told my team in the office there they were taking me out for dinner. (Didn't give them the chance to say no, just the choice of which day.)

OMG. I know what my answer to that would have been.

Ah, I know them well enough to know I could get away with it - wouldn't try it with some of the other offices. (Wouldn't want to with half of them.)

I have kept my work and social life apart for years. I'm paid to be professional with my colleagues, not to spend time outwith working hours with them that I would rather spend with my DH. It's not snooty, it's respecting my own time and family.

Yabu.

My colleagues (when I worked pre babies) were the last people I'd want to spend time with!

Just because you might have to endure them in the day, doesn't mean you should have to in your leisure time!

I very rarely go on works functions. By the time I finish work all I want to do is my evening 'jobs' (tea, animals, tidying) then veg out, chat to DD and do the things I want to do.

I rarely drink, so being sober around the people I work with bores me.

I have little in common with my immediate colleagues - I'm a 42 year old with a child, they are younger, less ties, more lively. Lots of them live in during the week and travel home at weekends. It's like they are 'let loose' and it often goes horribly wrong.

I don't feel comfortable dressing up.

I have evening commitments that mean something to me.

There are some people I work with that I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. There are some that I really like but they get drunk and lairy and I don't want to see that.

I'm not very sociable these days, I did a lot of heavy drinking and socialising when I was younger so maybe I'm all partied out . Plus I'm up at 5am every morning so late nights are a killer.

I would go to the retirement of someone I liked, but I would only stay an hour or so (up to the speeches) then let them get on with it. My own retirement do is a lunchtime meal at a local pub because I don't want any fuss. I would expect that quite a few of the attendees will hang one on afterwards and will pressure me to come, but I won't. It's just not my idea of fun any more, they'll have a better time without me.

I don't think any of that makes me snooty does it?

It is snooty abbey if people make an absolute point of not socialising with colleagues no matter what the event

Well call me snooty if you like, but having been sexually harassed by a colleague at a work event, I will never go to one again, not for anyone, not under any circumstances.

I've just moved jobs and not madly keen to socialise with my new colleagues. I haven't got the time/energy/inclination/child care/cash to do so most of the time, and have no need of any more friends. If I have the money, time and child care to be able to go out I'd rather go out and catch up with one of my genuine friends. Staff nights out are a nightmare of politics, downright bitching and cliques in my experience .

I work in HR and based on the number of disciplinaries I've had to do because of the blurring of work and personal lives. I think limiting the socialising with colleagues does have some merit.

So many posters going completely off point. I was not talking about people who are currently working with a group of people they don't gel with; or people whose current circumstances don't really allow for much after work socialising. Neither was I talking about people who prefer to avoid loud noisy party occasions because it's not their kind of thing.
I was talking about the kind of person who just has a rule that wherever they work, and whatever the type of occasion, they just won't, even very occasionaly, socialise with people from work simply because they're people from work - and for no other reason.

If you don't want to go then don't go, but no point shoving it in people's faces.

I personally don't see the problem, as many of my colleagues are also friends but at 'work dos' do watch how much I drink and what I say.

Also, despite me being very careful to start my OP by making the point that I wasn't talking about people who prefer to do most of their socialising with friends outside of work.... why are some posters saying "YABU because I don't want to build my friendships around work colleagues" Aaagh!

I thought your point was very clear Vintage . But you will always get people who just put their own spin on a post so that they can jump up on their high horse and get all indignant.

Perhaps these folk who don't want to socialise ever with anyone from work don't have a reason or even know why they don't want too themselves.

Just that they don't but can't explain why. Doesn't make them snooty.

Because that's how they are. Why should they justify that to you or anyone else?

You may think it's strange but from what I can see, you making this into a huge deal is stranger.

You've got a million and one different answers and yet none of them are what you wanted to hear.

What do you want us to say? "Because they are weird and you are right" ?

I don't socialise a huge amount with people from work - mainly because I'm just at an age where I don't want to go out that much in the evening and it's hard enough to get around to seeing the friends I have.
But I certainly don't have a blanket rule about it or make a point of saying 'oh I don't socialise with people from work'. I would always make a bit of an effort if it was a leaving event for someone I'd worked closely with or something that a manager had gone to trouble to arrange to thank staff for a particular project they'd worked hard on. And wherever I work it's nice to have one or two people you can go for lunch with occasionally.

YANBU. It is strange to simply select anyone you work with as someone you don't want to socialise with and sometimes it does come across as snooty or ungracious, despite the protestations of some of the people on here trying to defend themselves. Just as sometimes you might go to a wedding or birthday party out of politeness when you'd much prefer to stay at home in your jeans and watch telly, sometimes it's polite to attend an event that involves people you work with. And if you aren't going to something, just make a nice excuse, don't put your nose in the air and say 'oh no, I keep work and social life separate'. Whether you like it or not, people will judge you for comments like that.

Totally agree carts, it's the rude snotty way some people react to work related invitations, or the ungracious attitude they have towards someone trying to include them in a celebration or thank you meal that grates.
Like you, I don't spend a huge amount of my time out and about with colleagues. But I hope I have the manners to realise when it's okay to not turn up at something and when it would really make a difference to someone if I even showed my face for an hour or gave a very polite and convincing reason as to why I couldn't go. Rather than just adopt an 'attitude' or 'pose' about socialising with colleagues.

I don't socialise with people from work, I don't have colleagues as "friends" on facebook or other social media either.... they are work colleagues... not friends, why would I choose to spend time outside work with them.

I DID in a previous job - I was young and I did not realise it was not compulsory, my whole life used to revolve around work, friendships were made, etc etc etc...

then I left to have kids and felt it was a bit of a "growing up" phase, went to work somewhere else part-time and just have never socialised or attended "works nights out" - not for any reasons other than I don't have to and I don't want to..

I don't think I'm "snooty",I just see my job as "just a job", turn up, do the job, go home, live life.....

"Whether you like it or not, people will judge you for comments like that"

Which tells you more about the person doing the judging.

From what I've seen, those who wouldn't go to work do's wouldn't give a monkeys about what other people thought of them anyway.

I've found as I get older, other people's opinions matter less and less

Some right misery knobs on this thread. I'm not the most outgoing person on earth. I hate parties and weddings with a passion and absolutely dread having to go to them - and I much, much prefer to be at home with family and curled up in front of the telly than in a pub with a crowd from work.

But even I manage to occasionally drag my anti social arse to the pub for a quick glass of wine after work when someone who's been good to me is leaving; or to the pizza parlour down the road for lunch to cheer up someone who's had a bad time, or to bid farewell to a close workmate heading off on maternity leave.

I think a bit of balance is the key. Hanging around with colleagues all the time, or pressurising people to go to the pub every Friday or the Christmas party every year is not on. But that's not what the OP is talking about. Having this black and white rule re socialising with colleagues is daft and can sometimes be rude or inconsiderate, depending on the occasion - the same as with all social events be they family, friendship groups or work colleagues. Sometimes you just go to something because you're thinking of the other person, not just yourself.

I don't go because they always go out in the town I work in which is 10 miles away and they always go out straight after work.
Good for them with no dc but I have to pick mine up from nursery and school so can't ever.
I must admit if I make the time to socialise I'd rather it was with my friends or family.

Me too Stardust but I've also learnt that sometimes you put other people first and it's not always about you.
Someone in work really wanted to take a couple of us out for a meal recently because we'd given her a lot of help with a promotion she was going for. Was I supposed to snub her, simply because I'd rather spend my Friday with my friends or family? It was about three hours out of my life and it was very kind of her.
Likewise, another woman at work was very down recently because her only child emigrated to Canada. Someone suggested that the six of us on our team bring her out for lunch to cheer her up. It would have suited me better to take a short lunch and get home early to take the children to the park for a picnic on a sunny Friday evening. Was I going to just refuse to go on the lunch?

That's different Ledkr. You have a practical reason why it's not possible to go. I don't think that's what the thread is about though.