To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

I never go. It's not a rule, but it never happens. I don't drink anymore - the hangovers weren't worth it - and would quickly get left behind. I have been out on work do's in the past, but it was hard work. Years ago, there were always stories about who got the most drunk and made the silliest mistakes, stories that would be dredged up for not just months but years afterwards, but now with phone cameras it's a hundred times worse with the evidence available to be passed around the workplace and maybe even FB. Doesn't bear thinking about. Too bad if it comes across as snooty, which I doubt; the alternative - an evening which would of necessity be crushingly boring, watching my p's and q's as if in my work role talking about stuff I haven't got much interest in and trying not to make a fool of myself in front of the bosses - would be far worse. When I retire I hope to do so without any kind of event.

I've been at the same company for 15 years and have been on one Christmas party in that time and no other social events. I'm not interested in socialising with colleagues nor them me. It's not about being snooty we've just got nothing in common

While I spend more time in work with colleagues than I do my baby and boyfriend every weekend my priority is to go home to them. Do go occasionally but it's not my preference.

You are not being unreasonable.

It's perfectly possible to have a life and do your socialising with friends who aren't colleagues yet be sociable with your colleagues and generally join in. Some colleagues might attend after work or weekend events really rarely but are still very much part of the crew because they don't have the "I'm too good to come out with you guys" attitude and will participate in the office with things like collections, birthdays, charity fundraising, and any social events at lunchtimes. At least I hope so because I'm more or less that person!

I work on the alternate principle for work things ( and sending xmas cards). I go to every other event. Still showing my face but not too intrusive. I didn't go to leaving drinks tonight but am going to another event next week.

Go out twice a year otherwise just occasionally see two others. Some socialise a lot with each other. Others don't ever go. One said "I have to work with them I don't have to drink with them." We go for a meal and a knees up.

Sorry haven't read the full thread so this may have been said. I'm part of a group of work colleagues who regularly socialise and try to be inclusive of others. There's a difference between being told 'sorry I can't make it, i haven't seen my DP all week / I'm knackered and need some down time / I've already got plans' and the line some people give of 'why would i want to hang out with people from work / i never socialise with work colleagues / I have my own friends thank you very much etc'. The first type of response makes me think 'fair enough / good for you', and the second makes me think 'I'm clearly not good enough for you to socialise with'.

I've been at the same company for 15 years and have been on one Christmas party in that time and no other social events. I'm not interested in socialising with colleagues nor them me. It's not about being snooty we've just got nothing in common

Nothing in common aside from working with them for 15 years and being human.

I'm intrigued by all these people who are so unique that they can find a work place where they have nothing in common with everyone else there. I suppose if I took a job with say a charity promoting religion or fox hunting (to name 2 things I'm very anti) I might struggle but I would not have taken the job in the first place.

I agree with newbluetrue There is a world of difference between the 2 responses she suggests.

I don't socialise. Most of the time I'm not even aware of social events. I go for a brew with the HoD a couple of times a week but that's it.

My face doesn't fit. Whole other thread!

Bollystbrieuc79 why did you find and revive this zombie?

I never go for the simple reason that DH and I don't have the money for that kind of thing plus I'm quite shy and would feel very isolated at any social event and my work colleagues dislike me anyway so they wouldn't want me there.

Some of my best nights out ever have been with colleagues. Crying with laughter sort of thing. Then Mr Gove came along...

Summerbreezing I have two kids and no babysitter , but I mainly don't go because it's an old boys' network and I am the only woman in the team.

Also driving and it's not the same sitting there with a glass of water while everyone else is getting slowly but surely inebriated.

I don't always go to the "whole company" social things (or at least I don't prioritise them over other stuff so I probably go 30-50% of the time), but I quite often have a quick drink with some of the women I work with on a Friday (most of them don't have kids so they make a night of it and I head home for bedtime) and I also run one evening a week with a few guys from work and sometimes we do races together. I work in a big international company but I'm the only person in my department in my country so unless I want to be professionally isolated, it's in my interests to socialise.

I would go to a wedding reception or retirement party of a colleague for sure, but I can't be arsed anymore with bowling, "activity days", pub quizzes etc. When I was younger and didn't have kids, yes, but now I have kids I prefer to spend the small amount of time I get for socialising with my own friends. Also these "fun" nights are often organised for close to where the organiser lives, which means driving for me (i.e. no drinking) or a taxi ride (i.e. expensive there and back). Lots of reasons.

Didn't realise this was a zombie thread until I was over half way through it. Oh well.
I worked for a charity for 12 years. We all had a passion for the thing we were doing. As a result, we worked together, socialised and most of us lived together. As flat mates and as couples, depending on the stage you were at. I met DH there, our best man was also my deputy head of department, and we even got married at the headquarters of the organisation. Even though we've now left, my closest and best group of friends are those from the days at the charity. We meet up once a year at least as a big group, now with partners and kids in tow, and see each other in smaller groups regularly. I loved going to work partly because I loved my job but also because I was spending each and every day hanging out with mates.
My new place of work I don't socialise anywhere near as much and I miss it, but I don't have the babysitters.
I read threads like this and I realise how lucky we were. The fact that we are all still close friends a decade later would suggest it was a common interest that brought us together and led to us working as a group, but more than that, a proper friendship, which underpins it now.

YABU! I used to work in a small team, mostly women, who were very keen on having team nights out. I would go on special occasions e.g. leaving do, but generally stay for a couple of drinks and head home. They were all nice enough, but I didn't have a lot in common with them, and were it not for the fact we worked together, I wouldn't have come across them in a social capacity or chosen them as friends. I had constant remarks about me thinking I was too good for them, when in fact I just didn't fancy spending more time with them than I did during the day in the local crappy pub getting shitfaced on cheap white wine, when I could be doing something I actually enjoyed.

I have since changed jobs and work with people I have much more in common with and now go happily to most work social events as I actually enjoy their company.

I'm pretty sure the people I used to work with still think I'm a stuck up cow, but my spare time is too precious to me to spend it with people I'm not that fussed on, doing things I'm not that fussed on!

I'm an introvert. I find it hard enough to drag myself out of my home to see friends, much more so work colleagues with whom I am on merely polite terms (if lucky). Reason #586 why I went freelance...

Not everyone finds socialising easy.

I never socialise with people from work. I maintain absolute clear boundaries between home and work. Never talk about home at work and vice versa. I work to live, not the other way around.

Sorry YABU why would my partner go to a do with people he don't like that much. He would be better spending his time with his 3 children

Before I had children and my partner we socialised with colleagues but when you have a family things change. Do you have children to care for?

I have Asperger's and am starting work in September.
I will not be attending any social functions as I find them too difficult and exhausting. Socialising makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Vintagejazz I think I get where you are coming from you are asking a question to other mums about socialising on mumsnet. I think you should talk to you're friends about this I think they will understand you better.

It might be 'just one night out' but it just feels such a waste to spend a rare night out in a bar I can't stand with people I've spent all day with any way. - I agree. Nights out are a rarity for me anyway but if I am going on a night out it would preferably be with people I don't really get to see so much on other occasions. Going out can prove expensive, depending on the occasion, new outfit, possible babysitting expenses, taxi home, most likely food and the price of alcohol is extortionate (compared to when I was younger anyway) - I'm just not fond of the idea of spending in the region of £60 - £80 to spend time with people I see 5 days a week.

I don't think it's necessarily snooty. I have been at my work place for 6y and have never really socialised with them. I do live a bit further away from town than most of them and the whole logistics of driving to a place 45min away and organising childcare is just a bit too much hassle for me. I would rather focus on trying to foster friendships with people (geographically) closer to me.

I think a lot of people get a lot pickier once they have kids and free time becomes a lot more precious. When you're eighteen nights out tend to be any excuse to go out though.