To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

Well if I'm honest there are days that I could get dh to get the dc but I'd rather get home and see them all.
I don't go out much so I like to save the effort, money and time for friends.

mmm.... I work part time (12 hr/wk) in a shop and these "social events" just don't happen there.... people leave all the time, people have the upsets of life all the time, we don't get a lunch break together as we need to keep the (large national) shop open, everyone works different shifts too, so meeting up after work is not really applicable.....

only real "social" is the Christmas meal and I don't want to go - simply because I don't want to. Otherwise people have to make arrangements to go out for an evening - which is what I do with friends - not colleagues.. (who I might only be on the same shift with for one or 2 hours a week.. not everyone is with the same people 9-5)

I hardly ever socialise with people from work. I'm with them all day and prefer to get away in the evenings and do other things with other people.

But even I am shocked at some of the snooty, up themselves responses on this thread. Sometimes it's gracious/considerate/mannerly to just smile and go along to something, even for a short while. No need for analysing and agonising and deciding you're this type personality or that type personality. Just grit your teeth once or twice a year, and accept the inevitable.

I think it can come across as very rude to not go on work dos ever

Our Christmas party for example is done in house (we're a school) on the last night of term. It's not the best night out ever (school dining room, school hall etc but the amount of effort the office, catering and maintenance staff go to to get it all ready and give everybody the best night possible is amazing (incredible buffet, lots of decorations, good atmosphere). To throw that all back in their face by not attending for no good reason would, imo, be very rude and snooty.

I appreciate what people have said about not having a passion for their job so retract my earlier statement about it being obvious that you will have things in common. But I do find comments like 'go to work, come home, live life' a little sad (not pathetic-sad, actual-sad). Work is the majority of your life in terms of time, I'd find it incredibly tough, emotionally speaking, if I wasn't enjoying it and the people around me. That's not something I've really considered before.

Exactly Manic. We have a social club at work who went to a huge amount of trouble to organise a Stars in their Eyes night in aid of a colleague's sick child. A huge crowd went and a lot of money was raised. There was no way I was going to be churlish and not go (and actually it turned out to be great fun).
Likewise, our boss always takes us out for a meal at Christmas as a thank you. He goes to loads of trouble picking a nice restaurant, choosing little presents for everyone and making sure everyone has transport home. I'm not going to throw that back in his face by snootily telling everyone that I don't socialise at work.
Some people need to occasionally forget about themselves and stop being so precious.

I am lucky in that I like my colleagues and we get on well. I work in a university so we might have end of term drinks or I will attend weddings/big birthdays. Our work also puts on a lot of staff events so I will attend them but I don't really see anyone outside of work related do's. I actually rent a room off my boss but we keep our social lives very separate and try not to talk about work. We are housemates and get on quite well but it is purely a business like arrangement and we are not friends.

To be honest, there seems to be an attitude by some people on this thread that because they don't go to work events they value time with family, dcs and friends more than the people who do attend.

But that's not the case. I think the difference is that some people can discern when it makes no difference whatsoever whether or not they go to something; when it might be prudent to have a very convincing excuse not to go; and when it will cause huge hurt or disappointment to someone if they don't go.

The vast, vast majority of your workmates probably much prefer to be at home with their kids or out pursuing hobbies and interests than going to work events. But the polite, considerate ones know that sometimes, just sometimes, you should really make the effort and put your own feelings to one side.

I used to socialise a lot pre children; most of my friends I've made through my job over the years. Now I rarely go out unless it's for a 'reason', somebody leaving/Xmas do or something - we do go for breakfast/lunch almost every Friday at the moment too. I do 'show face' for after work drinks v occasionally if it is for someone leaving, stay for a couple of cokes and go after speeches or I will be polite with an excuse.

I find it really rude and obnoxious if/when someone who is asked to join in says "why would I want to socialise with people I work with". That is in effect saying "you are a bunch of twats that I would not choose as friends", and to be honest, if that is someone's opinion of me then they can fuck off.

And I'm another one who met my husband through after work socialising. The work thing was the common bond that we had which gave us the opener to strike up conversation in the first place.

UpwithetheLark good post. I was an employee and now am an employer and from view point of both sides agree with what you say.

Scarlett yes, reading through this I was starting to feel sorry for so many posters who apparently work in places entirely staffed by gropers/bores/idiots.

YANBU

It can be quite lovely forming relationships with colleagues outside of work.

Some people have a weird idea that work and socialising don't mix, full stop. I think they are potentially missing out. Their call I suppose, but a strange way of looking at life.

I work part time - the majority of my life is not spent at work..

due to shift patterns I (like many, many others who don't do the 9-5 thing) spend an hour or 2 a week with the same people... some weeks it is different people every hour, every shift... no common lunch break, no common end time....

everyone's workplace dynamic is different...

I have to say, when I hear a poster dismissing their entire work force as dull/lecherous knobs that they wouldn't socialise with in a million years, I hear warning bells go off in my head. I wonder what their colleagues would say about them if asked.

Well I don't think Star that that's what the point of the thread is. It's about people who have plenty of opportunity to socialise with colleagues but, across every workplace they've been in, have introduced a rule that they 'don't do socialising with colleagues'. That's just snooty.

I rarely go out - I'm a lone parent and I can't afford a sitter often. I booked a sitter when the fab HT from my last school retired but sitter let me down at the last moment. I don't think I've been to a works thing since, I don't really gel with my colleagues - no one stays very long anyway. I've kept in touch with 3 of the teachers who've left.

It depends on the colleagues. I have several friends I met through work and enjoyed socialising with them.

On the other hand, I've spent way too many evenings with boring, pompous bosses at office parties etc.

YANBU. It wouldn't kill you to go a leaving/Xmas do, once or twice a year for an hour or two just to just to wish them luck on their future. I understand that people ar single parents (I am one myself) but making the effort to go to the Xmas party once a year isn't exactly going to waste your whole life is it.

I'm not the most sociable person but have made the effort to find a baby sitter to go to the big dos.

In my experience, anyway, people who have busy interesting lives outside of work and do lots of family stuff, usually manage to squeeze in a bit of time to be pleasant and polite regarding social events at work ie going along to a couple of things a year when it would be rude or inconsiderate not to.

The people who make a big, sour faced, song and dance about not mixing work and pleasure are often trying to hard to prove something.

I do please myself much more as I get older, it's true.

I rarely go to after work things. The location of my job is just too awkward. Also, I find it hard enough to get around to seeing old friends so prefer to prioritise that.

However, I would never ever go around stating that I 'don't socialise' with colleagues and would always make a special effort if it's for something important or for someone who has been a good boss or workmate to me. Putting your nose in the air and deciding that you just won't mix work and pleasure, no matter what the circumstances is just rude and snooty, regardless of how some posters have tried to justify that stance.

the ones who WANT to socialise are usually the ones I want to avoid the most.....