To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

When I was young childless and intermittently single and moving from job to job (hospital Dr) most of my social life revolved around people I knew from work, many of whom are still friends.

Since becoming a single parent and being a GP, I try to avoid work nights out if I can. If someone I particularly like leaves I will endeavour to go to their leaving do, and I drag myself to maybe 1 in 3 Christmas parties. But I never enjoy it. My colleagues are nice enough, but they're not people I would choose to socialise with. I get so few nights out that it seems a waste to spend them with people other than good friends.

I don't think that's snooty. Why should anyone be forced to spend precious free time with people who aren't friends or family?

YABU to think it's "snooty".

I used to go out with colleagues when I was younger and it was fine, made and kept some great friends. As I've got older I find the whole social thing really, really hard - I've moved on from the whole going out on the lash thing, find being part of a big group really hard going & used to find myself just hovering on the edge feeling increasingly awkward. Then it dawned on me - I just don't like it anymore!!

I have been to the odd leaving do for people I've know for a long time, small group meal, but the Friday night pub crawl? Nope. Am sure some people think I'm weird/snooty/odd, but I'm kind of too old to care now and unlikely to change. Don't take it personally, it may just not be 'their thing'.

Can I ask those that dont, if you have busy social lives elsewhere?

And if you are a private person, why?

[know someone who seems lovely but describes herself as private, but cant ask why she is so private.
I used to think that private people had things to hide, but I dont think thtis person does, so am confused.

Not sure if this constitutes a derailment or going off topic or not.

I'm perfectly friendly and very professional. But I am not keen to socialise with people who actively dislike me.

Just because someone is a "private person" or just doesn't want to go out, doesn't mean that they have anything to hide FFS.

It's just they way they are and their preference. Like yours is going out to spend time with people you spend all day with, others prefer not to.

There's nothing more to it.

I don't like going out in a huge group. I hate sitting at long tables of people in restaurants having my order shouted out by a waiter and having to put my hand up for it like I'm at school. I find very drunk people quite alarming and very, very embarrassing.

I don't do work nights out.

And I actually really do like the people I work with.

So I think YABU.

Team lunches, I hated team lunches. It was just a stealth way to have meeting without paying you.

Lunchtimes I'd not even stay in the building, it was an hours break away from work to read, listen to music or have a walk and chat on the phone.

Don't think being a private/lovely person is mutually exclusive??

People would probably say I'm private as I don't do the whole social thing and I AM lovely

With nothing that sinister to hide

The only sinister thing I do is MNetting.

summer I hate spending my own time with anyone, tbh. So it isn't a case of preferring to spend it with "real friends" etc. I get really bad anxiety these days but luckily if anyone leaves/has a birthday etc and goes out for drinks, I am not expected to go. Having had panic attacks in some social situations, I am not willing to risk it in front of people I have to face at work the next day.

So I don't think I am being in any way snooty - just keeping myself away from unnecessarily stressful situations.

snoofle I am private because I want to be that way (also the anxiety).

I just hate having to share my time with any other people when I don't have to. I don't benefit in any way by it, so it is just a waste of a few hours.

To be honest I can't see why anyone would want to construct their friendship group around work colleagues.

I do the minimum socialising at work - some leaving dos, occasional drinks, that's it. Avoid Christmas dos like the plague. And I don't fill my Facebook with colleague either. It's just personal boundaries and preference, nothing 'snooty' (whatever that means...) about it. I'm perfectly friendly in work. It's just that work is not my life.

You are assuming a lot. I have many reasons why I don't socialise but the main one is that my workplace is divided up into teams and my team is, well, just me. They are incredibly clique-y though nice enough. I vowed I'd never go to a works do again after being continually ignored at one. The conversation would literally stop when I tried to join in. I felt like a pariah And no, I'm not even management!

YANBU.

I really can't understand all the people who say things like 'they are my colleagues not my friends, why would I socialise with them, we have nothing in common' etc.

You spend all day with these people. You have chosen the same field of work. To me that surely suggests that you a) will naturally become friends/friendly and that b) you must have had plenty in common to start with to choose the same job.

My work colleagues are all either close friends, friends or people I get on well with. Work would be a pretty miserable place to be if it was any different! Going to the pub, to each other's houses, hanging out in common areas at work, going on specially arranged nights out etc is important.

If you're going to spend most of your life around the same people you might as well be friends with them!!

YABU - my husband never goes on work dos because, quite simply, he'd rather be at home with me than out with people he works with (his words, not mine). Why would you want to spend money getting to and from a place and then having to spend money while you're out when you could be spending it on something you'd rather be doing?
To be honest, I think it's better to take the stance that you never do work dos, no matter what they are - at least then your fellow workers know where you stand and that it's nothing personal. They're your colleagues - if you happen to get on with them at work, that's brilliant - but they're not your outside life!!!

YABVU to describe it as snooty.

I think there are a lot of hidden reasons why people avoid work events. I know some colleagues are very short of money and really can't afford it.

I rarely go to work events ( unless a close friend) as I suffer from social anxiety, which I try and disguise and make excuses like the kids etc. I am fine with other friends, family etc. I also really hate pubs (alcoholic parent) and avoid them where possible.

YABU - both myself and hubby avoid do's like the plague. Mostly its because we both work far away from where we live so it would mean no alcohol and I can't do the chit chat without a drink. And to be honest I'm really not that interested in what Claire from accounts does with her free time and she probably feels the same about me. Its just another forced social occasion with people whose only common interest is work - and who wants to talk about work when they are out socialising!!

It's not "snooty" in the slightest - I'm the least snooty person in the world and I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go to any work social events. By random circumstances of employment i work with these particularly people - it's not as if I set out to choose them as friends. Time with my friends and family is precious to me and I'm not going to waste time hanging out with colleagues. I get on well enough with them and that's enough for me, absolutely no need to socialise outside working hours!

But what do I know, maybe I'm a joyless, soulless boring old fart

You are being a bit unreasonable I think. I am an introvert and find being with more than a couple of people at a time really really hard work. I don't drink so spending the evening in a pub just bores me rigid. I socialise with a few of the girls that I actually like, the rest of them I would never choose to spend time with, just make the effort to get on with them at work because it makes everyone's life more pleasant.

My working life over the past 30 years has involved stints working with the police, in the civil service, with the NHS and in schools. I've seen so much shit hit the fan at works nights out that I steer well clear.
I am the annoying one in the office on time the next morning with no hangover, saying 'No.....!' In a disbelieving voice

I was just coming on to say that I avoid work do's generally because so many times there have been 'incidents' which got dragged into work and caused ructions that I just don't want anything to do with them as then I can't be a 'witness'.
Also, if a colleague is leaving, unless we are staying friends outside of work or we actually worked closely together, I can't say that I'm really bothered about spending time with them to say bye. A quick hug and good luck as we part ways is enough!

My post above should have read 'I was coming on to say ...... but springlamb beat me to it'