To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

MN is curiously full of people who really don't like doing stuff with other people much at all.

I think it varies with your life stage and indeed your job, the degree to which one tends to hang out with colleagues (ie by the time you've shagged several one of them, got up the duff and have kids, you're less likely to spend Fridays after work in the pub). I've had colleagues I absolutely adored and ones I really didn't care for much at all. In my last in-house job I wasn't mad about going to the Christmas party for various different reasons. What I do think is out of order is having a blanket rule of no not ever not even leaving dos.

I moved into my sector in London in my mid twenties and as a result made most of my friends through work here. We're all in different organisations now but I regularly see people for a drink that I worked with ten years ago.

However... I don't go out drinking with my current colleagues more than attending the annual staff conference and Christmas party, because I'm on the senior management team and it would be weird for both them and me.

Yes, I have many lovely friends I've met through work. Including Mr Inferior.

You spend all day with these people. You have chosen the same field of work. To me that surely suggests that you a) will naturally become friends/friendly and that b) you must have had plenty in common to start with to choose the same job

Work pays for life, it isn't ever going to be my life. Not socialising doesn't mean not passing the time of day but nothing more than that.

MN is curiously full of people who really don't like doing stuff with other people much at all.

I came to that conclusion a couple of weeks ago too, motherinferior.
But I realised that it does make sense.
Some people I know, well lots actually, are very sociable. I asked a couple of them once about mumsnet, and they had never heard of it[this was about a year ago, so may have heard of it since?]
And I realised that no, they were not likely to go on here. Because they were busy in real life.

Actually that reads a bit rude. Didnt mean for it to be.
What I meant was, if people are busy going here and there, and talking, and organising and whatever, they are not going to sit down much. And definitely not to chat on mumsnet to strangers.

I'm not sure what this thread is about really. Surely it is only a very rare person who would never socialise with anyone from work in 30 years - like the example in your op.

In my work I am a bit bereft of colleagues (ie. I spend most of my time alone all day) which is nice, but I do kind of miss the Friday night impromptu quick ones which became whole evenings on the beer and a bag of chips on the way home.

But those nights were all well before I had dc anyway, I just wouldn't go out with colleagues now. Nights out are rare and need to be negotiated, either with dh or a babysitter - I am sure going out with work mates would be extremely low on my list of priorities these days.

My work colleagues don't meet up 'down the pub' exactly but we do have outings every so often, and wild xmas parties that most people attend.

There are only 2 older women who don't attend most outings / parties but their husbands are controlling with alcohol problems which puts them off wanting to be around people who drink.

I can't drink alcohol now but when I could and I was a lot younger I used to drink to excess at work parties with everyone else and it was fun - now I'm stuck being stone cold sober all the time it's not so much fun for me, although it's funny watching my colleagues' antics...

Actually re-reading that I suppose it's quite sad that nights out are still based around drinking to excess even though most of my colleagues are actually good fun when sober. I know one or two of them do have an alcohol problem.

I'm screaming inside all day when I'm at work. I will not waste more time out of my life by being around those people when I'm not getting paid for it. By the time I get home from a normal day I'm exhausted mentally and physically, and have nothing left to give.

My last job was the complete opposite. I made several best friends there.
So it depends on the type of people you work with.

I got a lot of flack when my kids were small because I wasn't 'supporting the team' by going to the pub after work. I pointed out that with 2 pre school children and a not very well husband my 'home team' had the greater call on my time. I did go to the big celebrations, just not the evening pub jaunts and the team building sky diving for charity (really hard to get them to understand why I wouldn't sort childcare for the weekend to do that one-until they had their own kids a few years later).

Now my children are grown and I still don't enjoy ad hoc socialising with my colleagues. I'm the boss and their interests and conversation are a million miles away from mine. Again, I do the big events with a good grace but a girlie lunch or night out - no!

My boss is a bully and I feel very uncomfortable around them. At the last Christmas party 2 years ago my boss helped themselves to my drinks without asking. Then another person tried to make out that i was stealing their drink. My boss would also organise curry evenings and not invite me (i am the longest-serving team member, although part-time). So last Christmas I Decided that's it, no more office socialising. I haven't missed it at all. And having children and no babysitter is the perfect excuse. If that makes me look snooty, so be it

I don't make a point of not going on work outings but it is very rare.

This year someone I'm close to is retiring so I'll go to that but otherwise I don't bother.

I never go to the whole staff Christmas party etc. because they are generally hideous affairs where people drink far too much and make fools of themselves.

It's down to personal preference IMO

Each to his own.

Why would you care OP? Who knows what goes on in your colleagues' lives when they are out of the office, no one should feel obliged to socialise with work people if they don't feel like it.

Can I ask those that dont, if you have busy social lives elsewhere?

My social life if me, my husband and my children. I only see my family when it really can't be avoided ie weddings and funerals. I do have a few long term friends but often I don't see them for years on end. I just don't do 'socialising'.

Disclaimer: I have AS and find the need to congregate in groups, drink alcohol and chatter about nothing in particular weird as weird can be.

It's unfair to judge those who choose not to go out with work colleagues, however close they are to them. Over the last year I choose not to socialise with work colleagues because of the cliquey groups which have developed. I love some of my colleagues but it's the people who behave very unprofessionally whist out and who gossip at the events and then continue it at work who make it not worth it.

I always contribute to leaving presents, cards and I make the effort to speak to my work colleagues. It's definitely not me being snooty, but I suppose it might look a bit that way. It won't change my decision though.

I attend birthday lunches and Christmas lunch. However I do not spend time with colleagues outside of lunch.

My friend is very sociable at work and makes friends very easily. I used to envy her ability to make friends wherever she worked. However I have since noticed she has had her fair share of falling out with colleagues/being close to one then moving on to anotherlike at school.

I do not get close enough to have fall outs. It can make work life very difficult. I have witnessed it more than enough times especially amongst women.

Outside of work

I am also an introvert so enjoy my one hour lunch locked in a room with my headphones or mnetting. I have wondered if my colleagues think I am antisocial. I seriously need that time to myself. Some colleagues go out in twos/threes every day. It is just not for me.

YABU to says it's being snooty.

I'd just rather not socialise with my workmates outside of work. And most of the time I can't afford it so any cash I do have I'd rather spending on having a good time with my dh and girls.

I'm no longer interested in going on a night out with the folk I've spent a shift with during the day. Add to that, works been shite lately so it appeals even less.

And what's worse still is being asked to go out after you've already politely declined. Next thing you're called a miserable bugger.

I'm not. I just don't want to go out, why does that make me miserable?

I work long hours in an extremely small office. I do not want to spend anymore time at work than I do now. Once I thought I might have to go to the annual night out at the dogs. But, fortune smiled at me and the dog track closed down three weeks before the night out.

We're going out next week - because our manager is away. We tend to only go out once or twice a year, so I don't feel it's a very heavy burden, and it does help the team bond a bit.

I do actually like quite a few of my colleagues, and when I was on holiday in Amsterdam, I told my team in the office there they were taking me out for dinner. (Didn't give them the chance to say no, just the choice of which day.) I had a really lovely evening, and I think they enjoyed themselves, too. We didn't talk about work, either.

It's fine when it's once in a while, but I wouldn't do every Friday down the pub like I did in my 20s - and I don't think the rest of them would either. We're all older, some have to think about childcare, and we all have different things on.

I told my team in the office there they were taking me out for dinner. (Didn't give them the chance to say no, just the choice of which day.)

OMG. I know what my answer to that would have been.

I don't see how a person's social life is relevant to whether or not they go out with colleagues. They may have a full calendar, they may go home, have tea and watch TV every single evening. None of your business or relevant to whether they want to go out, as long as they're happy with it.

I don't do work evenings out, leavings dos (apart from one or two people I continue to be friends with outside work), drinks after work and certainly not Christmas dos. I have in the past and frankly, I found it all tedious. I have two horses I spend an awful lot of money and time on so frankly, yes, I do have better things to be getting on with and spending my money on than making small talk with people I happen to work with. For the record, I get on very well with my colleagues and, as I said, consider a few good friends. For example, I went to the cinema with a couple of them a few months ago to see a film we were all excited about seeing; one of them was the former colleague who's leaving do I went on. However, had it been arranged for the whole team, even if it was to see the same film, I probably wouldn't have gone because I'm not that interested in spending time with most people outside of work.

I have been on a works night out last Christmas and have avoided any work related social gatherings since.

I just wouldn't choose to be friends in that way with them. It's enough having to listen to their inane drivelling's all day in work, never mind outside. It's a constant source of amazement to me how they can yak about utter shite for the length of time they do.

Also, this puzzles me. These people are like instant best friends. Even if someone has been there for say a couple of months, there's birthday cards, presents, flowers, texts, FB exchanges (not me, have avoided it) as if they've known each other for years

What's that all about?

In my previous job, the place was so poisonous the only socialising was the xmas lunch, it was at least limited to 2 hours.

In the current job, it's amazingly better. Have been on a few lunches, and an evening meal. I do live about 20 miles away and transport issues means I have to drive, but the odd occasion now and again will be fine for me.

So it's got to be done to the individual work situation. One place is fine, and the other, well... no chance of socialising.