To think it's snooty to make a point of not socialising with colleagues

[Vintagejazz]

I'm not talking of people who prefer, most of the time, to socialise with friends outside of work. That's probably healthy and normal.

But I've come across some people who, on some kind of point of principle, refuse to entertain the idea of going to any social event that's work related or to even to just go for a casual drink with a colleague after work. I even know a guy who boasted that in 30 years working he had never been to a retirement do, a promotion celebration or an office Christmas party. He seemed to think that was some kind of admirable achievement.

AIBU to think that it's a bit of a silly position to take and there's no harm in occasionally going to the pub with colleagues to wish someone well in their retirement or even just to have a wind down and a laugh with people you spend so much time with in a work related setting?

A wink means a joke!?! Oh bloody hell!

Crystal exactly! It aint gonna happen is it

Crystal - I am upset because I want you to like your work colleagues.

Most people spend such a large part of their life working - it is upsetting to me that the people you work with are so awful that you wouldn't even contemplate a lunch/breakfast/coffee away from the workplace in their company.

I cannot comprehend working somewhere where I don't like my work colleagues, it has never happened in the 25 years I have had jobs (and I have had many, many different jobs and work environments/colleagues over the years).

I am a different personality type to you - I am an extrovert (although a shy one), but not a 'holiday rep' style social railroader. I don't go out much nowadays as my priorities and ideas of fun have changed hugely since I was younger and child free, but I tend to prefer large, impersonal groups and have lots of acquaintances - the thought of a small group of close friends who socialise with each other and do 'dinners' and stuff is my idea of hell, although I do like being on my own too.

It has bugger all to do with me why someone doesn't want to join in with a work lunch in the cafe or similar, but it would upset me to think that they are unhappy and that the rest of us are 'arseholes'.

Ooh - have just had another thought.

A poster upthread said something along the lines of pulling her toenails out being preferable to work socialising.

That's fine, you can say
"I would rather pull my own toenails off than go bowling",

but it's when someone adds the extra bit that it is a crappy attitude.
ie "I would rather pull my own toenails off than go bowling with you ".

There lies the difference between twat and reasonable imo.

Scarlett I am unlikely to say that I would rather pull my toenails out than go bowling because that is of itself a criticism of the choice of activity. It also leads to people saying 'what would you like to do instead' where I would have to confess to my preference for gardening based conversations. I dont want to make my colleagues do what I want to do. I just dont want to be made to do what they want to do.

*Sorry, I said I have never disliked my work colleagues a couple of posts back, obviously there have been people I have not liked and people I have not gelled with or had personality clashes with.

What I meant was I have never disliked everyone or 'most people', there are usually far more I like than than not.

Gnome at having to divulge love of gardening based conversations.

See, I would say that. Actually say, "do you know what, I like to talk about vegetable gardening and doing up houses over a nice cup of tea - can we do that?!"

There may be others who are hiding their love of the same things under a bushel for fear of outing their pedestrian tastes to the beer swilling, gym bunnying, reality tv loving masses!

I you take a definitive stand against socializing with co-workers and publicize it, most anyone who does socialize with co-workers will view you as a wanker, (even though you can avoid a lot of pitfalls this way).

As with all of these kinds of decisions, if you make them quietly/internally, and avoid publicizing them, then no one will really care. But everyone should probably go to the most important work events (like a long-term employee leaving) and you can just have 2 drinks and leave before the serious workplace dramas take hold.

I think there are different types of work socialising - there are the formal corporate events (I don't mind one of those once every couple of years or so, there are formally organised events like bowling (that is to be avoided with my team, because a couple of them get really competitive about it, and the rest of us don't give a damn), there are thinks like retirement do's, and there are things you organise yourselves.

Whether you have the opportunity for some or all of those will depend partly on the sort of work you do and sort of employer/size of employer you have. I think it's quite reasonable to not to want to do all those sorts of socialising, but I think I would feel the need once in a while to try and get to know some of my colleagues a bit better than just work-related stuff from time to time, because knowing how people think and what they're interested in can help communication, which can help how we work together.

See the bunfight upthread? I can understand why people might avoid work socialising if they think that might be an outcome

I do all formal corporate events - best behaviour. I can understand why some people - especially those with children and / or a long commute find them tiresome - but I do them for my career, not because I enjoy them.

Informal piss ups? It depends how well I know the people. I tend to be well behaved but with an established team, my rule of thumb is a gender neutral version of 'You don't want to be that guy'. So in other words, don't do anything outlandish for the group and by and large ensure your behaviour comes in ahead of the most outlandish member of the group (unless you are all sober and sensible, in which case fine). The one are this can break down in is double standards. Very often IMO you are held on a different standard to male colleagues and equally unfairly, senior colleagues (who are often male) get away with more.

That said I know a chap who started his graduate career by vomiting on his boss's shoes on a work night out. He got on fine, we're in the same company now and he earns a good deal more than me

I don't socialise with work colleagues full stop. In any job I've been in, I've avoided it like the plague. Parties can end up with people making fools of themselves drunk which I don't want to see and I don't drink anyways or I'm the one who goes from person to person as colleagues walk off and go and talk to someone else whenever I try to talk to them. I've had a very bad experience at a staff party before or I go home early as I'm not into bar crawls the only two times I've been on staff nights out. As to adding people I worked with on Facebook, only if it's someone I would want to be friends with outside of work. In one job I even was asked why I wasn't on anyone's Facebook as it seemed everyone was on each others! That's cliquey and like being at school! Just because I work with someone doesn't mean I like them. I'm a private person and I'm not going to become some party person to gain favour with people. I like my personal space and to be with the friends I want to be with when I'm not at work. The idea of being actually expected to always be going on nights out with people I work with makes me cringe! Nine times out of ten most of the people I work with at any point aren't my people and I have little/nothing in common with them so just as we work in the same place is just circumstance not 'something in common'! If I do see anyone outside of work it's on a one to one basis, like for a coffee but I leave it to them to ask me. If I'm the one who asks them the friendship seldom lasts. It's not snobbish, just wanting to spend your time with people you choose as friends, not feel obligated to as you work with them. Sorry to reanimate this thread, I just thought it was interesting.

I'm that person. I have a long commute and no desire to hang around after I'm finished. I get along like a house on fire with the people I work with and am always happy and sociable at work, but I'm not going to go out of my way to travel to Christmas parties/office functions etc. or to go out for drinks after work.

I am not a fan of work nights out. I'm quite shy and struggle with it all. However I make the effort as I think it would reflect badly on me if I didn't.

Over time, I've noticed that I tend to befriend colleagues after I've left. Don't know what to make of that. When there's an after work event, I always make an effort to go.

On a slightly different note, in the ten years I've been in Australia, I've only once been invited to a non-work event by a colleague. This is while they buzz and chat about their meet-ups with other colleagues, asking me my opinions of the film they're about to/have seen. Not that they owe me a friendship, but it makes me a bit sad. Too old? Too..what?

I had a colleague like this who told us in no uncertain terms that she wanted to keep her work and social life separate. So it was a surprise to be invited to attend her wedding (just the wedding, not the reception) to bulk out the numbers on her side of the church as they were so few!

Zombie thread. Don't know why there's no warning by the message box.

Being fairly senior in a large company, I find any kind of work 'do' exhausting. Constantly thinking aware of who you're talking to and about what subject. To avoid saying anything you shouldn't to the wrong person, I stick to bland boring stuff. I'm also sure (and can judge from the hangovers the next morning) that the party mood changes when senior management leave.

If we go out for birthday drinks or similar for someone junior, I tend to wait until everyone's had a couple of drinks, pick up the tab and head home. I feel it's important to show my face but would never get even vaguely tipsy in front of people whos' respct I need.

Z-O-M-B-I-E T-H-R-E-A-D

THIS IS 2 YEARS OLD

MN is curiously full of people who really don't like doing stuff with other people much at all This is the part of MN which gives me the irrational rage. People are always advised to cancel every single social engagement.

I'm much less sociable than I used to be due to some pretty awful events.
I wish I could go back to the old sociable me.

Oh bugger Zombie thread. Nevertheless it's a subject I find fascinating.

Hard to see why this topic should be seen as non-topical???

Have work/life relationships suddenly not become a thing?

I must have missed the email

I socialise a lot less with co-workers now that I'm older, mostly because I don't like going to loud pubs after work.

It's not a point of principle, but rather just preference.

I was a consultant through my late 20s and mid-30s and because I travelled for work almost exclusively, I socialised with co-workers a lot.

I am lucky in that I get on with my colleagues but I don't socialise regularly with them. I will go for work related do's such as Christmas, end of term etc... If I am invited to something outside of work time such as a birthday party or wedding do I will happily go but I do agree that I spend more time with my colleagues in work than I do other people so outside of work I want to spend time with my family & friends.

Shoot only just noticed the zombie thing too - sorry.

When I first started work I was like "I want to keep work and social life separate"

Luckily I realised I was being a twat after about 2 days and have had lots of good times socialising with collegues and have even made a couple of realy friends over the past 10 years of work :-)

I am really shy & have to make myself go to work social events. I find small talk like torture with people I don't know well. However, I do enjoy going for coffee with one / two colleagues I work closely with. I think there are probably lots of others in the same boat but it is difficult in a world where everyone has to be an extrovert!