to think she could have waited until GCSEs are over before dumping him?

[MumofSobbingTeenager]

So I have an inconsolable, sobbing DS on my hands after his g/f of 14 months has dumped him totally out of the blue, in the middle of their GCSEs, for no specific reason - that she'll tell him anyway. She has apparently decided that she's not ready for a relationship.

FFS. AIBU to think she could have waited just another 2 weeks until the exams are over?

Whether were talking about a boy or a girl being the dumper here it's ridiculous some of you are flaming the girl. Would you tell your adult friends to not dump their OH for another two weeks because its not convenient. I certainly wouldn't, just because they are children doesn't mean she should do things any different to an adult if she's unhappy. For all we know your ds could have done something to hurt her he's not exactly going to tell you if he has said something out of line is he.

I think the oddest part in all this though is that children are in a long term relationship. That's a lot of pressure for someone who would have been 14/15 when it started. Maybe they need to both enjoy the freedom a bit now.

Neither the OP or the girl are being unreasonable actually, are they?

The OP understandably is hurting because her son is hurting. Who wouldn't want to go and whack the hurter round the head with a frying pan and (secretly) hope she failed all her exams? Might be wrong, and the OP hasn't even said it (I have) but it would be a normal reaction.

The girl on the other hand has the right to end her relationship whenever, and however, she damn well feels like it. Obviously we can never know the dynamics of the relationship, but if she has finished it indeed because "she's not ready for a serious relationship" then that does rather infer that he, on the other hand was, and was maybe more serious than she was, and she just didn't like it anymore. Which is her right.

All the mammies can do is help the kids lick their wounds, and yes, then pick themselves up, put it to one side, and deal with the important stuff. Because his exam results will still matter in 2 years time. This relationship will not.

First of all, the girl (or anyone) shouldn't have to lie. What if she lied and got caught out? Is she supposed to stay in the house for 2 weeks to avoid bumping into this boy/mutual friends? How does she deal with communication? What if he (thinking all is ok) texts her, or whatsapp, or skype, or facebook messages? What does she do about the times they were due to see each other, which presumably her parents had been ok with? If they go to the same school does she hold hands and have a kiss and a cuddle with him?
Re my comment last night about anything intimate happening, it would be very naive to think that a pair of 16 year olds in a long relationship were still at the holding hands stage. Completely unwittingly, the boy could have done something that has previously been ok, but that the girl doesn't want anymore. He might go in for a snog, a squeeze, whatever.
This is partly a feminist issue (because it is usually girls who are taught to put other people first), but also it is about what we teach our children when it comes to relationships, and how to deal with them when they are unhappy.
We also only have the OPs DSs version of events. It might be completely true, and the girl has dumped him out of the blue for no apparent reason. There also may be things a 16 year old boy doesn't want to talk to his mum about. Not that I'm saying the lad has done anything wrong, she may have finished things so she can shag the local rugby team on the village green, but a teen may not be up for discussing that with a parent.

jacks, thanks. There's been a lot of wilful misunderstanding on this thread.

Good grief. My battery dies and when I come back just look how an innocuous post from a mum with an upset child has turned quite vile.

I know we all come here to vent and have a bit if a harangue, but some posts here are utterly objectionable. How some of you can live in your own heads sometimes.... well, that is beyond me!

OP, I hope your son went out with his 'sod you' hat well and truly clamped to his head.

I didn't have anyone dump me during exams but my mum walked out on my dad just before them and it had a really bad effect on my exams so I know where your coming from x hope your ds ok

I really doubt that leaving it a little bit longer would have "clouded" the girl's thoughts and would have put her own future in jeopordy. All she needed to do was focus regardless of whether she was his girlfriend or not. Now all he will be thinking about is this, and teenagers when they are heartbroken can be pretty difficult to console.

I have dumped people in the past. Anyone who has done so will know that (aside from finding out about cheating or being assaulted) the realisation that you need to end it doesnt just arrive on you one day. You doubt your own feelings, you try and give it another shot, you try and explain away the feelings, the feelings build gradually, it can be over days or over months and that can absolutely wreck yor head to a point where you can think of nothing else and you are certain the person can tell you are acting strange and that they'll guess. Maybe you have a best friend telling you that you have to be fair to him and tell him its over before he guesses. Maybe your distant behaviour is causing rows between the two of you.

Choosing to break up with someone is not always a snap decision, nor is it easy on the dumper.

For all we know this girl could have been thinking on this for months and the stress was affecting her ability to study for her own exams. Waiting even a day could have meant failing her english (example) that she needs. She cant control how her partner will react to being dumped, nor how that will affect his exams but she can control her own behaviour and protect her own prospects which is absolutely her priority.

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I hope he is feeling bit better today.

I cant believe this thread turned into a feminist issue & so nasty. In my opinion if it was a son or daughter of mine who wanted to do the breaking up, I would have advised them to wait until after school on Friday, that way at least they would have the half term break to get over it.

For those who say it's wrong to encourage someone to stay in a relationship, when they don't want to - it would have just been another 48hr's. She has been happy to be with him for so long, another 2 days where she could have avoided him because she was revising should not have been too difficult. Surely as an adult you would take your partners feelings/ability to cope into consideration when choosing when to break up with them (assuming there is no violence etc involved).

It is not feminist issue.
I would expect anyone to put the exams first.
Treat others how you would like to be treated.
a lot of people are saying she should put herself first, her exams, her feelings, her need to do this now.
Well that is the meaning of selfish. Im not sure how people could say then it is unfair to call her that. If i do as i like not careing how if affects others.

It is not the same as putting him first, just not intentionally harming him in a way that could affect the course of his life.

But its true op needs to have an open mind to see there could be a reason for her doing this now which could be caused by her DS as you arent going to know the whole story.

It would have been nice for her to wait two days and I would have thought relatively easy to do during exams at this age.

However maybe she blurted sooner then she intended, may be she has other things going on, maybe she was coming under pressure to end it form her parents ,new guy or events needing to attend as a couple needing numbers. Maybe she was just selfish and unthinking, maybe she a drama lama maybe she was stressed and it was the best thing for her to end it now or maybe she thought being straight was the best thing.

I don’t know and I don’t see why the OP or her son needs to focus on the girls reasons.

It’s done – OP needs to get her son focused on his exams. A fuck you I’m going to do well despite all this attitude – could be an advantage there if he can reach it.

I have a DS and two DD. If anyone had done this to them just before an exam I’d be livid – whatever their reasoning.

Though if they were the one doing the dumping I’d want them to be considerate but not to the point that they were suffering any ill effects – even if that meant dumping someone just before their exams.

Highly hypocritical – while I like to avoid hurting others and encourage my DC to be considerate to others- my priority is my DC at least until they are adults.

I also think there is a difference between waiting a few days especially when you can avoid other party and waiting weeks, months years at your own expense of health or happiness and I'm not convinced by the slippery slope argument that first will lead to the second - it's more complex than that.

Naty

You seem to contradict yourself.

"I would expect anyone to put the exams first"

And then go on to say

"a lot of people are saying she should put herself first, her exams, her feelings, her need to do this now.
Well that is the meaning of selfish."

So is it only exams first for the dumpee and the dumper's exams must suffer so the dumpee's dont? It's not a crime to dump someone- why should she be punished by doing badly in her exams? Why are his more important and why should they be more important to her than her own?

Am I missing the 2 day thing? I though from the opening post the OP wanted her to wait 2 weeks?

I in no way believe this was an abusive relationship but by the same token very few people in abusive relationships think they are either.

I am biased though as I was called cruel by my mother and thoughtless for walking out on my boyfriend the day before his birthday. I wasn't too bruised as I hid beneath the table to stop him hitting me but of course it was for my own good as I was apparently hysterical. To say I now suffer from issues over self worth is putting it midly

Dranksangria, yes, you're right: neither side is being unreasonable, it's just a sad situation.
If they're busy revising and not seeing each other anyway, then yes she could have delayed the bad news. I'd've advised a daughter of mine to do that.
On the other hand, a young person (of whatever gender) can finish a relationship whenever they want to or see fit; it may have been stressful for her to maintain a pretence, albeit from a distance.
OP I hope your DS feels better soon and is able to concentrate on his exams.

Its about 2 weeks until the end of the exam period, but only 2 days until the mid term break, half term!

I think OP wished the girl could have waited until home time just before half term, so she (mum) then had a little bit longer to put him back together again.

But we all know how unreasonable she was for that hope, don't we

The OP says in her opening post, and a later one, that she wanted the girl to wait 2 weeks.

From OP

FFS. AIBU to think she could have waited just another 2 weeks until the exams are over?

And

We're talking two more weeks gobby. Not a fucking lifetime.

Just to clear up any confusion.

2 days till weekend and half term - which would have been a better time possibly. OP DS has exams today and Friday.

2 weeks in opening post I think would have been pushing it really - depends on how much contact they had really during exams.

It is beside the point anyway as the girl decided not to wait so it's done and OP and DS need to deal with it.

Part of dealing with it I suspect in OP case is venting her frustration at girl on here so she can be calm for her DS.

As PP have said, if she felt that she had to do it then, she was perfectly within her rights to do so. And I can't believe that people are suggesting that she should have lied about not being able to go out during the exams, just to spare his feelings. That behaviour, as well as expecting her to stay with him until after the exams is totally dishonest.

Of course the lad is upset, but there is never a good time to split (esp at that age)

I know far more mature people who have remained in a relationship because it has never seemed a good time to leave. It sounds like his ex-GF is doing what is best for her, and you really can't knock people for that.

This thread has astounded me. Some comments are just vile and in fact have had to be removed.

Talk about extremes. The OP is upset for her DC and I dare say most people would be in the same situation.

No its not contradictory as i dont agree that waiting would affect anyones results.in fact there is a large probability it would improve her results as if she went as far as staying in etc she has more time to study.
Put both their exams first

Maybe i took my gcses more seriously
It does suggest a rather lack of seriousness about exams if she has been sat there thinking 'is he the right bf?' Rather than i'll focus on my exams and sort it out after when i have time.

Its what i would expect someone to do to hurt someone if they were angry with them

And can really only be justified if there was abuse which as far as we know there isnt

There are GCSE exams and other assessments e.g. for BTECS until basically the end of June, though, and after that a lot of schools have Prom, so she might have felt it would be cruel to string him along for that long, acting strangely/distant and avoiding him, which in the long term might distract him from GCSEs more. It would be very hard to avoid all contact during that period, so it is likely she would have had to kiss him and show physical affection, which she may have become uncomfortable doing.

It's never nice being broken up with at the end of a long relationship, and it can feel like there is always a reason not to do it.

Also, although OP's son says she didn't give a reason, we don't know everything that has happened or what the girl's reasoning is. I do feel sorry for him, but we don't know what's going on in her life right now, or everything that has happened between them. I do think some people in this thread have been a bit harsh on both parties.

It sounds like the relationship may have been a bit more serious than either party was totally emotionally ready for.

No its not contradictory as i dont agree that waiting would affect anyones results

You cant possibly know how someone else's feelings will affect them and their ability to focus.

Maybe for you it wouldnt have been an issue but you cant know that about anyone else.