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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she could have waited until GCSEs are over before dumping him?

238 replies

MumofSobbingTeenager · 21/05/2014 21:44

So I have an inconsolable, sobbing DS on my hands after his g/f of 14 months has dumped him totally out of the blue, in the middle of their GCSEs, for no specific reason - that she'll tell him anyway. She has apparently decided that she's not ready for a relationship.

FFS. AIBU to think she could have waited just another 2 weeks until the exams are over?

OP posts:
Hogwash · 21/05/2014 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 21/05/2014 23:07

Some eye-poppingly creative assumptions being made about the teenagers in question and their relationship on this thread.

What amazing imaginations!

wheresthelight · 21/05/2014 23:08

read my subsequent posts hogwash as i clarify by saying that regardless of being male/female no one should be forced to stay just because it is crap timing for the other person

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 21/05/2014 23:08

I was dumped just after university exams by two boyfriends, two years running. It was horrible, but both were kind enough to wait. Flowers for your boy.

fifi669 · 21/05/2014 23:10

I'm with the OP. She should have waited. She could have said her parents have her under lock and key til her exams are over. She didn't have to see him. I know at 16 I would have been aware of the effect on the other person.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/05/2014 23:10

Some eye-poppingly creative assumptions being made about the teenagers in question and their relationship on this thread.
Or maybe what you learn from your early relationships, and how that affects later ones.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 21/05/2014 23:14

well at that age, I was extraordinarily selfish and can't have been the only one. but even if someone is completely sweetness and light, they can leave a relationship any time they want and to give any other advice is irresponsible.
I do feel for OP's son based on what I know from this thread, of course.

Bifauxnen · 21/05/2014 23:15

yes there's a whole list of things she could have done, but she chose to end it, as is her right. I'm afraid that's the long and short of it.

Jjuice · 21/05/2014 23:15

My dd's bf of 12 months dumped her 2 wweks before exams because he thought she had gone off him.
She has been amazing and buckled down to revising. It is sad though and the timing isn't good.
Hope your ds wakes up in fight mode and uses his exams to focus away from being upsrt

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 21/05/2014 23:19

gobby I hope you'renot referring to your own early relationships but if you are, I'm very sorry that happened to you.

usualsuspectt · 21/05/2014 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/05/2014 23:22

Lets, I'm not, but I've seen it through work. Thanks, though.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 21/05/2014 23:29

Ah OP, your poor DS.
She is doing GCSEs now too? She really should know better

But he will recover. And what comes around goes around...

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 21/05/2014 23:58

I don't think anyone is accusing OP's son of anything untoward, threading or illegal at all? But 16 year olds are sexual beings, and if you don't fancy the other person, even if everything is consensual it isn't good or nice or pleasant, hence feels wrong, even if lovingly done by the other party. I don't think she 'should have waited', or 'started acting distant' - one young person should hang on to something that makes them unhappy, or should plan games and manipulate the other person in their relationship?

You can end a relationship whenever you like. Especially when there are no commitments. She probably was thinking thought her own life was more important.

Icimoi · 22/05/2014 00:05

There are some ridiculous responses on this thread. If they were hardly seeing each other anyway during the exam period, it's clearly not a case of the girl having to endure romantic or sexual approaches, let alone being "penetrated", ffs. In that situation I'm pretty confident dd would have held off for a couple of weeks and just found excuses to keep away from your ds in the meantime.

Still, nothing you can do about it except maybe try to fire him up to do his best to show her he can manage fine without her.

Icimoi · 22/05/2014 00:12

regardless of being male/female no one should be forced to stay just because it is crap timing for the other person

It's not a question of being "forced", it's a question of just ordinary human kindness. You might just as well say that no-one should be forced to have a boring time visiting elderly relatives, but we do it out of empathy for someone who could be lonely.

And it's not as if it's for ever or as if she even needs to see him - it's easy enough to put off meeting up for a couple of weeks during the GCSE period.

Sure, no-one has to do this but a bit more kindness in the world can't go amiss.

BrianTheMole · 22/05/2014 00:19

Yanbu op. I would have done the same at that age. In fact I did. I made excuses that I was busy studying and couldn't go out, but waited a few weeks before delivering the news. Seems sad that people don't think that teens have the level of maturity to understand that. Its not giving them much credit is it.

BrianTheMole · 22/05/2014 00:20

I don't think I worded that very well. Hopefully it makes sense.

Dominodonkey · 22/05/2014 00:23

Yanbu op and I am pleased that the later posters seem to be more considerate of people's feelings. It's never nice to be dumped but if holding off for a few days makes the timing less stressful for the other person why wouldn't you? Unless you were selfish and had the attitude that your happiness was far more important than anyone else's or as is possibly the case in this scenario were 15/16! I don't blame the op's son's ex but I do judge the nasty, selfish people on mn.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/05/2014 00:32

No-one should stay in a relationship a minute longer than they want to.

There is never a good time to tell someone it is over and whilst i think this is a particularly stressful time for him, staying with him for those two weeks may have had a negative impact on her performance. She has to put herself first at such an important time. Unfortunately for him that means he comes second but it's up to him how he reacts to it.

Personally i'd be encouraging him to 'pause' his reaction for a fortnight and then i he needs to fall apart after the exams he can. The human mind is capable of this.

PrincessBabyCat · 22/05/2014 00:36

Thanks For your son. Hope he feels better. Get him some chocolate icecream, even guys like comfort food. :)

To answer your question, no. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in. She doesn't owe him anything. He doesn't owe her anything. The timing sucks, yes. It's too bad she picked exams, but that's life.

I had an ex who threatened suicide if I broke up with him. I broke up anyway and told him I'd call him an ambulance if he was serious. (No I was no that callous about it, but that was the gist).

Asking anyone to put their life on hold (especially as a teen) for someone else is ridiculous. Perhaps she was stressed and didn't want the added stress of a boyfriend. Or maybe she found another boy. Doesn't matter. It was a casual relationship. It's not like she was at the alter and said her vows to your son. She's not obligated to stay with him for any amount of time. Let her enjoy the freedom to jump ship while it's still easy and no consequences like financial stability on your own or DCs to consider.

Teenagers are dramatic everything is hyper intense with them, they're toddlers v2.0. That ex I broke up with? We were twin souls, destined by fate to find each other in this mortal realm and our souls would travel together and we would be reincarnated as one when we died. A few years later I was simply bored of having a boyfriend because I was going off to college and wanted to try new things. No real reason or anything against him.

I am sorry your son is hurting though. Sad He'll get through it and find a new and better girlfriend who will be the love of his life. Until she isn't. Wink

SaucyJack · 22/05/2014 00:47

Agree that anybody should have the right to break up with anybody else, at any time and for any reason. End of.

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2014 01:03

Agree that anybody should have the right to break up with anybody else, at any time and for any reason. End of.

Nonsense.

Sometimes, just for a while, if we are not talking abuse, it can wait. Just till things settle down, or a problem is resolved.

Sometimes, you can think of someone other than yourself.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/05/2014 01:06

I also dislike the message that sends either party at 16 wrt their expected behaviour in future (and more serious) relationships.

Should this girl take the message that choosing to end a relationship should always be according to when it suits her partner best?

Should this boy take the message that his wants (to have another two weeks of calling her his girlfriend despite her having already emotionally checked out) should always come first in a relationship even if they are at odds with what his partner wants and what is best for them?

The relationships we have as teens are where we work out how it all works and for the basis of our reference (aside from our parents relationships) for what is 'normal' for future relationships. It's important that we are re-enforcing the message that how you feel and what you want is valid and not second to what someone else wants from you. Especially for girls.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/05/2014 01:09

I'm so sorry OP. This must be awful for you as well as him. I'm not going to speculate on why she couldn't wait a few days because I'm not in possession of any of the facts, and I've also lost the knack of being able to think like a 15/16 year old (thank god).

I hope he feels a bit better the other side of a good nights sleep.