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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she could have waited until GCSEs are over before dumping him?

238 replies

MumofSobbingTeenager · 21/05/2014 21:44

So I have an inconsolable, sobbing DS on my hands after his g/f of 14 months has dumped him totally out of the blue, in the middle of their GCSEs, for no specific reason - that she'll tell him anyway. She has apparently decided that she's not ready for a relationship.

FFS. AIBU to think she could have waited just another 2 weeks until the exams are over?

OP posts:
Defnotsupergirl · 22/05/2014 05:21

Thinking back to when I was 16, no I wouldn't have done this. I don't think you are being unreasonable. Whilst I don't encourage any person to stay in a relationship that they are not happy with, unless it was abusive etc., she could have waited.
In fact, if I was this girls mother or father I would be a bit disappointed that she had acted so selfishly and without thinking of someone else's feelings and the outcome. I know my parents would have been disappointed in me in possibly affecting someone's future like this.

wigglesrock · 22/05/2014 06:10

Of course she shouldn't have waited - even if she "avoided" him (which is a terrible precedent), should she have ignored texts, facebook messages, etc. How would that have been any better. The OPs son would probably have felt worse. She was probably dreading breaking up, would you rather she went through her GCSEs with that hanging over her for a few weeks - pretending, avoiding talking to him, picking up messages, seeing mutual friends incase he was there. Or should she have just gritted her teeth, told him a few lies, participated in whatever type of relationship they were having so as not to hurt him?

neverthebride · 22/05/2014 08:23

You can be in control of your life, your choices and your relationships and still consider other people's feelings.

My friends husband left her the day after her DMs funeral. He had the absolute right to do that and yes, there probably would never have been a 'good time' to leave but what HE wanted could have taken a back seat right then.

LST · 22/05/2014 09:40

Op you are being massively unreasonable. I can't believe people actually think that if she was unhappy and stressed over exams herself she should of waited ffs.

LST · 22/05/2014 09:42

Plus what's saying she hasn't been waiting round and she just couldn't do it any more? It is ridiculous that people think otherwise. Sometimes you have to think of yourself.

isabellavine · 22/05/2014 09:45

I think it is unreasonable to expect that of a 16 year old, but that doesn't make it any easier for you and your poor DS. I can remember how acutely painful breakups are as teenagers - in some ways, worse than more serious things when you are older, since you have no measuring stick and no experience to bring to the table.

However, to look at it another way: this is an important experience for him - more important in some ways than GCSEs. To break up with someone and realise you can get through it and come out the other end, happy, is a pretty big life experience. I speak as someone who stayed with an EA man for years and years and years because I was scared of the pain of a break up. What a waste! I would rather have got a lower grade in one or two GCSEs and have had that life experience under my belt, because I might not have wasted 15 years on a tosser!

sarinka · 22/05/2014 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ploppy16 · 22/05/2014 09:50

Poor lad, how's he doing today OP? It was bad timing but if they're both doing their exams and she's a nice girl in general maybe she didn't register that he would be so upset.
It makes me glad I was a late bloomer and didn't have a boyfriend till I left school tbh, Too much stress!!
Other posters are right though, there is an occasional attitude of intolerance towards teenage boys on threads like these, sometimes people forget that they can be the good guys as well.

ladymariner · 22/05/2014 09:54

Nobody is saying that the girl shouldn't have the freedom to dump ops ds when she did, people it some people are saying that surely after a 14 month relationship she could have waited two more days till half term and done it then. After being with someone that amount of time surely she could have had a bit of empathy.

Some of the comments on here are nothing short of disgusting...groping, penetrating??? Ffs, what planet are some of you on? Op has come on here for sympathy and a vent, her son is distraught and all some of you can do is cast aspersions.....hope you're polishing your feminist badges with pride! Personally, whilst I agree with the girl in that if she is unhappy then the right thing to do is end the relationship, my sympathy at the moment is for the boy. Op, hope he feels better very soon Brew

Canthisonebeused · 22/05/2014 09:54

Awful awful responses to suggest this girl should consider her boyfriends needs over her own. I really hope this I not the message we are sending to our boys and girls.

ladymariner · 22/05/2014 09:55

Bit of a typo there!! Heyho....

wigglesrock · 22/05/2014 09:57

And I will be telling my children to put their own happiness first in relationships, especially when they're just beginning to experience relationships, sex etc. I don't think that's makes me selfish & if it does I'm more than happy. We're not talking about a disagreement with regards to what film to watch, where to go out but whether or not to continue with a relationship you are unhappy with. I'm really surprised by some of the posts on this thread.

ForeskinHyena · 22/05/2014 10:06

No, I dumped my uni bf in the middle of finals. It wasn't because I was too immature to understand the impact it might have, it was because he was an abusive arsehole and I was at the end of my tether and needed to concentrate on my own exams rather than put up with any mor of his shit for even another day. The timing could have been better, but in some ways it helped to focus my mind on my studies as a way of forgetting about him.

I'm not suggesting your DS is in any way abusive or that he deserved to be dumped, but if someone is unhappy in a relationship, staying for ANY reason is not fair on them.

Sorry that your son is so upset, but he'll get over it.

thebodylovesspring · 22/05/2014 10:09

Hope your ds is ok today op.

I don't think it's really on to expect any teenager to act any differently to other people.

Adults dump marriages and children on a daily basis.

I had teen dss and have teen dds and break ups are hard but it's a hard life.

Can't really get the sexist slant on this really. Getting dumped is horrible for anybody.
No worse for girls or lads.

Nocomet · 22/05/2014 10:14

Perfectly easy to say not seeing you need to revise and save the dumping for after the exams.

Ploppy16 · 22/05/2014 10:18

Just to add, I don't think the OP is U at all to WISH the girl had waited 2 days to dump her son considering it's the OP that's had to deal with the fallout. We all wish something had happened differently at some point, this is no different.
Just because he's a teenage lad doesn't mean he is any less worthy of some sympathy and understanding here. Way too much jumping to conclusions going on about their relationship! Makes me want to lock DS in his room until he's 30!!

LST · 22/05/2014 10:23

Ploppy it's 2 weeks.

needaholidaynow · 22/05/2014 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ploppy16 · 22/05/2014 10:31

Oops Blush
Got distracted by people mentioning 48 hours up thread. I now have my glasses on..

CuntCourtIsInSession · 22/05/2014 10:36

Poor chap! All the same, when I was sixteen my mum 'encouraged' me not to dump a boyfriend before his exams, and it was just awful. There was always something: then it was his birthday. I came totally at the bottom of the ladder of priorities, was what I learned.

My mum didn't mean to, but that was at least part of how I learned that my needs were way less important than anyone else's. And how I ended up spending a decade and a half in a subsequent relationship that made me utterly miserable.

Bowlersarm · 22/05/2014 10:38

I'm really surprised by your comments wigglesrock

If any of my DSes dumped their girlfriends in the middle of gcse's I would be really disappointed in them. The ops son had been going out with his girlfriend for 14 months. It wasn't a new relationship. She can't have suddenly decided they weren't suited/she didn't like him. Why couldn't she have waited at least the two extra days at least until half term, would it really have been so difficult for her? Really selfish IMO.

If one of my sons did this, I wouldn't rock the boat for him during gcse's, but afterwards I would be having long discussions about afterwards why it wasn't an honourable, kind or decent thing to do.

I don't think people should stay in relationships if they aren't working. But after 14 months, for the sake of a few days, I think she should have considered him. She owed him that.

(Unlessthere is a backstory we don't about and assuming he and his girlfriend are normal teens)

SaucyJack · 22/05/2014 10:38

I'm surprised that people think a 16 year old doesn't have any maturity to consider other people's feelings and the impact of their actions.

I'm surprised that people are equating emotional maturity with submitting yourself to your partner's needs.

I'm quite sure she did consider his feelings and the impact of her actions. That said, it was still more important to her to leave him than to stay. And more power to her.

PrincessBabyCat · 22/05/2014 10:42

In fact, if I was this girls mother or father I would be a bit disappointed that she had acted so selfishly and without thinking of someone else's feelings and the outcome. I know my parents would have been disappointed in me in possibly affecting someone's future like this.

I wouldn't. If my DD dumped a boy regardless of the circumstances I'd support her. If she was dumped regardless of the circumstances, I'd still support her and have a personal dislike for the boy that made her cry. (obviously this applies to non abusive relationships).

I will be teaching her that her happiness always comes first especially in teen relationships. That if she can't be happy single, she won't be happy together, and a boy (or girl) should only add to her life, not cause her frustration. You can compromise and not have it be at the cost of your own feelings, me and DH do it everyday.

I'd be disappointed if she stuck in a relationship she was unhappy with to make a boy happy for the same reason I'd be disappointed if she had sex with a boy to make him happy.

But quite frankly, if this was during exams and a boy was distracting her head space to study, I'd encourage her to ditch him so she could focus on her future. I wouldn't sit there and have her be distracted for two weeks so someone else's child could do well on the exams.

KEGirlOnFire · 22/05/2014 10:45

Over 20 years ago I had a good friend who was unceremoniously dumped during her GCSEs (It was only the second year of having them since the finish of O'Levels IIRC). She had been with the guy 2 years, he was at College so not doing exams and he basically decided not to wait so that he could get his leg-over with someone else.

Said friend threw herself down the stairs and took an overdose so couldn't even take her exams. Sad

She's turned out OK (happily married now with DCs) and I'm happy to say that the guy married his 'rebound' girl and has been miserable eversince and often told my DSis (who is married to his DBro) that he'd made a huge mistake all those years ago. Ha!

Childish spite I know but the whole thing was really awful at the time.

So I never underestimate the selfish acts of others (and yes teenagers do know what they're doing) and the terrible implications they can have.

I hope your DS gets through this and his exams OP. I'm sure he will with your support.

basgetti · 22/05/2014 10:46

She owed him that.

She doesn't 'owe' him anything. They are teenagers. Not married, with shared children and responsibilities. What a shocking message to send a teenage girl unhappy in a relationship.