To not want to write a list of chores for dh to do (to want him to just do more and show initiative)

[Frecklefeet]

I am 36 weeks pregnant and for the last few weeks I have asked dh to do more around the house. He is not too bad at doing housework but he tends to leave most to me, which I don't usually mind too much but now I'm feeling more tired and I want him to do more now and keep doing more when the baby comes.

He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing, which I don't want to do, I just want him to do more and use initiative.

I had a look online for some articles (to email to him to prove I'm right) and they all seemed to support his request - that the woman should write a list of chores for the man etc and I think his is wrong. I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.

Fwiw both of us only work part time. He looks after ds some days, although he does work more than me so I do more childcare. Ds does go to nursery part time also. I will probably take 6 months maternity leave and then go back fewer hours than I do at the moment, dh will look after the baby until my hours increase and then the baby will go to nursery also.

So aibu? Should I have to write a list of chores? This feels like a huge chore in itself

You might not email: lots of people do. Including me.

Apologies if this has been suggested upthread, but wouldn't the best solution be for you both to sit down together and agree a list of jobs (organised by day/week etc as necessary).

The problem with just wanting him to 'notice more and be more proactive' is that what you really want is to notice and prioritise things the same way you do and that just won't happen. Dh and I tried it w DIY (we made our own list of priorities then compared) - his priorities were all to do with insulating the utility room and rebuilding the porch, whereas I wanted to re-decorate the living room (on the basis that that's the room we used most).

tond i don't see washing hubby's dirty kecks an inherent part of being a wife. We pretty much share all the housework out, sometimes he does it, sometimes I do. What I'm saying is, if you're not happy, discuss it with him, don't just stop doing everything! How childish.

And sentimentalising it with 'her love, her best friend, the father of her DC' just misses the point. IMO.

I am clearly dysfunctional and deserve to be left on the shelf, according to MN wisdom, of course.

Have just seen this:

"Lets put it another way. You need to drive somewhere for the good of the family. You know vaguely where you are going and your OH knows exactly. You ask him to give you directions and he says no because you should know and if you dont know then figure it out. How would you react to that? He doesnt want to tell you because he doesnt want to manage you and be in charge, especially when you are capable of working it out for yourself. Its true, you are, but would it have killed him to tell you? No, and because he didnt there is bad feeling all round. Eventually you find the route and get there so the job is done, but how much easier it would have been for him to write you directions."

this is a completely terrible analogy.

It's usually more like

"you and your DH have both lived in the same town for 10 years and in that time both of you have had your own cars, and driven separately to many places often. But when you got married 5 years ago and had children 3 years ago, you started sharing more and more of the journeys and travelling more and more often in the same car. Since that happened, your husband has thrown away his maps, not got a sat-nav, makes out that he has simply forgotten where everything is, and demands that you drive everywhere, while he dicks about on Buzzfeed on his phone in the passenger seat"

Sorry, hit post too soon

"Now I am expecting a baby in the next two weeks and we need some things from IKEA. He says he will help me, by doing some of the driving, as long as I sit down and draw a detailed road map of where IKEA is, and give it to him. I have pointed out that IKEA is in the same place as it is has been for 10 years, and furthermore, if he really has forgotten, there are lots of other ways of finding out other than me doing some intricate work with pens and paper. but no, he insists that the only way he can help us get to IKEA is if I put aside a good chunk of time one evening and labour over a drawing board, at arms length over my pregnant belly.
WIBU unreasonable to tell him to look up IKEA on fucking google maps?"

Astoundingly, there is a chorus of brainwashed handmaidens on this thread saying "Just draw him the map"!

Men. Just. Don't. See. Things.

I can put the rubbish bag in the middle of the path and both mine will STILL walk round it. When asked why they hadn't taken it down to the dustbin, they both said "but you didn't ask us to" !!

I suspect my husband knows the more clueless he acts the more likely I am to just end up doing things myself.

It's just one those inevitabilities of life. Like an interfering mother in law. You can get worked up about it or just think .. there's fuck all I can do to change this.

Do as much or as little as you feel up to. If he doesn't like it he can pick up a mop and do it himself.

Yes, because navigating to ikea is exactly the same thing.

I assume the OP is in a partnership with her DH which is why they should sit down together and come upwith the bloody list to apportion the jobs. Not have one of them being told something vague and the other whining about it on MN.

It wasn't my idea to do a stupid driving analogy. I was just tweaking the driving analogy to make it a bit more relevant.

OwlCapone, do you think this mutual discussion was what led to the OP doing it all right now?

Men. Just. Don't. See. Things

It's why there are no male great artists. FACT.

My train is always delayed because of men on the line (they fell off because they can't see the edge of the platform)

and there is a huge top shelf market in braille pornography. they can't see the pictures in the other kind - that stuff is just for women

inspace - (shrugs) I think it's childish to expect someone to clean up after you when you're not doing your fair share of housework after numerous discussions.

This thread is ridiculous....

Ops DH has asked for help to organise things that need doing by means of a list. He hasn't refused to do any tasks.

He suffers from PTSD which may contribute to the not seeing things.

My DP writes lists for me as to things that need doing as due to the medication that I am currently on I can get forgetful and miss stuff.

Going by some on here he should stop doing this as I should just 'see it'.

But he has said that he would do it. He just needs help in seeing what needs doing.

IF he has cloudy judgement at the moment because of PTSD (which he is currently getting counselling for) then why would it hurt to either do the list or do it together? Nothing to do with gender stereotyping to me, just common sense.

My. Partner. Takes. The. Rubbish. Out. He. Even. Does. The. Hoovering. And. The. Washing. Last. Time. I. Looked. He. Had. A. Perfectly. Functional. Penis. Even. Though. He. Lives. With. An. Emasculating. Harridan.

Stepping up and doing an equatable share is fine. But the OP specifically says:

"standards have dropped and I can't understand why he can't see this for himself and take over"

and standards ime are tricky things because everyone has different ones. So yes, any idiot can work out that a room needs to be hoovered or a bathroom cleaned but can reasonably have different ideas over how often this needs to happen. Is this about him never clearing up the kids toys or only clearing them up once a day, or not clearing them up the moment said child has dropped them?

I do get the whole 'having to be responsible for what happens thing' being draining and would, on occasion, like my dh to up his game. But I have also lived with my mother, in whose presence every teacup must be washed the moment the tea is finished and who can't rest if there is a single item of laundry in the laundry basket. And I genuinely don't perceive the dust on the skirting boards the same way she does.

So I still think drawing up a list of jobs together is the best way forward.

Poor OP's Dh might be the one in a million men who actually has no sense of entitlement and genuinely physically or mentally struggles with basic domestic self-care tasks. In this case, sorry, OP's DH, and maybe you should step up the medical help you are getting, and perhaps apply for DLA to pay to get someone in to take some of the pressure off your pregnant wife who is now acting as your carer.

But you see the reason why, in that case, we are so confused about the situation and seeing him simply as your common or garden freeloader, cruising on unearned male privilege, is because that's how it usually is in these cases. So we are jaded and embittered and unable to see the special-snowflake-ness of this situation. AND THAT IS HOW PATRIARCHY HURTS MEN TOO*

*Not that much, in the grand scheme of things, and not like I fucking care

My. Partner. Writes. For. A Living. Very. Well. Yet. Still. Steps. Right. Over. Those. Fullstops. All. Over. My. Prose. For. No. Reason.

Actually the driving analogy was perfectly relevant, the problem was that it made too much sense so you had to re-write it to fit your "All men are lazy fuckwits" view of the world.

He asked for clarification of what jobs the OP wanted to take over, and rather than just tell him he now is being billed as some sort of lazy lord and master who thinks he is above doing anything around the house. MN never ceases to amaze me.

Write the list, dont write the list but FYI in the time it took to post all your messages and lists and do your research, you could have had a short email exchange (if that is your thing) with your DH and had it sorted. But why do things the easy way hey? Better to spend that time making a mountain out of a molehill.

My main male role model (my father) while growing up was certainly not the stereotypical useless man in the home! He did his fair share and still does. Without being asked by my dm.

Maybe this is why I was annoyed at dh and even more annoyed when looking for advice online as the usual advice is for the woman to delegate and assist the man in organising lists etc.

Even if dh has issues with seeing things that need to be done I don't think it is my role to organise him and spoonfeed him. I think he is high functioning enough to manage this.

Hmm, let's look at the OP:

'He keeps asking me to write a list and organise the week and the days in regards to what needs doing... I am not fussy about how things are done, I just want to live in basic tidy and clean condition and don't want to be snowed under tonnes of washing etc so I want the chores kept on top of.'

That's more than a 'bit of help'. It's a plan for the week. With the OP as boss. I wouldn't do it either.

Anyone successfully stepping over rubbish can see it, just not as their responsibility.

What a convenient fiction - I need help realising that things might need cleaning! Not all men are like this, just the ones enjoying their privilege.