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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take my DD out of end of the year production in Y6???

363 replies

katmat3 · 20/05/2014 16:28

Please tell me because lately I am not thinking with clear head.
My DD is not chosen again for any part ( except singing and dancing with few other kids) . It's not the first time and maybe my pregnancy hormones are working but it's something that is happening all the time. I am aware as other few parents are that headmistress has certain kids that she always puts up as a frontrunners for everything ..But for everything all the time??? Really???I am talking about last 3 years.
Same kids,same main parts.I am gutted for my DD. I am not bragging but she is really good ,confident,very committed to her work or any given task but she just has bad luck.
This production is for Y6 mainly and she actually doesn't have any part.I signed the letter for her to give tomorrow that she will not participate (only one probably) but I can't let her always be in the corner while the SAME kids are always doing the parts...
AIBU???Please.
If I missed anything I will add....

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 20/05/2014 17:02

No, you're not wrong at all.

DS2 went to a small primary school. From Yr4 onwards he 'made up' most of the sports teams because he was good at sport and tall so they could pretend he was Yr5. He did the spelling, maths, science competitions and was good at drama, but it was always the same 3or DC who got the parts in the plays.

When it was the Christmas play in Yr6 he was overlooked again, so said he didn't want to do it. I wrote a letter saying as such so they offered him to do the lights, he said to the HM that one of the other DC who was always on the stage should do the lights, and declined.

When they practiced for their SATs he repeatedly came top, and in the real ones, and funnily enough he got the main part in the end of Yr6 production. The boy who usually had the main part was on stage with a face like a slapped arse all night!

I know that teachers can't make every kid have a part, some are better than others, but despite what is believed on MN there are favourites who are given the main parts over and over again and it isn't fair.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 20/05/2014 17:07

Hmm

What does your daughter want to about taking part?

And it's not as if she's been left out of everything from what you have said about the other things she's been involved with at school.

I think YABU but maybe that's because one of my kids was chosen for nothing. In any area. Ever.

I think you need to take deep breaths and blame your hormones.

Original poster
katmat3 · 20/05/2014 17:07

TheFairyCaravan-You are almost describing my DD.But she didn't get any part .It's not fair and that is what bothers me a lot.
I will let her but will also make a comment to HM. Very disappointed with her and the whole system.

OP posts:
Original poster
katmat3 · 20/05/2014 17:10

She is left out LFTMAD. They had more than 5 performances for parents as a Y6 + 3 visits to church she NEVER EVER got any part.Always SAME group of kids. Do you think I shouldn't be upset???

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/05/2014 17:11

WorraLiberty-yes but the same girl needs boost in confidence for the past 3 years? And other few? Well,If they are the only one than they should go to local drama club.

And perhaps they do?

Either way, why not suggest it to your DD?

She sounds as though she'd get a lot out of it.

MsTwankeyToYou · 20/05/2014 17:13

You should support her in whatever she wants to do.

Unless there's a lot more to this than your post indicates, remember that teachers have to share a relatively small number of opportunities between a very large number of children, and that good teachers will make those decisions according to the learning needs of all of the students, rather than implementing a superficially "fair" policy which fails to take those needs into account.

FWIW, it sounds like your DD is having a very similar experience to the one I had at her stage. I was identified early on as one of the "best and brightest" (i.e. academically gifted, great at public speaking, involved in all the extracurricular stuff, always representing the school at events), but I only ever got crappy parts in school theatre productions. In truth, I was a great speaker but not a brilliant actor or singer - very few DC are, which is why the school has to rely on a small number over and over again for the plum parts. Yes, I probably would have done a better job of some of the speaking parts than some of the kids who actually got them, but what the hell: the big productions are a lesson in team work, application, and self-confidence rather than "quality entertainment", and the kids who I lost out to on that occasion had lost out to me on plenty of other learning opportunities.

Montegomongoose · 20/05/2014 17:14

I'm afraid I would go and see the head personally and ask directly (and not too nicely) why some children are left out in favour of apparent favourites. Tell her you and other mothers think it is not fair (whether or not you've spoken to others) and ask her to justify why child x has had parts for 3 consecutive years while others have had none. if there are younger children children with parts, ask why so if Y6's don't. Persist if she tries to fob you off.

I've just had such a laugh at this. Are you for real??

PatrickStarisabadbellend · 20/05/2014 17:15

It was the same with all my 3 dc's. The same children got all the main parts, picked to represent the school for things, faces in the papers etc..

All the kids chosen were the offspring of the teaching assistants. Luckily I removed my last dd out of that school and she's now in a brilliant school where all the children are equal.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 20/05/2014 17:15

I think you need to focus on all the positive things like the Level 6 SATs, representing the school for spelling and maths. If you blow this out of proportion, what message is that giving your daughter?

At her age, I'd be more inclined to be gently explaining that life isn't always fair and trying to give her the emotional tools to deal with it. After all, this is about her - isn't it? She will be meeting fab teachers, mediocre ones and ones who are, frankly, arseholes next year. Why not use this as a learning experience for her?

And focus on the good stuff Smile

TheFairyCaravan · 20/05/2014 17:17

The difference between a school production and a spelling/science/ maths competition is (well it was in my kids' school) is one is in front of parents and one is not.

DS2 used to get upset because he said his name might appear in a newsletter, but no-one saw him do his thing, it wasn't appreciated and acknowledged in the same way as a play is.

It's easy to say that the Op shouldn't be upset, but her DD is, who is 11. She is a child and it is all black and white to them.

Original poster
katmat3 · 20/05/2014 17:18

Thank you for a lovely advice WorraLiberty but I am not asking on advice if she needs drama classes or not.Did you miss the point? Let me make it clearer why I am upset---WHY same kids are getting main parts over the past three years?Is that better WL?Thank you for your input.
MsTwankeyToYou--You are right.I will let her participate and make sure she continue to believe in her self and continue to be strong in her learning.Thank you.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 20/05/2014 17:18

I didn't say she shouldn't be upset. Just that she should take care around what she does with those feelings.

Original poster
katmat3 · 20/05/2014 17:19

TheFairyCaravan Thank you for understanding.That's what makes me sad-Her thinking she is always left at the back Oor she is not good enough for HM...

OP posts:
Original poster
katmat3 · 20/05/2014 17:21

LFTMAD -Thank you for lovely advice too.They are on their way back .I am going but I will be back later on.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 20/05/2014 17:22

Well I guess my ds2 is one of the DCs everyone on MN hates because he generally gets a bigger part in school plays. He also is the only year 5 DC in the school football team, he has been on the athletic team for the last 3 years as well.

He has a very loud voice, isn't shy about being on stage and a good memory so I imagine that's why he is in the play IYSWIM
He gets picked for a lot of stuff because he is loud I think. And not shy and volunteers for everything going.

My ds1 was always one of the DCs who didn't get picked for anything

SolidGoldBrass · 20/05/2014 17:22

Look, get a grip. Don't turn your DD into a resentful whinyarse just because you are hormonal. All kids have to learn that they can't get everything they want and that there will be other opportunities for them at different times.

If you pull your DD out of the production, you will be teaching her that it's OK to flounce and sulk when you don't get your own way.

WorraLiberty · 20/05/2014 17:23

You're extremely welcome OP and no (for the record) I didn't miss the point.

WHY same kids are getting main parts over the past three years? Is that better WL?

Ask the Head teacher instead of Mumsnet

HTH

Original poster
katmat3 · 20/05/2014 17:25

Thank you all.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 20/05/2014 17:26

Did you ever think parents might be saying why is your dd always the one to represent the school at maths when their DC is equally as good?

You can't be the centre of attention and the "chosen one" for every single activity.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 20/05/2014 17:26

Did you ever think parents might be saying why is your dd always the one to represent the school at maths when their DC is equally as good?

You can't be the centre of attention and the "chosen one" for every single activity.

Chopstheduck · 20/05/2014 17:27

I can understand where you are coming from, but I think you are taking it to heart rather a lot, and your attitude to it all is probably affecting her too.

Our school, it was the twins of the governor that got the leading parts, even though they were both rubbish. It was a shame for other children who were more talented, but that's life. There always will be nepotism, and even kids may as well learn that, and realise there will always be a next time. It's not fair at all, but life ISN'T. Far better to teach your child to shrug it off, and not let other people upset her. This kind of situation, any other kind of reaction isn't going to change anything and will just look like sour grapes.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/05/2014 17:28

Maybe the kids who get the parts are better at drama? Just a thought.

Anchorage · 20/05/2014 17:28

Would OP's DD have liked it if she'd been pulled out of representing the school in the spelling and maths competitions, so that the other kids who weren't quite as good got a chance instead, so as to be fair?

Thought not.

Original poster
katmat3 · 20/05/2014 17:29

I never ever asked to be centre of attention. I don't want to repeat my self -I already stated my concern in my posts.Maybe some parents are less bothered but I feel sad and I feel there is injustice.

OP posts:
DidoTheDodo · 20/05/2014 17:30

I'm not sure how this is substantially different from the same kids always winning the races at sports day or coming top in maths. Surely across the whole gamut of school activities children shine in different things, and your daughter is singing and dancing with a group of others, so is involved.
What am I missing?