To think 11 is old enough to do their own hair

[RosesandRugby]

My DD is 11. She has very very long hair, its down to her ankles so as you can imagine not easy to put up in a plait herself. We have just had a very loud long discussion about whether she should get it cut shorter (shoulder length perhaps) so that she can manage to style it herself as I feel at 11 years of age I should not be doing her hair for her. She disagrees and we have had total meltdown as a result.

I basically think at 11 she should be doing it herself.....shouldn't she ? She feels its ok for me to do it for her, what do the lovely chappies on mumsnet think? Should I stand my ground and insist she do it herself or get it cut shorter ? I really think at 11 I shouldn't even be having this discussion with her, she's old enough to know she should do it herself but I need reassurance I think that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not being a mean unreasonable mother .

It still gets absorbed into the hair - I suggest you read up on it LCF. You are instructed not to hug your pet for a couple of hours after using it on them, so what on earth would you want to use it on your child?

Nits aren't hard to get rid of, anyone who can't do it isn't doing it properly. I was a nanny for years it was something I did a lot with various families over the years including a couple of children with very long hair.

I have completely changed my mind on this now as I'm so horrified you are using such strong chemicals just because you won't have her hair cut shorter!

Frontline pet flea and tick treatment on a child? Jesus, I have heard it all now.
Having to use that should tell you it's impractical.
I was being sarcastic btw, in my last post about you name changing.
I said it in regards to you jumping on your high horse.

There were three girls in my year at school who had overly long hair, the majority of pupils mocked them as it was always all over the place, matted and grubby looking...and they were outcasts. It's was awful to watch actually.
I'm not saying this will happen, but kids can be cruel creatures. There were numerous comments about their heritage, asking if they were travellers or Amish.
One girl got her hair cut, the other two left - turns out they were travellers after all.

I also suggest something like corn rows - or my MIL had tiny plats and beads - no idea what style is called - in for months - to get past first residential trip. Or look online for a style that she can manage herself for a week – and start her practising now.

Then I'd suggest a trip to hair dresses because I'm guessing she never been - she can talk style through with hair dresser or have a few inches off or just a French plat put in. Something to get her used to going and to show her the possibilities without it being a battle between you and her.

I do think you have room to persude her still rather than dicate style to her though living with her choices isn't a bad lesson to learn either.

I have to say feet is impressive. I had as a teenager I had many Sihk friends so their hair was never cut many of them didn't have hair that long. So I believe not everyone can grow it that long.

My 8 year old can put up her hair by herself - useful when she was away on a residential trip. She ask me to do it but sometimes like the independence of doing it herself. Her's is shoulder length.

Many of her friends have much longer – and they did struggle while away – plus I do wonder how they check for nit as we keep getting letter home from her year.

I thought to get long hair you had to have it regularly trimmed otherwise the ends split and to get rid of the messy ends you end up cutting off more than you would if you just went for trims.
I think expecting to have a personal ladies maid to always do your hair for you is strange at 11, but I presume you have made a big deal of her long hair up until now and been willing to spend hours faffing on with it so she probably doesn't understand what has changed. If you have always praised her long hair you need to look for something less superficial and more useful to praise her for.

Lots of assumptions being made here. Cannot speak for the rest of you posting on here but my child has her hair cut regularly by a hair dresser. It is washed and clean, neat at the ends. I'm out of here now. Can't cope with the judgemental tone over the choices other people make.

Yes, I will judge anyone harshly that uses flea treatment on a child. There are many people that question whether it's safe to use on animals let alone people! It damages the fleas' nervous system, think how strong a chemical that has to be and your dd has that soaked into her hair.

Sorry, I've only just skimmed this thread but can I just ask, why does she feel the need to have it that long if she's only going to keep tying it up anyway?
It's all a bit pointless really....

Most of the mothers who’s DC have long hair I know claim either to never have cut it or trim at home – hence no hair dressers. Obviously I don't know every family with long hair hence me stating I assumed no hair dresser trips.

My own DC rarely go to hair dressers because I can cut a bob myself that looks according to others very good on them.

I wasn't trying to pass judgement on the hair length – though I do wonder at nit checking because my DD shoulder length thick curly hair takes forever and some of DD friends have similar hair but much longer.

I'm just suggesting easing into it - or getting an impartial person like a hair dresser to offer suggestions rather than have a standoff.

I wouldn't judge anyone for allowing long hair on their child as long as all parties were happy with it but using Frontline on a child is fucking bonkers and all kinds of wrong, yes even if it doesn't go on their scalp!!

I've had knee length hair since I can remember, I eventually learned to do it myself after mum refused to brush it for me for a whole week of half term in year 6, after 2 days of sulking the pain of getting the knots out convinced me to learn pretty quickly. (Mum did still check it for nits regularly, but in the evenings, not when rushing to get ready for school.)

If her arms aren't long enough she needs to plait as far as she can reach then pull it round over her shoulder and keep pushing the plaited bit back so she's working at shoulder height, that's how I do mine.

I'm quite jealous of ankle length hair by the way, mine goes scraggly past knee length

I had hair nearly to my hips when I was a child, it was and still is very thick and I found it difficult to wash, dry and brush myself because there was so much of it. When I was about 10/11 my DM suggested having it cut to shoulder length because I was going away on a school trip and it would be easier to sort out myself, I don't remember it being a big deal having it cut so I suppose I was ready for the change. It was a relief to get rid of all that extra weight TBH!

The reason I had such long hair in the first place was because when I was very young (toddler age?) my DM had to have my hair cropped short because it had got very matted and impossible to sort out (I think it was caused by my going through a stage of not liking my hair being brushed at that age and it being very thick) and I hated the way it looked when it was it short because I thought it made me look like a boy - it didn't! (There is an early school photo of me pulling such a screwed up face when it was short).

Despite all the hair I have never had nits but my DM thinks that is because I never got close enough to anyone for them to walk between heads! (I have a very large personal bubble even now and don't like people being too close to me)

My hair was regularly trimmed when it was very long, perhaps that makes a difference as it is part of a routine.

My aunt had knee length hair her whole life. She had it cut a few years back and she was in her 50's then. She said she could not longer cope with the headaches as it was in a bun or tied back all the time due to her work with machinery. But the most alarming thing is that it is so thin on the top now... Is it possible that the weight of all that hair can do damage to the roots?

OP. Have you not cut your dd's hair for cultural reasons?

FGS get it cut, you have allowed it to get this long and its not fair on the child for her to go away and not be able to cope with her hair. No teacher is going to pander to an hour plus grooming so she will probably end up with it matted and that will be harder to deal with

If let an animal get too long in the fur so it couldn't cope with it, it would be considered cruel

UnderIce, my point was that there's nothing wrong with having things that are 11 year old on an 11 year old.
I know how bones are formed, and how hair grows- just that I don't find it disgusting that this girl has hair that is as old as she is.
I view it as part of her, same as her bones are, and see no reason to cut it, especially punatively, because she "should have a more practical style".

It's her hair, as much a part of her and her identity as her bones, or her nails, or her eyes, so why this awful attitude to trim it down and get rid of it.
It's hers, she wants to keep it. She does need to learn how to plait it, and sleep in plaits.

Maybe have a look at some websites OP to teach your DD how to manage her hair- you give her other advice I presume, on diet, tooth brushing, and getting enough sleep- hair care is no different.

My dd with long hair plaits her hair and sleeps in the plaits. She brushes it out at night, in bed, using her tangle tamer: she uses a spray of dry oil on the ends, and she wears the plaits all night. No tangles in the morning.

Rather than just suggesting chopping it all off, and donating it to some no doubt worthy charity(to assuage the guilt trip no doubt) why not accept her as she is, and leave her with her hair as she wants it, until she decides she wants to change it.

We don't all have to have shoulder length hair on our kids, with shorter hair for boys (ready for warfare), like some sort of cookie cut children.

Long hair doesn't have to be painful, just google some Sikh sites, or similar, and see how she can care for it and style it.

Maybe we should accept that this girl wants to keep her hair as it is, and suggest practical solutions as to how the OP could advise her dd on her hair care, rather than suggesting she cuts it- she doesn't want to cut it, so that's not really a helpful suggestion, is it?!

Embrace the difference!

There seem to be loads of hair style and care related videos on Youtube, no doubt there are some about caring for long hair.

VenusDeWillendorf
I don't think previous posters have suggested donating to charity as a 'guilt trip', I think it's more a suggestion that if the OP's daughter did decide to have her hair cut, rather than throw it away, she might like to donate it to a charity that helps children who have lost their hair through illness.

A thought just occurred to me too and it might not be suitable for an 11 year old but I think some people who have their hair cut for practical reasons have the cut hair turned into hair pieces so they can still have long(er) hair if they want to even if practicality has dictated a shorter hairstyle.