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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 11 is old enough to do their own hair

191 replies

RosesandRugby · 18/05/2014 13:58

My DD is 11. She has very very long hair, its down to her ankles so as you can imagine not easy to put up in a plait herself. We have just had a very loud long discussion about whether she should get it cut shorter (shoulder length perhaps) so that she can manage to style it herself as I feel at 11 years of age I should not be doing her hair for her. She disagrees and we have had total meltdown as a result.

I basically think at 11 she should be doing it herself.....shouldn't she ? She feels its ok for me to do it for her, what do the lovely chappies on mumsnet think? Should I stand my ground and insist she do it herself or get it cut shorter ? I really think at 11 I shouldn't even be having this discussion with her, she's old enough to know she should do it herself but I need reassurance I think that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not being a mean unreasonable mother .

OP posts:
hotcrosshunny · 19/05/2014 08:57

Sorry but I think YABU

She cannot manage her hair herself.

You didn't get help from your mum yet you didn't want it cut.

You're repeating the same mistake as your mum did.

piratecat · 19/05/2014 09:08

yes it's unreasonable. i thought you were going to say she couldn't be bothered to wash it, or bung some product in it.

goldopals · 19/05/2014 09:21

Your daughter's hair sounds INCREDIBLE and I wish my hair was that long. I do think that your daughter needs to take care of it herself

thebodylovesspring · 19/05/2014 09:26

Well I couldn't cope with ankle length hair and I 50.

It's far far too long and must impact in her life. Sports/health and safety on fair rides etc.

Sorry I think that much hair would look wierd. Just look at styles together and get it cut.

Mother and daughter relationships should be fun and happy! Not a battle ground.

Whose winning here? What's the point?

PixieofCatan · 19/05/2014 09:33

lowclouds I'm amazed that you have the patience to curl/wave that! Beautiful though.

OP Not really sure if YABU or not, though you are right in that she needs to be able to care for it herself during time that she isn't at home! Even if it is a case of you braiding it before she goes and her keeping those braids in a bigger braid or ponytail whilst she is away.

Like others though, I would like to mention the Little Princesses charity, I've donated my hair to them twice, only 10 inches each time and longer hair really is important for them. So if your daughter (or clouds or anybody with longer hair!) decides to get it cut, please ask them to consider donating it, 10 inches is the minimum length so it's not too much.

I had hair most of the way down my back when I was a teen but as I got older it got a lot thicker and started giving me headaches, my older sister was the same and we both have to keep our hair no longer than mid-back length now as adults Confused

KoalaDownUnder · 19/05/2014 09:37

She definitely should be doing her own hair at eleven! If it's too long for her to manage, she needs to have it cut.

As an aside, I really really don't think hair looks nice when it gets that long. Any hair, on anybody. It starts to look really...odd. So if I were you, I'd insist she get it cut on that basis alone.

Mrsjayy · 19/05/2014 09:40

That is ridiculous length of hair how can she manage long hair like that sorry but are you for real if you are if you want your child to have stupidly long hair then you have to help hermanage it

DillydollyRIP · 19/05/2014 09:50

That is rather long. What happens when she goes swimming with the school? Can she even get all the hair under a swim hat? My dd has hair near enough bum length and that's bad enough Shock

I agree with other posters. Donating the hair to charity to make wigs for little girls who have lost theirs due to chemotherapy. 11 is quite old enough to understand that might be a lovely thing to do?

DeWee · 19/05/2014 10:17

I would love to see a photo. I've never seen anyone with genuinely ankle length hair. Any performances of Rapunzel near you? Wink

My 13yo has bottom length hair, and really doesn't want it cut. She does still need some help. What I do is she does the basic brush out and I then give it the final brush (as long as she doesn't complain)
She likes it in 2 french plaits, so I do the top bit and she plaits the ends. If she's away, she can manage ordinary plaits, but not the top bit.

If it was up to me, then I'd have it cut half way down her back, but I do think it has to be her choice. It is part of her identity, if that makes sense, and she has very little confidence about her appearance, so the thought of me making her have it cut, and the potential for her hating it, would be bad both for her and for our relationship.

I'm going to mention the "Little Princess" charity to her, because they is the sort of thing that would really appeal to her. She would see a use to having her hair cut, and she would love to help other children. If she makes a decision, then that would suit both of us.

AWombWithoutARoof · 19/05/2014 10:30

Great to see the charity [albeit with a hideously twee name that is anathema to me as a parent of a girl!] getting so many mentions. If I had anything longer than about 3 inches on my head I'd give it to them. Smile

LowCloudsForming · 19/05/2014 10:56

Elle Me too….secretly had it lopped at 14 and then hid it under a hat!
Pixie I don't wave or curl it. We have no crimpers or tongs or whatever they are called (the only one in this house who uses the hair dryer is my son). I just plait it every day. So the hair goes curly when it is released from the plait.

KateSpade · 19/05/2014 11:03

I'm 25 and I can't plait my hair down my back! My hair is waist length, it's blooming hard!

Not useful at all, sorry!

QuizzicalCat · 19/05/2014 11:13

Whilst I'm all for individuality, if it's taking hours and hours to wash, brush etc but is then tied up in plaits or buns 99% of the time, as both the op and clouds have said, then what is the point?

Surely for the 99% of the time they look like the vast majority of girls with hair anywhere past their shoulders, plaits and buns are the opposite of individual amongst school girls.

It's a hell of a lot of hassle and work for 1% of the time.

Personally I would hate for my daughter to feel so defined by her hair at 11.

Whilst it may be their choice not to cut it now, it's been growing for 11 years, so actually it wasn't their choice at all. They're attached to it because it's always been there, because the choice was made for them years ago. They were taught, through the actions of their parents, that extra long hair is somehow special. I can't understand why any parent would choose to let their child's hair growth so long it takes away so much of their free time.

PrincessBabyCat · 19/05/2014 11:14

Wow. Ankle length? That's impressive.

I had no patience for my hair at that age and had it cut a bit shorter than chin length. I also knew how to style it and use hair products (just moose so the hair dryer didn't dry it out) at that age. Though short hair is much easier to manage for something like that.

Yes, I'd just stop helping her and let her sort it herself. She'll eventually figure out that brushing that much hair is a pain she can't be bothered with, or she'll learn how to brush it so that she can keep it.

VanGogh · 19/05/2014 11:15

I'm insanely jealous. My hair never got longer than shoulder blades as a child and won't grow much longer than shoulder length now without looking tatty and nasty

As much as I think ankle length hair is excessive, it's her hair. You've let her. I agree with cornrows for residential trips idea.

squoosh · 19/05/2014 11:17

'Whilst it may be their choice not to cut it now, it's been growing for 11 years, so actually it wasn't their choice at all. They're attached to it because it's always been there, because the choice was made for them years ago. They were taught, through the actions of their parents, that extra long hair is somehow special. I can't understand why any parent would choose to let their child's hair growth so long it takes away so much of their free time.'

Agree with all of this. It seems so old fashioned an unnecessary for a young girl to spend hours on her hair every day.

QuizzicalCat · 19/05/2014 11:20

Op you chose to make a feature of your dds hair when you chose to let it grow and grow from her being tiny.

Because of all the time spent on it, all the comments and compliments she gets on it she sees her hair as fundamental to her identity, to the point where she is hysterical about the thought of getting it cut.

To then suggest chopping it off, and stripping such a major part of her identity from her, because you don't want to deal with it any more is unfair - this situation is completely of your making.

Because of that it needs to be her choice, not yours, or in years to come she will still feel traumatised by an enforced cut, just like you.

LowCloudsForming · 19/05/2014 11:23

Quizzi and Squoosh
I don't spend hours on my dc's hair every day - just as long as it takes to brush and plait it. She washes it herself and yes, that process takes over an hour but she doesn't do that every day or it would become dry and brittle. From the age of 3 my children have expressed their preferences very clearly. My other older daughter preferred to have her hair incredibly short - almost crewcut at one point, so there was no parental pressure either way. Young children have so little choice in their lives that I felt that they should be allowed to choose their hair style.

fridgepants · 19/05/2014 12:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

LowCloudsForming · 19/05/2014 12:13

fridgepants you passion-killer! Those poor nits must have been well traumatised…..

fridgepants · 19/05/2014 12:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

LowCloudsForming · 19/05/2014 12:53

When we were small we used to have those things that went on taps - looked rather like fallopian tubes attached to the bath taps!

Purpleroxy · 19/05/2014 15:27

I'm sorry to be so blunt but ankle length hair is unsuitable for an 11 year old. I cannot understand why the OP would allow her dd's hair to get like this.

Op, help your dd make sensible decisions. Help her to understand a haircut is in her best interests.

Mrsjayy · 19/05/2014 15:30

I could sit on my hair at 10 was a thing for girls back then I hated it was so tuggy I could never get a brush through got it cut at 11 was such a relief

wobblyweebles · 19/05/2014 16:23

If you stop helping her manage her hair she'll probably want to get it cut pretty soon.

Leave it to her to manage and let her make the decision...

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