to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

If she was parky the mother should have said what she would eat. It's really not your fault.

You tried more than I would have.

Did you ask her what she likes to eat??

If the subject ever comes up.again of her sleeping over I would speak to the mum and find iut if she is (1) picky (2) phobic or (3) painfully shy.

I asked the mum if she would eat pizza and she said yes. She didn't say anything else about extreme fussiness!

Well she obviously liked pizza. Perhaps she was just too nervous, but no need for her Mum to be cross.

"The Mum looked at you quite cross" but didn't say anything. Well, you tried more than I would have. If the child has issues or is picky then the Mum should have told you what her requirements are.

This is one child you really don't need to invite back.

You made it clear you had offered her food and she clearly likes pizza so was just being picky.

Did you ask her what she wanted to eat?

I don't know what you could have done other than that. I'm fairly sure if you'd told the mother she wouldn't eat so you forced it down her, you would have got a telling off so...

How close are you to the mother? I'd text saying how you hope she's ok and if she knows why she didn't eat. So that you can deal with it better next time...

Definitely not shy. Quite bossy actually! I suppose I could have asked her what she would like to eat, but I have 3 dcs and we don't do that unless it's their birthday!

Perhaps the mum was annoyed at her daughter.

Did you ask the girl what she would eat? I would have offered other breakfast stuff, toast at least. Apologies if you did try this. I don't like picky eaters but I do try to accommodate them.

A friend of my son doesn't eat when at other people's houses. Even at birthday parties, and he's 8, has been like that since he was a toddler. When he comes over I put food in front of them on a big plate when they are watching TV/a movie whatever, and I walk out the room. He'll eat when I'm not there! The mum is very relax about it and takes the view that he will eat if he's very hungry. It does happen, but if your DD's friend is not used to sleepovers or visiting friends, her mum might not know yet. And often it's the anxiety of the parent that passes on to the child. Or maybe she just misses her mum!

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Doesn't sound like you tried very hard if you didn't ask what she would eat and didn't offer anything else. I know she's a child but I'd still treat her as a guest and try and meet her needs.

I know some kids only like a specific pizza etc, if that was the case the mum should have said.

Don't invite her again!

No I didn't offer anything but pancakes, which are a treat in our house so I wrongly assumed she might eat them. My mistake I guess. I was a little irritated at this point as we had offered so many different foods the evening before that I just saw it all going the same way.

I know the mum a bit, we have met at kids' parties etc. She's nice to talk to. She has mentioned things like "I have to have the food she wants ready as soon as she gets home from school or she goes mad" which seems a bit odd to me and there could be many reasons why this happens I suppose.

Have to say, I'm quite picky. When I was little I was a nightmare. Fish fingers and chips only type of thing. I had quite a lot of parents clearly angry at me. I also suffered from anxiety and although I was physically hungry, I also felt sick and couldn't bring myself to eat. Perhaps it's that...

dts have a picky friend who comes for tea every couple of weeks. He's lovely, and not shy, so I have a habit of checking what he wants for tea. I find I generally over accommodate if they do have buddies coming to eat, as normally I'm a hardline bastard who trots out such sentences as 'you don't have to like it my sweet, just eat it'

Fortunately (and I seriously think this is down to luck/personality) my kids take this in their stride. When they have their fussy mates to eat, they all have rather open discussions about their food preferences, parents approaches etc. It's fucking hilarious to sit in on

Having said all this, I think you were totally reasonable and they both sound like uptight tweakers.

My dcs were getting a bit exasperated with her actually! "Don't you like ANYTHING?" etc. I probably didn't get it right but with my own dcs I have never catered to fussiness really and just put the food in front of them and they can choose to eat it or wait for the next meal. I guess this doesn't work with all kids but it certainly did with mine. They were quite gobsmacked to see my actually offering options to this girl!

Doesn't work with my DD

I don't think you did wrong. You were told she likes pizza and you made pizza.

When I was about 8 I used to get really anxious at sleepovers. I was always worried that something awful would happen in my own house while I wasn't there (not sure why but it was horrible) so I was just like that little girl, totally fine one minute but shakey and nauseous the next. I wouldn't have been able to eat anything either. I think it was enough that you offered her food, so it was up to her whether or not she ate it xx

I actually thought all kids liked pizza and it only occurred to me to check at the last minute!

I think you are being quite mean, especially as you didn't offer an alternative to pancakes for breakfast and she had gone to bed on an empty stomach. Did you ask if she wanted pancakes before you served them?

Yes the mum should have warned you that she had particular tastes, but you should have given her some slack. She is a child, away from home for the first time. Maybe she was anxious about her food issues and that made her uncomfortable.

I think she could have been homesick. I couldnt eat when I was anxious as a child, just couldn't force it down.

I think you could have offered a bit of toast/cereal for breakfast. If she was feeling sick pancakes were probably a bit much.

She didn't seem upset or anxious at any point. We've had those ones too!

I think she probably gets asked what she wants to eat every day at home and is not used to other people's houses.

No, I didn't ask her if she wanted pancakes. We have had loads of sleepovers over the years and they always ate the pancakes!

I'm really not mean but my kids think I am

You have a good approach op, not pandering to fussiness. You have her a choice, she didn't like it so not much you could do. Her mothers reaction says it all really.