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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:
Needasilverlining · 17/05/2014 13:15

I find fussy eaters hard to deal with too, but will offer them options I don't offer my own DC (they get two; take it, or leave it). So I am sympathetic.

That said - and apologies for the caps but it's been asked loads and you haven't answered - WHY ON EARTH DIDN'T YOU OFFER HER A PIECE OF TOAST FOR BREAKFAST?

She's spoilt. You're not going to unspoil her in 24 hours. She was 8. She was starving. It would have taken two minutes. Not doing it in a fit of (understandable) pique because she'd turned up her nose at your pancakes was mean.

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 17/05/2014 13:17

Well pancakes for breakfast are only a treat if you like them! My dd hates them but likes every cereal and toast under the sun so I think that was mean to not offer a choice the next day knowing she must have woken up hungry.

Also homemade pizzas aren't always very nice especially if children have been involved!
She might only like frozen pizza.
When I was a child I wouldn't eat cold food like sandwiches if it had been made by other people, it made me cringe and still does today. I don't know why I'm like it but I am!

It sounds like your not very keen on the way this child is being patented so I wouldn't bother inviting her again if it's too much like hard work for you.

Birdsgottafly · 17/05/2014 13:17

"But I will try to chill out and just ask her what she wants next time. I will not feel good about doing that but I will!"
""My children aren't allowed to say that they don't like a food""

You sound very rigid and have a need to be in total control.

Other people, especially children are allowed to be different to you/yours and all children should be allowed to express an opinion over what they don't like.

Good manners is making a guest feel welcome and giving food options.

Unless you are desperately short of money.

The reason children were told that in the past was because of income, the cost of food and the lack of availability.

You had to eat seasonal veg, for nutrition etc.

I'm in my 40's with adult children, so I've watched them and their peer group grow up.

You can't tell what dirt if adults, children will become.

pinkr · 17/05/2014 13:18

one thought... is your house clean? Do you allow Pets on surfaces etc? I only ask as I had a friend growing up whose house I just couldn't bring myself to eat in. The kitchen was filthy... cats on the worktop, unwashed dishes,crumbs etc

Birdsgottafly · 17/05/2014 13:23

I also find it funny that the child is accused of wanting "crisp food", yet will eat scrambled egg, but the OP offered pancakes.

I can't imagine letting a 8 year old sit hungry and not ask her what she would eat, because I might have to give up control.

Birdsgottafly · 17/05/2014 13:24

"What sort"

Original poster
ankar · 17/05/2014 13:31

Yep, house very clean etc etc.

My homemade pizza is delicious, I promise you Grin

I do find it strange how many people/people's dcs say they hate pancakes or pizza. These are both very basic, simple, plain foods - it's not like I was offering fermented herring. It's not unreasonable to expect dcs to eat those things, even if it's not their favourite. Every other kid we've had has liked whatever I've cooked.

I did not offer anything else for breakfast, no. We'd gone through that performance the night before and I wasn't going to to start again, especially knowing that her mum would arrive soon and could feed her the way she wanted.

OP posts:
naty1 · 17/05/2014 13:32

I think you were right OP.
Up to the mum to tell you.
If the kid can say ... I dont like this, i cant eat it could i have cereal they are too young to be away from home.
If her mum did buy a pizza then yes she is spoilt.
She wasnt going to starve.
If you kept on fussing trying to get her to eat the attention could have made it worse anyway.
Maybe she lives on takeaways.
What are you supposed to do keep guessing?
I wouldnt so much cater to fussiness as avoid food that i know they really wont eat , if theres only 1 or 2 of those.
The other mum cant really expect more from you than this.
After school meetings can let her get used to you and eating there
Would a school offer endless options. No you either eat of you dont

pinkr · 17/05/2014 13:34

hope you werent offended by asking but I know levels of cleanliness vary and people are unawareGrin
I think a problem can also be when children are offered decent food. I have a friends dc who will happily eat frozen nuggets but turned their noses up at my freshly made chicken goujons. Hmm

Original poster
ankar · 17/05/2014 13:37

Agree naty that if children will eat most foods, it's fair enough if there are a couple of things they don't like. Once they've tried them. I do accommodate some preferences but would never ask them what they would like (you get to decide the menu on your birthday here) or, as I've seen others do, order a second meal in a restaurant when they reject what they first ordered!

OP posts:
Fathertedfan · 17/05/2014 13:38

We used to do a lot of respite fostering/emergency fostering. I cant remember any of these children who ate regular family food. I'd always ask them to make a list of what they liked to eat (potato waffles, pop tarts, specific sausages, pasta being some) and pop out and get them that first night. It took the panic away from meal times for them, as they were eating what they were comfortable with, and if they fancied 'our' food, that was great too. Surely similar rules for a sleepover for a 'new/nervous' child apply? It's only for one night, and easier to buy in what a child wil eat rather than a hungry child and a plate of food going to waste?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/05/2014 13:40

"delicious" is entirely subjective.

Ywbu. You knew she was anxious and you got the hump when she wouldn't eat your marvellously inventive "kids do it themselves" homemade pizza.
She was hungry. And 8 years old. and she was there for one night.
I fail to see how grown women manage to get so offended about food.

Original poster
ankar · 17/05/2014 13:41

It's strange isn't it pinkr....thankfully mine are used to proper cooking and prefer that although they like the odd McWhatever occasionally. I do believe that having taken them to random restaurants in far flung places and them knowing that if they wanted to eat they would have to pick something new and unusual (to them) off the menu has made them much more adventurous eaters.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 13:41

Well you offered a lot of times, you cannot ram it down her throat! She is 8, she will not wither away. The mum should have been thankful, she had no reason to be cross. It was obvious to her, her dd had issues with sleepovers, should have expected that. I would have even apologised!

Original poster
ankar · 17/05/2014 13:42

fathertedfan I did check that pizza was ok and was told it was.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 13:43

Exactly you should not pander to fussiness, in sleepovers as a kid you eat what the family eat or go hungry.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 13:44

I would not ask her again, mabey for a couple of hours type thing, but no sleepover.

Claybury · 17/05/2014 13:45

Unless there is good reason to pander to such fussiness I would say part of the reason for going to other people's homes is to experience different foods and routines etc. My DD is pretty fussy, if she came home from a sleepover having refused standard fare which you clearly offered I would tell her it was her fault for being fussy, you didn't nothing wrong.
DD 15 came home from friends last week telling me how proud I would be as she ate stir fry the mum had made, something she would refuse at home. I am glad she had the maturity/ manners to try it, and she said it was ok, if the host had asked her first she might have said 'no I don't like it '.

Original poster
ankar · 17/05/2014 13:45

And most do I think! Aeroflotgirl you can send your dcs over Grin

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 17/05/2014 13:46

Is it really pandering to fussiness to offer toast for breakfast? Or cereal?

I wouldn't impose a breakfast choice on an adult staying in my house, a guest, I'd ask them- do you fancy this or that, these are the options. It was mean to just present her with pancakes knowing she hadn't eaten the night before and knowing she would probably refuse them.

Sorry, the OP is sounding more and more judgmental and self-righteous about getting one up on a small child who might not be parented according to her standards.

Original poster
ankar · 17/05/2014 13:48

I don't remember ever being asked if I liked something at someone else's house. Snacks and extras, yes, you can say no thanks if you don't want it but not meals. You sat down, they put it in front of you and you were supposed to eat it! If there was something you didn't like you would try to eat some of it and hope nothing was said but it was not ok to tell the host you didn't like something.

OP posts:
Original poster
ankar · 17/05/2014 13:49

I did expect her to eat the pancakes! I would never offer something thinking they would hate it. Most kids love them!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 13:49

Thanks Ankar my ds is 2 so not for a while, my dd7 and doesent eat much, but if she doesent eat much, but I don't pander to her. She has the same as all of us, if she leaves it no sweets or treats, a slice of toast or two before bed to fill her up.

Needasilverlining · 17/05/2014 13:51

Yes, but YOU'RE NOT HER PARENT and she isn't being brought up that way!

You're clearly doing great with your DCs on food, but you are actually coming across as self-righteous and unpleasant now. Not to mention ignoring all questions in favour of stating your own food dogma.

Birdsgottafly · 17/05/2014 13:51

"I do accommodate some preferences but would never ask them what they would like (you get to decide the menu on your birthday here)"

As long as you recognise that you control your house, but others see it as a family home and everyone in it has input, age appropriate, of course.

Unless you work 50+ hours a week.

I have the disposable income to not view a pizza out, as an indulgence, if my children were hungry and I didn't want to rush home and cook.

I've picked my children up from residential trips and gone for a take away (them not me), I don't consider that being spoilt.

I was sitting behind a group of foreign exchange students, on a bus, German, Asian and French. The Asian students were saying how bad they were finding the food (they were having money sent over for food),the French said it wasn't great, the German's liked it.

"Good" food is subjective.