Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 38 39

Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:

Thenapoleonofcrime · 17/05/2014 11:28

Ankar I wouldn't change your whole approach, just be open to perhaps asking the mum about it.

Or don't have her for a sleepover but just after school, then if she doesn't eat at yours, she can go home for food at 6/7pm. I prefer that with fussy eaters.

Original poster

ankar · 17/05/2014 11:34

That's what I will try to do.

I am not sure this is an eating problem though. I think the mum would have said.

My dd was quite surprised at her friend. I could see that. Although she also often tells me all the things her friend has been bought over the weekend and thinks she has a much nicer life!

OP posts:

3rdtimelucky73 · 17/05/2014 11:35

Does no one else think an eight year old asking to 'pick up pizza' on the way home is unreasonable?

WowserBowser · 17/05/2014 11:35

Just change your approach for other kids. Not everyone is brought up the same.

Jesus Christ, i would have just asked her!

Kif · 17/05/2014 11:37

It's a bit of a touchy subject - because my DD is that child.

.She would have reacted the same way - becoming more and more resistant as more options were offered & fuss was made.

She can and does skip entire meals, or survive a day on a banana.

She's one of 4 - and certainly isn't 'pandered' - but I've learnt with experience to also not turn it into a fight - and to give her control over her eating in order to reduce her anxiety.

For my DD - I teach her to cook - and I keep serving healthy meals with something she likes & something that gently challenges her on every plate. For other peoples DD - you should just relax and try to not make an issue.

When my DD visits people - I don't leave a long list of instructions - other than mentioning the one common food stuff that she has a phobia of. Her behaviour varies depending on how tense she is - and it's a bit precious to send a manual for a 10 year old! I also like to encourage her to self-manage - I.e. to speak to the hosting mum etc - Tbh - its part of a wider social problem - and
I have trust most people to be able to roll with her quirks (eg she has had hysterical meltdowns at noisy parties - though she never minds noise at home).

Original poster

ankar · 17/05/2014 11:41

I think the pizza request was ridiculous, yes.

Kif your dd does not sound like this girl. Really. This child is sweet and I like her but she is definitely pandered to a great deal.

OP posts:

MrsDavidBowie · 17/05/2014 11:49

I would have offered toast and cereal for breakfast. Personally the thought of pancakes for breakfast wouldn't appeal.
But hey ho, don't worry about it...don't invite her again.

DrCoconut · 17/05/2014 11:51

When I was 17 I went out with a lad who would only eat chippy type food, instant mash, toast with butter, plain cereal and sweets/chocolate. That was it. No fruit or veg, pasta, rice, noodles etc. No sandwiches or curries or stews. The list went on. He had no SN or anything and was just fussy. My DS1 is very fussy but has SN. I think it'll ably helps to now if a visiting child has food issues and if so why (so you have an idea of how to approach it).

DrCoconut · 17/05/2014 11:52

It probably not it'll ably. Auto correct again.

clairewitchproject · 17/05/2014 11:54

OK - this is what you know:
You did your best to offer food you thought she would like. She did not eat food that she apparently eats elsewhere (pizza) but did eat a couple of bits of apple.

You know Mum was a bit anxious about her staying over and that at home it appears that Mum accommodates some food faddiness.

You do not know that she is spoilt. You do not know that she was doing it for attention. It certainly sounds anxiety based given that it was her first sleepover, and because she did eat a couple of bits of apple when desperate.

Now the genie is out of the bottle in terms of you knowing she may not eat at yours, you can
a) ascribe it to poor parenting and hoick your judgeypants at having kids who have not been fussy, and never invite her back
b) take it all personally as an insult to your efforts to cook for her, and never invite her back
c) accept that apart from the fussy eating, your DD and she get along and had a nice time, so if she stays over ask her mum to send food from home (and if she still doesn't eat it you will know its an anxiety reaction and nothing personal) and suspend any form of judgement on her or her mother's parenting because, let's face it, you actually don't know.

I am the mum of 4. 1 eats everything, 1 almost nothing, 2 are average kid fussy. All have been introduced to food the same way and parented the same way. Please can people stop jumping to conclusions and judging other people's parenting just because it isn't an issue you face.

rookiemater · 17/05/2014 11:58

Great post clarewitchproject.

DS is a bit of a fussy eater and yes maybe he is pandered to because he is our only, or maybe he might have been that way anyway. Provided the girls had a good time otherwise then I'd not get worked up about this.

You could perhaps email the mum and say that you were concerned as you had offered a number of choices and what would she recommend for next time.

Kif · 17/05/2014 12:04

I think emailing the mum is only necessary before the next sleepover - not to post-Mortem this one.

Topaz25 · 17/05/2014 12:09

She sounds spoiled asking to pick up pizza on the way home! I never would have done that as a child, takeaway was a treat. And if she can eat pizza she could have eaten the pizza the OP offered, especially since it was make your own so she could choose her own toppings. Maybe she's not ready for sleepovers.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 17/05/2014 12:13

I do think you were mean at breakfast. You let your annoyance trump the fact that the child must be hungry. She is only 8. Really not on.

I have found home made pizza is not loved by many children. But a bowl of pasta is eaten by most.

Floggingmolly · 17/05/2014 12:24

Didn't you tell the mum you'd made pizza, when the child was begging for pizza on the way home as she was "starving"? If she seriously looked crossly at you because her daughter gave you the run around food wise; she sounds a bit of an idiot...

wigglesrock · 17/05/2014 12:27

I think your approach to dinner time was fine. I think you were tight with regards to breakfast. I've 3 children- they're mostly good eaters, try different things etc but strangely home made pancakes - none of them enjoy. I could eat them all day every day but not my kids. You didn't put some toast, cereal etc out because you were fed up of her attitude about food in general - she's 8, you're a grown up.

Original poster

ankar · 17/05/2014 12:34

I don't know if this is an actual food issue. I don't think it is. But I do know that this kid is spoilt. Sorry, but she is. Even the mum has said so and I've seen the way she acts many times. But yes I invited her over knowing that.

She's only 8, yes. It depends what you expect from an 8yo I guess. I obviously expect a lot more from my 8yo, but so do many other parents I know.

OP posts:

Echocave · 17/05/2014 12:34

Afraid I agree YWBU at breakfast. Unfortunately you do sound like you were taking your frustration out on her a bit and whilst I understand you were irritated, I also think you were slightly unkind to her. As others have sensibly said, this may well have been an anxiety/homesickness thing if she's not used to sleepovers. 8 is still really young. All I would say is you don't want the issue to stop her wanting to come over or your dd will miss out.

Original poster

ankar · 17/05/2014 12:35

floggingmolly yes I told the mum some of the many foods we tried to offer. I can't remember if she said anything. I don't think she did. She only stayed a few minutes.

OP posts:

Original poster

ankar · 17/05/2014 12:38

I don't think we'll have her for a sleepover again. If my dd asks I will say no.

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/05/2014 13:02

I feel sorry for fussy eaters, especially children. They're so demonised IMO. Ppl take it so personally.
Maybe she wouldn't have eaten anything. And she won't have come to any harm by not eating. Also, if she's fussy then a heads up from her mum might help.
But if someone stays at my house (especially a child) I tend to go all out to try to make when feel welcome. I would have asked her for a short list of things she likes (although I guess that can be risky if she asks for something exotic and you're fresh out of lobster).
Not all pizza is the same IYSWIM. Especially to a child.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/05/2014 13:04

Breakfast is an easy meal to be flexible with.
Toast, yogurt, omlette, cheese and fruit, chocolate cake, bacon sandwiches.....

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/05/2014 13:09

Interestingly, when I read threads that are critical of fussiness and being pandered to, the issue always seems to be with little girls.
Are women less tolerant of girls?

I think that a bit of food refusal is a totally unreasonable "reason" to not invite a child who your dc gets on with back.

Original poster

ankar · 17/05/2014 13:09

I do try to do that but it goes against my instincts! I naturally would assume to treat the guest the same as my dcs, and that approach has been fine for almost every other guest we've had. I was always told to fit in and eat whatever I was given when I went to friends' houses - it was just good manners. I expect pretty much the same from my dcs - they would not expect to be asked what they would like to eat and are told to eat whatever they are given. I honestly see that as good manners and part of childrens' development. There are times when they get things the way they want and times when they don't.

I admit, I have a hard time with fussy children. Fussy adults are worse though!

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/05/2014 13:14

I think it's really important to not take It personally. You don't have to run around offering five kinds of cereal but it's nice for dcs to have a couple of choices, especially if they seem a bit particular.
If a host is especially intolerant of "fussiness" it can feel like a deliberate attempt to bend the guest to their will. I'd say she was just acting out some anxiety, an isse which you were already aware of.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 38 39