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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:

Lemiserableoldgimmer · 19/05/2014 16:11

"Good manners spread oil on turbulent waters not provide a framework to bully little people and make the less able feel inadequate I like this a lot"

Lt - your friend was very well-mannered.

You weren't.

HayDayQueen · 19/05/2014 16:13

Well given that Lt hasn't actually said what words she used, how do you know that she had been rude?

I WOULDN'T mind if someone had turned down something because they didn't like it or couldn't eat it. I WOULD mind if they had made a song and dance about it.

If the host is a good friend, they shouldn't be offended.

If the host is an acquaintance or it is more formal, then I would expect that they would offer fairly standard food, give a choice with one of the choices being fairly simple and not likely to offend or offer something with different parts, so that if one part wasn't to someone's taste they could leave it. If they don't do that then THEY'VE FAILED in their duty as a host IMO, not the guest.

I don't like olives, I would simply leave the olives from a salad or whatever they were cooked in (if it was a casual dinner DH would likely swipe them, he loves them). If they were smooshed up in something and it strongly permeated the whole taste of it then I wouldn't eat it at all. But given the slim chances of it being something like that I'd just be making a big fuss over nothing and causing the host a headache if I brought up that I didn't like olives.

LtEveDallas · 19/05/2014 16:14

I presume your host is a good friend

She wasn't then, she was the wife of a new work colleague. We became friends that night and have remained so for about 15 years now. So you presume wrong.

Maybe times have changed? Dinner parties are more fun these days in any case.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2014 16:22

Some do, I've seen it on come dine with me. Usually you know that if a guest left something, they obviously aren't keen on it. I always check with guests beforehand so don't get that problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2014 16:24

I agree lemise . I am pleased Lt, hopefully she's never made that faux par again.

LtEveDallas · 19/05/2014 16:25

Would you hand a bunch of flowers back to someone who's just given them to you, saying 'Oh sorry, I hate chrysanthemums"

I don't eat chrysanthemums and they don't make me vomitus. So no.

I get that you think I was rude. I don't and neither did the host in question. You weren't there, we were. I think I am better able to judge that you are .

HayDayQueen · 19/05/2014 16:28

Would you hand a bunch of flowers back to someone who's just given them to you, saying 'Oh sorry, I hate chrysanthemums"

I wouldn't hand them back, but if I suffered from massive hayfever and they made me sneeze they would be placed in a room far away from me. I wouldn't place them in the room we were in and sneeze for the whole night.

motherinferior · 19/05/2014 17:33

Bloody hell, I don't do that. If people come to dinner they get a meal I've cooked, not a choice. And it probably isn't 'fairly standard' if they're not used to Indian food, since that's frequently what I cook. Am clearly failure.

I'd hate to go to someone else's house and get 'fairly standard food' too, though.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 19/05/2014 17:49

I often cook Central/Eastern European food. I've yet to have anyone refuse my chlodnik or klops (while I wouldn't feed a strange child chlodnik, I wouldn't hesitate to offer klops).

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2014 18:11

gimmer

I want to be a diplomat's wife - it's not fair!

SuburbanRhonda · 19/05/2014 18:12

I knew I shouldn't have googled "klops" and clicked on the Urban Dictionary definition .....

Lemiserableoldgimmer · 19/05/2014 18:50

"I don't and neither did the host in question. You weren't there, we were. I think I am better able to judge that you are"

I don't think you want to believe that you were rude, and your friend probably fell over backwards to make you not feel awkward about it. You don't know what she was thinking. She's your friend, she wouldn't want to make you feel bad about being a fussy fecker.

LtEveDallas · 19/05/2014 19:11

I don't think you want to believe that you could be wrong about me not being rude. The lady hosting the party I had only met 30 minutes or so before, didn't fall over backwards to make me not feel awkward about it. She apologised for not asking for any preferences. You don't know what she was thinking any more than I do, but I do know that we got on very well that night, became friends and have eaten together many times since - including the day I made a strawberry pavlova and she told me she didn't like seeded fruits, so had a big bowl of vanilla ice-cream instead! She's my friend now, and most certainly wouldn't be as rude as to describe someone as a fussy fecker when they don't even know that person.

Funny isn't it? You have described ME as rude, when the only person being rude here is you . How embarassing.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/05/2014 19:58

Oh there's such a fine line in food refusal.
I don't think ltEve was rude, from what I read here.
I don't think the girl was rude, well, not really. I mean it's not the best manners to look at a plate of food and say "I don't like it" but it's a minor thing and I think I would have let it go.

Some ppl are just unfortunately more of. Pita with their food refusal.
It's hard not to be offended if a adult looks disdainfully at a meal you've cooked and pushes and picks at it in an affected an exaggerated fashion. I'd say thats rude. But maybe it's all subjective.

And I agree that being encouraged to eat a wide variety of foods and to limit processed foods is a good thing. But i don't assume that trying to do that always works. And I don't judge other opl who have "narrower" or "less sophisticated" tastes than I believe myself to have.
It's like looking down your nose at someone because they watch E4 rather than listen to radio 4.

And, as it seems To still be an issue, I will say that making pizza was a good idea. Another time the girl might enjoy it and eat it. Bit it is foolish to assume that all pizza is the same and when she (for whatever reason, who knows?) refused all but an apple it was churlish to "give up" and deliberately offer only pancakes for breakfast. It stinks of impatience and bitterness and of trying to make a point because the op has judgemental views on how the girl is being brought up.

The bunch of flowers thing makes no sense. It just shows a lack of understanding about how lots of ppl struggle with food. There's really no comparison with having to eat something that you find distasteful and accepting a bunch of flowers that you not keen on.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 19/05/2014 20:50

I'm not sure either the bubble bath or the bunch of flowers analogies worked. With both of those you can say thanks, then just give them away or chuck them in the bin when no one's looking. Tricky to do that at a dinner table unless you have very large pockets or an obliging dog.

And when I said rustle up earlier I was talking about a sandwich or maybe beans on toast/couple of fish fingers under the grill at a push. Not a 5 course silver service meal. And yes I would do it for an adult as well as a child.

Caitlin17 · 19/05/2014 21:34

Rafals you're spot on about gifts, the analogy doesn't work.

I do have to wonder what would have been so hard to offer cheese on toast, cereal , especially at breakfast. The pancakes or nothing smacks of a "well that'll teach you " attitude. I'm sure we'd have been told if the visitor had been rude/broken anything or committed any other crime so all in all it's petty behaviour on adult's part.

CorusKate · 19/05/2014 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 19/05/2014 21:55

If I had eaten the soup I would have been unable to eat the main through feeling sick, which is more rude?

Which is more rude, telling your host in advance that you don't eat fish, or waiting till you turn up and leaving her lovingly prepared salmon soup?

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