to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

You make another good point there too.

I mean if a parent/child told you that the only pizza their child ate was the waitrose goats cheese rocket and olive pizza with the olive oil and herb crust. You'd want to tell the pretentious little wotsit to sod off.

However if a child will only eat cheese and tomato sainsbury basics pizza you all happily oblige because you worry they might not feel welcome or you think you understand why it might be like that.

Why is one set of tastes acceptable and the other not?

Because again we assume that kids, especially te fussy ones, will only eat familiar basic uniform food.

"I'm older than Lemiserableoldgimmer - and there are a few things I don't eat"

Don't eat or can't eat?

I can't eat something if I have a very bad physical reaction to it - hives, swelling throat, vomiting etc. 'Don't' suggests 'won't. I don't eat deep fried food at home because it gives me the runs and is unhealthy. But if someone dishes it up to me when I'm a guest at their house, I eat it and say thank you.

"I am 42 and had no problem at all telling a host that I wouldn't have her starter of Smoked Salmon Soup. I hate fish, the mere thought of a soup made of it made me gip. I was polite about it - far more polite that bringing it back up in between courses. I would also happily turn down veal and offal."

If there are foods that you will vomit if you eat you need to phone your host before hand and explain, is all.

Would add, that if you did this at my house, I'd do all I could not to make you feel bad about it, but I probably wouldn't be falling over myself to invite you again.

"It's not rude, it's simply honest."

If eating a food will result in you vomiting you obviously have to explain to your host why you can't eat it. If you can eat the food and keep it down and it won't bring you out in hives, then that's what you should do. Rejecting food because you don't like it is like handing back a packet of bubble bath given to you as a gift, while saying 'oh sorry, I don't like the smell of jasmine/rose, I don't want it. Have you got anything else I might like in your present drawer?'

But do you eat foods that you actively dislike? I mean if someone dished up your worst nightmare or served you sheeps eyeballs would you really eat it, rather than simply say, "Oh no thankyou, I'm afraid that I don't like eyeballs, sorry"

I don't eat most cheese products - if I eat too much I get bad eczema. I tend not to drink alcohol. I don't eat Prawns with their heads on (or suckling pig if someone tells me thats what it is) or Lobster/Crab.
But for most occasions this is unlikely to cause offense, as an adult, I just "skip" the cheese course, etc.

Admittedly if you served up: White soup (sorry does make me nauseous), followed by Lobster (which I would probably try to eat a little and smuggle the rest to DH), followed by just cheese. Well I would go home a bit hungry and might be tempted by McD's or a Kebab on the way home.

Actually the worst thing is if someone did produce a menu just to treat DH, I probably couldn't eat most of it (as his favourite foods are my most unpalatable).

However I wouldn't be rude about it, and would probably do the hide it under a lettuce leaf bit. No one has ever complained, or not invited me again. The child in the OP didn't seem to be rude, just hungry after an overnight and not eating.

So are we expected to like everything and be labelled fussy as an adult because there are things we don't like? I don't see anything rude about stating I don't like something, if I'm having guests I always check out my menu with them first to. It's mad to think everyone should like everything .

I am 42 and had no problem at all telling a host that I wouldn't have her starter of Smoked Salmon Soup. I hate fish, the mere thought of a soup made of it made me gip. I was polite about it - far more polite that bringing it back up in between courses. I would also happily turn down veal and offal. It's not rude, it's simply honest.

TBH, if a guest of mine did that without having told me before they came that they couldn't eat fish, veal or offal I'd think it was pretty rude.

Yes, I would eat good I actively dislike. I have done, and expect my children to do the same.

Ltevedallas that is rude, if somebody hosts you for dinner, you tell them before hand if there are foods you really don't eat, not when they have cooked it. Then you don't make a song and dance out of it on tge night, you quietly leave it if you really can't eat it!

Should add, I'm a diplomat's daughter and travelled the world with my parents as a child. We were often invited out as part of my fathers job, where turning a nose up at the local delicacies would have caused bad feeling - hence we were schooled not to do it. None of this traumatised me, in fact I'm the least fussy person I know, bloody love food and have bought up three children who'll happily shovel down bizarre and challenging nibbles like tiny baby octopuses with little curly tentacles, borscht by the gallon, whelks, and raw fish....

Yes, I think it's rude to say "Sorry, I don't like this". If there are things you absolutely cannot stand, make it clear in advance. What the hell is your host supposed to feed you otherwise?

Fermented mare's milk was the grossest substance I've ever had to ingest.

On holiday, in a yurt with locals who presented me with the delicacy and a look that defied me not to drink it. I managed to do it without breathing, but every time I thought about what was swilling around in my stomach afterwards, I was nearly sick.

If I had eaten the soup I would have been unable to eat the main through feeling sick, which is more rude?

Or I would have had to leave through feeling sick, which is more rude?

Or I would have vomited (hopefully in their toilet), which is more rude?

The host was actually fine with it, said "I'm sorry, can I get you anything else" to which I replied "No its fine thank-you, all the more room for that lovely beef I can smell" We are still good friends and cook for each other regularly.

I would never take offence if a guest didn't like an option in my home, but then I would have the good manners to tell them the menu beforehand in any case.

I think it is old fashioned and unnessessary to eat food you don't like simply to be 'polite'. I think it is more impolite to lie to your friends. I would rather my friends were honest - and thankfully they are.

I do hope you enjoy your sheeps eyeballs, tripe, kidneys and testes. I'll say "No thank-you" and you can have mine as well

Even the name "whelk" sounds disgusting.

You're a diplomat's daughter, are you, gimmer?

So what did your dad do for a living?

Thing is, the picky eaters thing is a nightmare. I'm caught between saying a) yes, of course one should be a good host, and it is just horrible not to want a child to come round because they're a picky eater.

Then, on the other hand, b) I know how stressful it is when dd's ultra picky friend comes round who won't eat in other people's houses (baked beans 'not right' even if they are exactly the same brand eaten at home and tin has come from her mother's multi pack, plain pasta & rice no good, even though fine at home etc etc) and starts to look grey and shaky & miserable from hunger . . . & then picks fights or cries.

Lt you simply leave it to the side, not make a big hoo har about it! If host questions why you have left it, then you say in the most politest of terms that you are not keen on offal or whatever. A host should know that if a gust has left something, they do not like it.

Arf Suburban!

My mum was a diplomat's wife - a bloody job title in those days.... Except her job was unpaid... if you ignore the dress allowance, catering allowance, servants, gin and tonic flowing from a running tap

Yes Lt that does sound very rude. I presume your host is a good friend, as I think that anybody else would find your response to something you don't like very rude.

Could hardly leave a big bowl of bright pink stinking fishy stuff "to one side" aeroflotgirl, was a bit obvious.

No big hoo ha, and I never said there was.

Good manners spread oil on turbulent waters not provide a framework to bully little people and make the less able feel inadequate I like this a lot

"I think it is old fashioned and unnessessary to eat food you don't like simply to be 'polite'."

Would you hand a bunch of flowers back to someone who's just given them to you, saying 'Oh sorry, I hate chrysanthemums".?

When someone cooks for you they are making a gesture of generosity and friendship. Saying 'no thanks, I don't like it' is hurtful and a bit insulting.

Lt, if I was your friend I'd go to the ends of the earth not to make you feel bad about having told me you disliked my food, but inside I would be miffed.