to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

aeroflot that's the point, the OP didn't offer a slice or two of toast to fill her up this am!

I find the problem is not picky, fussy eaters, it's the parents who refuse to acknowledge this. If the mother had said to you: she's really fussy and may not even eat, don't worry about - you would not be questioning yourself. But so many parents of fussy children are either ignorant of the fact (perhaps because they eat a v limited diet themselves) or ashamed of it or defensive about it, so won't mention it to the unsuspecting person who will have responsibility for feeding their child. We have a niece like this - her parents tell others that she likes everything, no food is a problem.... I have only EVER seen this child eat fish fingers, white bread and butter, and I see her a lot. If they just told the other parents, she only eats fish fingers and white toast, the other parents may judge but they would also serve her something she can eat. But her parents refuse to admit it.

Should have said "What do you normally eat at home?" and gone from there.

Not so important that she ate so little, though, honestly, we're all well-nourished westerners. A half day of low food intake matters not a jot.

I imagine the pizza had wrong sort of crust, or the pancakes had wet toppings. Some kids have weird issues.

Perhaps the other mum wasn't cross, and just worried? Afraid I have one of those faces that looks cross when I am worried, thinking, reading...:-D

Then I totally disagree, she offered many choices to the girl. His is she judgemental! The girl obviously is not ready or confident enough for a sleepover not her fault! It was more mums reaction that was a bit off! You offer her choices, she refuses than nought more you can do, can't stuff it down her throat!

Agree with silver.

OP, you started off sounding like someone very reasonable, who had gone out of their way to make your DD's friend able to eat something, but now you're sounding pompous and inflexible.

All this "my food is delicious", "I did expect her to eat pancakes", "My children are this, my children are that" is not sounding good.

I wonder how your DD will feel when you tell her that you won't be inviting her friend round again because she spurned your delicious food?

Make a mental note not to gave her for sleepover until older!

No op saying not haver her over at all, just not for sleepover

I think it's utterly bizarre to offer one type of food for a weekend breakfast and not to even ask if they'd like something else. What an odd way to treat a guest.

Saying 'would you like toast instead' or even (gasp) 'what would you like' is hardly a rigmarole. It's a normal question you'd ask anybody.

How have you managed all these conversations/ rigmaroles with her regarding food and none of them included asking her what she would like?

It's as if you don't want her to have food she will eat.

Why are some posters convinced she would have eaten toast? That's the magic answer?? She ate nothing else on offer, why is toast going to do the trick?

I agree that the girl's mother should have been apologetic about her daughter not eating.

Also, would you shove pancakes in front of an adult guest and then refuse to make them anything else if they didn't like them?

I do believe that having taken them to random restaurants in far flung places and them knowing that if they wanted to eat they would have to pick something new and unusual (to them) off the menu has made them much more adventurous eaters.

Congratulations OP! That is where those of us with fussy eaters are going wrong (smacks forehead and self flagellates) if ONLY I had thought to take my kids out to a restaurant occasionally instead of forcing them to stay at home eating only breaded chicken nuggets like wot I have done all these years. My single fussy eater (of my 4) is ALL MY FAULT because I am a BAD PARENT and of course it is entirely reasonable that because my child doesn't eat much of a range of food that he should not be welcome to play at your child's house, less he infects your kids with his fussiness. IF ONLY I had 'expected more of my 8 year old' like you have done with your marvellous brood I could be as smug as you.

You know I am glad my eldest has SNs. It stopped me becoming a prize twit of a parent.

It's not about accommodating a guest silver. People, in,clouding the OP, would probably never treat an adult guest the same way.

This is all about competitive parenting.

Corus- they don't add them all together, they add the things they like! So, ham and cheese and olives, with a salad (say cucumber, sweetcorn and tomatoes) on the side. It doesn't have to be in one bowl, I have plates too. What's weird about that?

plain pasta with bowls of ham/cheese/cucumber/pineapple/olives

That sounds revolting.

And what is it about fucking olives? How come they are the Holy Grail of good parenting?

I can honestly say that I've never had an adult guest who refused food. Usually by adulthood people have learned that it's rude to refuse food that someone else has made you. And anyone with a serious avoidance issue (allergic, hates it, intolerant, vegan, etc) would let me know in advance.

She's 8, so is welcome to be rude about food when vulnerable and staying in someone else's house. But her mother should have warned the OP in advance about her food issues. The little girl was in no danger of starvation, and the OP offered a nice breakfast.

Can't believe so much worry over the child's low food intake over a maximum, what, 18 hour period? Not ideal, but no biggie.

Don't most people have different rules for guests? My kids accept that. DC have to eat their veg to get pudding (guests don't). Guests get served first, guests get bigger portions of pudding if I can't make the portions pretty much the same, guests get to choose the food often, guests are asked nicely to do X while my kids get scolded for forgetting, etc.

I thought this was normal good hostess behaviour?

It's not naked- you can add pesto/yoghurt or a salad dressing. The cheese is feta, cheddar or whatever I've got in. I didn't describe the whole thing, I was saying what worked for me in terms of offering choices!

Not for the OP, holiday.

I'm worried she'll never get over her pancakes getting nul points

calm down everyone, why the anger?

OP, I have had a sleepover with a child who refused all my food.

He ate a slice of dry toast in the end (no butter, as even my butter was the wrong brand).

The child who visited us, IMO, has some kind of SN's (though parents are in denial) and cannot cope with anything different to what he is used to. So I offered all the food options in the house (eggs, cereal, fruit even crisps or biscuits but they were al "wrong" and he sullenly stared at the floor. I was relieved he compromised on some dry toast in the end!

To me, if you have a guest, whatever age, you try to accommodate them, and if they are fussy for whatever reason (SN or just awkwardness)you offer them some options. Not difficult to offer a bowl of cereal or some bread, surely.

I'd not feel a good host if people in my house were not fed, I guess.

your DD's friend sounds anxious, and it is a shame this anxiety triggered annoyance in you, as that would have made it even harder for her.

Yogurt on pasta?

Sorry, but bleurgh

Pesto and yogurt and a dash of lemon juice. I love it. Not all my guests do though, that's why I don't make them have it!