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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
Famzilla · 16/05/2014 23:09

YABU, a crap situation yes but in now way is it your sisters fault.

Forgettable · 16/05/2014 23:09

Your DH will have to go alone, I am sorry that your plans fell through, your sister - well, you shan't forget this in a hurry will ye. Grrrr.

scarletforya · 16/05/2014 23:10

Well, I'd be gutted but I'd stay at home I guess. You asked her and she's already refused. What can you do.

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2014 23:12

It's a totally crap situation but your sister is doing nothing 'to you'

She's just managed to find herself alternative child care

I hope you can do the same Flowers

Wigglebummunch · 16/05/2014 23:13

It's not your sisters problem though is it? Are you close to her?

Miggs28 · 16/05/2014 23:13

Unfortunately your DH will have to go on his own. It's a shame that your plans fell through but is just one of those things.

Agree with the above poster though, I wouldn't forget that your sister wouldn't help you out but I do think you're going to have to come to terms with the fact you'll need to stay at home and look after your DS.

TheScience · 16/05/2014 23:14

Fine to ask your sister, but it's a fairly big ask to have someone to look after your difficult 3 year old for several days. She is quite within her rights to decline.

I wouldn't call a wedding a "childcare emergency" either tbh - it's disappointing for you that you can't go, but not an emergency.

gamerchick · 16/05/2014 23:14

Well as much as I feel your frustration.. a childcare emergency is something like an emergency admission to hospital or something.

can you not change your flight and follow on with your son? I wouldn't change a looked forward to weekend away so somebody else could have a holiday.. not a chance, but yanno, you would be within your rights not to do any big favours should they crop up.

HauntedNoddyCar · 16/05/2014 23:14

Did you actually ask your sister? Your post makes it sound like your mum said it would be ok and you assumed. Yabu

NinetyNinePercentTroll · 16/05/2014 23:15

Agree with others, YABU. Your sister is entitled to a break. If it's a serious choice between you cancelling your trip to look after your child or your sister cancelling hers to have him, no contest I'm afraid - Your child. Your problem.

Chippednailvarnish · 16/05/2014 23:16

I can't believe she is doing this to me

But she's not "doing" this to you. Its just an unfortunate clash of events.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 16/05/2014 23:16

YABU Your mum shouldn't have said that your sister would look after your DC and you shouldn't just have assumed that she would either.

Your sister is probably looking forward to her break as much as you were looking forward to yours. She's managed to find alternative childcare so she gets to go away.

HarpyFishwifeTwat · 16/05/2014 23:16

It's a rubbish situation but YABU. By your own admission your son can be a handful, you didn't ask her if she would help just assumed she would and now expect her to cancel her plans just so you don't have to cancel yours. Sorry, YABU.

Sandthorn · 16/05/2014 23:17

Well, either you cancel your holiday to look after your own child, or your sister cancels hers to look after your child for you. Hmm

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/05/2014 23:17

When did you ask your sister OP?

WorraLiberty · 16/05/2014 23:17

Can you change to a different flight and take your son?

Tobagostreet · 16/05/2014 23:17

Sorry, but it's not your sisters fault that your childcare plans have fallen through. Yes, it would be great if she was willing to help, but she is not, nor has she ever indicated that she would. Hmm

(Though tbf in her situation, I'd do anything I could to facilitate my DSis and DBil attending the wedding - so worthwhile remembering the lack of support from her should she have a 'need' in future).

It's a rubbish situation to find yourself in. Have you actually investigated the possibility of an extra seat on the flight for your DS? Might be worthwhile a call to the Airline in case of any cancelations. Even if you were able to move the booking to a flight with more seats available?

Cold comfort, but at least your DH will be able to see his DB get married.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 16/05/2014 23:18

That is a really unfortunate sequence of events, but I don't feel your sister is being all that unreasonable to be honest, it's not just a weekend either it's Thursday to Tuesday, that's a long time to look after someone else's three year old. I really don't see why (apart from the loss of the plane fare) it's such a big problem for your Dh to go without you. Disappointment, yes, but not worth ripping your family apart for. But, yes, bear it in mind if your sister ever wants a big favour.

houseofstark · 16/05/2014 23:18

YANBU I think some posters are being a bit harsh on you.

bangersmashandbeans · 16/05/2014 23:20

OP I'm with you - YANBU. I have two sisters, both with kids, and both would cancel their plans in a heartbeat in this situation. Hope you get something sorted.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 16/05/2014 23:22

YABU - why does your need to go to an event more important than hers?

tumbletumble · 16/05/2014 23:22

I don't have a sister but in the same situation I would not expect my brother to change his plans. Sorry OP but I think YABU. It's up to you to sort out your own childcare.

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:22

Yes we have rung the airline - no seats on the flight going out or coming back - but we have asked to go on the standby list.

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 16/05/2014 23:23

YABU unfortunately unless you've provided a lot of ad-hoc emergency. childcare for your sister in the past and she's never reciprocated. If that's the case, I'd be making it very clear that the favour should be returned now or no more backup care for her ever.

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:24

If it was the other way round I'd do it for her...

OP posts: