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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/05/2014 18:16

These things happen. It's a pty, but hardly a crisis.

londonrach · 19/05/2014 19:29

Disappointed.com in op. Her new comments re her sister. (Shakes head and signs disappointed) i really hope her sister doesn't read them. Op if you reading this yours sister us more important than this wedding. Please look after her.

Canthisonebeused · 19/05/2014 19:46

Don't demand ask someone in the party traveling out to swap tickets, I'm pretty sure no one would opt to travel alone in a separate flight to the rest of the family just to accommodate a three year old.

Only1scoop · 19/05/2014 19:59

Op you would most likely incur costs far greater than you have already paid by trying to swap around tickets and compensating someone else to do so. Even if it was remotely likely.

I have a feeling you will be going though you seem very determined for your holiday to go ahead.

Hope it all works out in the end and your mums job is all ok.

youwouldthink · 19/05/2014 20:15

OP just from the travel point of view. It's very likely an economy seat will open. Its very unusual with long haul flights to be completely booked this far in advance...but if indeed they are then providing there isn't a huge WL (you can check your position with the airline) you are pretty sure of getting a seat.

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 19/05/2014 21:03

The problem may be that the wedding party is large which is perhaps why the flight is full. But we are on the waiting list for another ticket and just hope that a passenger somewhere cancels.

If this doesn't happen I won't be going to the airport with our son on the off chance, I will be staying home.

OP posts:
ScarlettlovesRhett · 19/05/2014 22:28

Flossie, a handy link for you (some wise words from a Disney princess). Wink

sisterofmercy · 20/05/2014 17:44

I do hope you have travel insurance....

LIZS · 20/05/2014 18:01

Travel insurance unlikely to cover it.

titchypumpkin · 20/05/2014 18:02

I can understand why you're upset OP, it's a shitty situation and a big disappointment. But pp are right, your sister hasn't actually done anything wrong, it's not like she offered to help and then pulled out. I would help my sister out if I was in her position, but sadly she has shown her true colours as it were. At least you now know where her priorities are and what family means to her. I feel for you :-(

I also feel for your mum, she must feel really upset and feeling she's letting you down, but it's not her fault and she shouldn't rock the boat if she needs the job and likes it.

As long as your DH gets to go and see his brother get married that's the main thing. You'll just have to keep your fingers crossed and hope for a flight, if not let it go sadly.

Bithurt · 20/05/2014 18:40

Not sure if anyone's mentioned this and I've skimmed your posts as I need to get up, but I get you don't want to leave your son with a friend for 6 days, but would it be possible for your sister to have your son from the Tuesday to the Friday (or whatever day she leaves) then a friend could have him the weekend?

Bithurt · 20/05/2014 18:45

Got that mixed up! Could your sister have him the Thursday night, a friend take him the weekend then he could go back to your sister? I know it's a lot of moving about but it's not like it's a regular thing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2014 19:12

titchypumpkin
"I would help my sister out if I was in her position, but sadly she has shown her true colours as it were."

So even thought the sister hasn't done anything wrong, just because she has the audacity to have a life and won't drop everything she is still wrong!

workhouse · 20/05/2014 19:49

All of you saying "let it go',would you all really be happy to lose such a considerable amount of money without trying really hard to come up with a solution? That's all the OP is doing.

Canthisonebeused · 20/05/2014 19:58

I would have been straight on it rather than just assuming my sis would do it. Had OP tried when she found it she may have had a flight or may have had her sister looking after her ds, but instead she sat back and expected it all to fall into place. Workhouse. However more to the point many people wouldn't have booked 6 days away without there small child in the first place.

workhouse · 20/05/2014 20:05

Well she didn't get on it straight away, she wrongly assumed her sister would help out, she has now apologised, given her flowers, and is trying to find another solution.

Her child is 3, leaving a three year old with a loving grandparent for six days is hardly the crime of the century.

Canthisonebeused · 20/05/2014 20:14

Exactly why she's in the situation she is in and the point I'm making is others saying let it go are the posters who most probably wouldn't now be in that same situation. OP left it too late that's the breaks unfortunately.

PluggyMug · 20/05/2014 20:50

YABVU!

I always find it odd that family weddings don't include taking the dc who are part of the family. Surely dh's family would want to meet/see your ds?

I wouldn't want to go so far for so long and leave dc in the uk - regardless of who with. What if he was ill and you couldn't get back? What if flights were delayed? What f he missed you/his home/his normal routine? 3 is v small to be expected to cope with such separation. Surely, there was always a possibility that a spanner would get in the works? Chicken pox, tummy bug etc - had you thought through a plan b or got adequate insurance/flexible fares?

I personally wouldn't be comfortable asking my parents to use their holiday to look after my 'spirited' child. Your mum sounds like she works incredibly hard, it's a massive ask from her in the first place.

You seem to describe your ds as a terror in an 'amusing' way. Badly behaved kids aren't cute and maybe your sister finds him v hard work.

I am not a lone parent and I find looking after my own preschoolers seriously hard graft. There is no way I would volunteer to look after another one for 6 days and nights (unless it involved a genuine emergency ie death, trauma, act of god in which case I'd try to do my duty but not cope v well probably). Much less would I give up my plans (which are usually made way in advance due to very ones lives being so tricky). It is not fair to assume your sister could easily rearrange. Money is not the only factor for most people.

All in all, I think YABU in a huge way. Your sister has done nothing wrong and you are being v unfair to make her feel this way. My so kings and I are very close and in general would ben over backwards to help each other, but we would never ask something like this on this kind of scale. I don't think we would ever see not doing such a huge favour as a slight at all.

Ultimately, you could sort out alternative travel so you can take ds with you, or DH can still go on his own. Either way, there is no emergency.

aurynne · 20/05/2014 21:05

PluggyMug, children are welcome at the wedding... it's the OP who does not want to take him!

maddy68 · 20/05/2014 21:15

Go on a different flight ( go days earlier) with your child or stay at home. Why on earth should your sister give up her weekend away? It's not just your sisters arrangements but those of her friend. You chose in the first place to go without your child. .its unfortunate but that's the option you have.

Have you got a friend you could ask to have in the day time while your mums at work and then mum have him after work?

SweetsForMySweet · 22/05/2014 13:53

YABVVVU. This is completely your own fault and you have only yourself to blame. You and your family have taken your sister for granted (one too many times by the sound of it). Admit it: You want to have a childfree holiday (The wedding is only a very small part of it) and having to mind an energetic 3 year old would cramp your style. You have said "he is noisy, he is naughty, I do not want to have to put up with disapproving looks from other passengers" yet you claim you don't want to take him because it would be unfair on your son. It sounds like a lot of lame excuses. Either take him with you or see if you can arrange to book him into a creche during the days you are away and ask someone to keep him the rest of the time. Could you change your flights so the break is shorter?

You have been rude to your sister. You owe her an apology. Just because she is a single parent does not entitle you or your family to treat her so disrespectfully or pressume that your plans are more important than hers. Get over yourself!

teacherwith2kids · 22/05/2014 22:10

Why is your son so badly behaved that you originally didn't want to take him with you?

Is it attention-seeking because you - it seems to me - obviously don't put him first in considering what the family does etc?

Could you take this as a wanring, and really focus on making him rather pleasanter to be with, both so that YOU want to be with him, and that other people might want to to?

Doooooowop · 22/05/2014 22:15

Check out the OP's other thread for further evidence that she is being unreasonable

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 22/05/2014 23:59

Do you even like your sister? :(

And leave your mum alone!

Isetan · 23/05/2014 05:11

The "Smug Married" comment appears more accurate and more restrained with every illuminating sanctimonious and self serving update from the OP. The OP's own description of her behaviour to date, paints a very unflattering picture of someone who thinks her 'problems' take precedent.