Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
UncleT · 17/05/2014 01:36

The 'smug married' stuff is wrong of her to say, but it's really quite possible that her plans are also important and she has some right to be annoyed that you've assumed otherwise (which you obviously do).

qazxc · 17/05/2014 01:56

I can see why you feel put out losing out on your trip and money spent.
But I think YABU (a bit), you assumed your sister would drop her plans and look after your (by your own admission difficult) child for a week without asking her.
You say that she can rearrange easily but that may not be the case (she might have used the last of her holiday time off work if she works, you don't know her friends circumstances, the trip might not be as easy to rearrange as you think it is, ...).
She is right that your plans do not trump hers, also a wedding is not an emergency.
If my DSIL would ask me, I would give up my trip; but then maybe for your sister it is the last straw in you being entitled.

UncleT · 17/05/2014 02:04

Are we going for a record here with the number of times we can say 'entitled' in this thread? :-)

steff13 · 17/05/2014 03:30

Does a 3-year-old child need his own seat on a plane? I thought they could sit on a parent's lap at that age.

sykadelic · 17/05/2014 03:33

YANBU to think that it would be nice if she would do it and that many people would do it for their own family members and YANBU to be upset... BUT

YABU to have just assumed and not asked (and arrogant). YABU to blame her.

It sucks but it looks like you'll have to cancel your trip... OR can you reschedule to make it shorter (if it works for your mum) OR can you reschedule the ticket to a time where you could take a family holiday.

I have to admit if it were me I'd have got on the phone to my sister immediately and asked whether she can change her trip to the following weekend and look after my kid while I'm gone, and I'd look after hers while she was gone and a few other weekends to make up for the 6 days/nights. Bit late now though!

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 17/05/2014 03:53

Steff - own seat once over age two.

winterland · 17/05/2014 04:04

You should never have assumed. It sounds like you think you are better than her, busier, more important?

I would have said no to looking after a 'spirited' child for 6 days too. It's far too much to ask, family or not.

Bring him with you. Surely your son will miss his parents too. How horrendous could the flight be? Its only a few hours.

Jomato · 17/05/2014 04:49

You shouldn't have assumed and the fact that you did suggests that maybe you do have an entitled attitude that is impacting on your sisters response to this situation.

However after 3 years of reading AIBU on an almost daily basis I never cease the be shocked by the prevalent attitude on here to expecting others to help you out with childcare. I find it really sad. I know that their are multiple people in my life that would drop their plans to help me out in this situation and they know I would do the same for them. Being prepared to put yourself out for friends and family seems to me to be one of the central reasons for having a support network in the first place. I find it quite sad that for a lot of people lead such self-reliant lives, it sounds very isolating to me.

Thumbwitch · 17/05/2014 05:16

God, what a mess. :(

YANBU to be sad that your sister has had this reaction.
YABU not to have phoned her and asked her yourself, it's quite a lot to take on.
YANBU to not want to take your "spirited" 3yo to America with you, as no doubt you'd have to find childcare for him during the wedding which would be difficult in itself.

Your sister is technically NBU to want to stick to her plans, but she is BU to say that your plans are not more important than hers - unless she is also going to a one-off event that is restricted to that specific date, then I'm sorry, her plans could be changed, she is just choosing not to.
However, this whole "smug married" thing suggests that she's harbouring deep resentment that you are still with your DH and she and hers have split up, and that she's paying off a score somewhere, which is completely U.

As it is, it's not going to kill you to not go to the wedding, I think you and your DH are just going to have to suck it up and him go without you - but I certainly wouldn't be in any hurry to put myself out for your sister again after this. :(

OldFarticus · 17/05/2014 05:49

Sorry but I think YABU. Your sister's reaction ("smug married") suggests that either you had a go at her for not fitting in with your plans or there is previous between you that you are not telling us about. No way would I look after a PITA kid for 6 days for someone who didn't even have the courtesy to beg ask, family or not. Tbh it just sounds as though she doesn't like you much. But basically your child is your problem, not hers. And this is not a "child care emergency"...

SpottieDottie · 17/05/2014 05:53

Yabu, it's not really an emergency as nobody is in hospital etc. I can see it's frustrating though, sorry you won't be able to go.

Skygirls · 17/05/2014 06:39

If you want to go then you'll have to take your ds with you

Have you considered going a day later or so and on other flights and then connecting to the destination city? A different airline?
Eg. Flying to Chicago and then taking a domestic flight from there to where you need to be?

This is usually more flexible as far as getting a seat is concerned.
If this can be done, then you could get your DH to take the longer 'connecting flight' journey and you and ds take the direct flight, changing your names on the tickets?

Worth a shot if you really want to go.

My two cents worth is that it would be great if your sis could help, but she can't/won't. Not fair that you're cross with her, because your ds is your responsibility.

I would always fall back on myself first before asking anyone to look after my DCs, even if this means I stay home while DH goes.

Hope you manage to sort something out and not have a sisterly relationship broken over this.

Sirzy · 17/05/2014 06:43

So you don't want to take your son (fair enough)

You assumed someone else would look after him for nearly a week?

I would have said no to. I wouldn't look after someone's child for so long with them asking very nicely with no assumption involved.

To look after someone else's child for a week is a big ask, it's not only going to be a case of cancelling a weekend away (and why should she?) but changing around everything for the week to fit him in.

Morloth · 17/05/2014 06:43

If my sister phoned and said 'Hey, our childcare has fallen through, could you have dnephew for the week?' I would probably say Yes and adjust my little holiday to fit him in somehow.

If however it played out like it has in the OP my sister would cop a pretty similar mouthful to what the OP has.

saintlyjimjams · 17/05/2014 06:45

Agree with Thumbwitch. There seems to be some sort of resentment from your sister - it may be justified it may not. I think now it's best for you to cancel the trip & try & plan a special weekend for you & ds at home. See how you feel when she next asks you for a favour.

Incidentally my grandmother fell out with her sister because she refused to look after my mum & siblings when my gran went into hospital & so they all had to go into a children's home (my grandfather was in the navy) for a number of weeks/months during her treatment. She felt very strongly that she would never in any circumstances have allowed her sisters children to go into a children's home & never forgave her sister.

Whilst a trip to America is hardly the same thing I'll stick my neck out for you OP & say that if you would step in without thinking if the tables were turned it can be a shock to find the support is not reciprocated. However, given your sisters unwillingness to help it might be worth thinking about why - is she generally dumped on, does she take your son more than you return the favour, or is she just very jealous of you.

picnicbasketcase · 17/05/2014 06:59

I think YANBU to a certain extent. Like so many others have said, you should have asked, your mum shouldn't have assumed. But it sounds like she's determined to stick to her plans and has been quite unpleasant and bitter about the wedding and may well be doing it to make a point, especially seeing as how she doesn't care how much money has been wasted and her trip was free. If it was me, I would remember this for any future favours she might ask.

EduardoBarcelona · 17/05/2014 07:02

Think nows the time to tackle your kids behaviour. If no one wants to have him?! How's he going to manage at school

TobyLerone · 17/05/2014 07:02

YABU.

I wouldn't want to look after someone else's child for a week even if I'd nothing planned other than sitting on my arse.

I certainly wouldn't do it for someone who has the attitude that their plans are more important than mine.

Also, do people really say "smug married"?

Pastperfect · 17/05/2014 07:06

I have two sisters and would do this without hesitation and I know they would do the same for me.

Of course bil's wedding is more important than a recently booked random trip to see a friend - only on MN is a wedding reduced to status of the weekly shop.

I can't believe all those telling the OP how entitled she is would not step in to help their own sisters in similar circumstances or don't have sisters that would help them. If that is really true I'm sorry for you.

PiratePanda · 17/05/2014 07:06

Change your flight and fly with your sin

This is not a childcare emergency and YABU

PiratePanda · 17/05/2014 07:06

son, obvs!!!

MollyWhuppie · 17/05/2014 07:08

The OP's sister is a SINGLE parent!! Why should she have to look after the OP's naughty 3 year old for nearly a WEEK just because OP and her husband together don't feel they can deal with a long flight with him?!!

I have flown long haul by myself with two quite spirited under 4s and it was fine.

OP is the selfish one here.

Steben · 17/05/2014 07:09

If you were my sister I would change my plans - I don't think you are being unreasonable - have you asked her outright?

ComposHat · 17/05/2014 07:10

We actually didn't want to take him because we thought it wasn't fair to him. He's noisy, he's naughty but we love him but realise not everyone will find our child as charming as we do.

And that probably includes your sister op!

If someone just blithely assumed I'd like the company of their badly behaved child for a total of six nights, without doing me the courtesy of asking (or promising me the biggest Toblerone the airport duty free had to offer) they'd get extremely short shrift from me.

Alternatively if you'd approached your sister with 'really sorry to ask this, but is there any chance you could take little Damien whilst we are away? I know this is a huge imposition and I'll understand if you can't do it as you've been looking forward to your weekend away with your mate, but it is a huge deal for my husband and his brother. If it helps here's some money so that you and your friend can have a nice weekend away together as recompense for the missed trip.'

Odds are you'd have had a different response, it would have been a darn sight cheaper than whatever you manage to arrange now.

Tealady1983 · 17/05/2014 07:11

I am with the sister. Op has shown no respect for her sister or her plans by assuming she would just step in and her plans aren't as important. I would say no even I I was going to be sitting alone all weekend just to prove a point. Op sounds entitled and selfish also why would you leave a difficult toddler for 6 days with anyone grandparents or not 6 days is a long time to be without mummy.