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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
UncleT · 16/05/2014 23:24

Am I reading this right, you basically both just assumed she would help? YABU. It sucks, but she's actually done nothing wrong here.

Loopylala7 · 16/05/2014 23:24

Wow, some harsh comments. If either of my siblings were in this predicament, and my weekend away was a minor event with no large sums of money having been spent, I would offer to look after my DNs.

Of course your sister doesn't have to help out, but I feel it is rather mean of her not to offer. Smacks a bit of the green eyed monster to me, maybe she was jealous that you having a nice break away?

TequilaMockingbirdy · 16/05/2014 23:25

If it was the other way round I'd do it for her...

So if her childcare plans had fallen through, would you have cancelled this wedding trip?

UncleT · 16/05/2014 23:27

Huge assumption there Loopy. There's no evidence to suggest it's jealousy. Could be anything, we don't know their relationship.

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:27

I meant that if she had spent a lot of money on a weekend away, and if mine could be moved I'd help her!

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 16/05/2014 23:27

I guess for you and dh, siblings mean something. For your sister, not so much. Useful for you to know. Not much you can do.

FWIW, my parents did not come to my wedding ( and neither did my sister) as they were babysitting my sisters daughter as she was on a training course out of town.

strawberryangel · 16/05/2014 23:28

If I were your sister I'd change my plans. YANBU.

BrocanteHunter · 16/05/2014 23:28

Well, I think your sister is being selfish & unreasonable. She's not losing any money or anything, there's no reason she couldn't visit her friend another weekend when either you or your Mum could have her DS.

It's something you wont forget in a hurry.

Are you sure you couldn't ask a friend? I'd have a friends child, no bother, in this situation. In fact if it wasn't for my parents coming to stay from overseas I'd offer to have him (CRB checked, tons of refs etc).

Would you consider a nanny or anything? There are some lovely MNers who might be available if you would.

There's no way in hell I'd take a 3 year old on a long distance flight for a few days and to a wedding - recipie for disaster, I'd sooner stay home with him!

Canthisonebeused · 16/05/2014 23:28

Did you actually ask your sister before she managed to organise her plans? I get the feeling you just sat back and made a massive assumption that you sister would do this. You could have been more organised as soon as you found out and organised your self. That's what your sister managed to do.

strawberryangel · 16/05/2014 23:29

I can't believe posters are comparing a wedding of a very close friend with a random visit that can be taken any time! It doesn't compare.

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2014 23:29

Well, I'd be really disappointed too, and I'm pretty sure I would bear a grudge afterwards.

Going to your BiL wedding in the States is a pretty big thing. Unless the sister really, really can't get her friend to meet up another time (and you could always offer to have her DC when she does) I think she's being pretty mean.

And all of those saying it's not the sister's problem - well, no it isn't. But it's the sort of thing you do for family.

Isn't it?

CoffeeTea103 · 16/05/2014 23:29

Yanbu, my sisters or myself would do this for each other without even thinking twice. In fact we often make plans assuming that we can count in each other. It's so sad when sisters are not close. I guess you may have to stay behind, but remember your sister for helping you out.

UncleT · 16/05/2014 23:31

How do we know it's a 'random visit that can be taken any time'? What if there are specific plans and it's been arranged for a while? Just assuming she'd do it is at least a recipe for disaster.

missimperfect · 16/05/2014 23:31

Depends how you approached your sister and what her plans are - has she got things booked herself, meeting people she cant easily rearrange? Or could she have rearranged her plans for another time - did you offer to have her child for another weekend and to pay her expenses etc to make up for all the inconvenience? I can see that you cannot rearrange the BIL wedding so I guess it depends what her plans were and how easy she could have changed them.

Has she ever had your DS stay with her before for a long period of time? Maybe that is also a factor - he might be quite unhappy with her for 2 or 3 days.

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:32

We actually didn't want to take him because we thought it wasn't fair to him. He's noisy, he's naughty but we love him but realise not everyone will find our child as charming as we do. I don't want to put him through being confined to a small space on a plane or have to experience disapproving looks from other passengers.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 16/05/2014 23:32

It seems a shame that your DSis doesn't feel as if she wants to help out - of course she doesn't have to, but it's still a shame. You're not just driving up the road - this is an important wedding for you, and (presumably) it's costing you a lot of money. It would be nice to think that your sister would help out, given the circumstances Sad

I don't think there is anything much you can do sadly, other than just hope you can go standby - and I'm sure you won't forget her unwillingness to help (even though she doesn't have to etc etc) when she needs a big favour in future.

edamsavestheday · 16/05/2014 23:32

YY, you should have been straight onto your sister as soon as you heard from your mother that she was going to have to work and couldn't look after your ds. You just assumed your sister would step in, without actually bothering to ask her. Big mistake.

Wittsend13 · 16/05/2014 23:35

If I was your sister op, I'd cancel my weekend and help you out. I'd also expect my family to help me out when I'm in a situation and vice versa. Yanbu

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 23:35

Yabu.

It's not only her that would be disappointed to cancel her plans, but the friend she was seeing as well. What about her friends childcare plans? They might not be able to be moved that easily, there is a knock on effect.

I know that there have been many times when I've tried to arrange a get together with a friend that lives far away and normal living has meant we have to book three to four months in advance. That's why when we do get a date in the diary, we do our utmost to stick to it, because it's not just as simple as moving it to the next weekend.

Your mum shouldn't have told you that your sister would have your ds, and when she did, you shouldn't have been so reassured that you didn't think much about it. You should have called and asked her.

jacks365 · 16/05/2014 23:35

If I was your sister I would be pissed off at being taken for granted like that. You expected her to cancel her plans and look after your child but you couldn't find the time to say please.

EverythingCounts · 16/05/2014 23:36

Tricky. It is a shame she won't, but I can also see her side of it if it's a weekend away she's been looking forward to. Having said that if she's not with her son's dad anymore, surely she has other child-free weekends reasonably often? If that's the case then she is being tight.

Are there friends who could split the time with your mum? If her functions are all weekend ones, could someone else take your DS on, say, Saturday morning then return him to your mum Sunday evening? That spreads the load a bit for everyone.

SaucyJack · 16/05/2014 23:36

She might not have done anything wrong, but she certainly hasn't done anything right by you either.

Remember this one next time she wants a favour.

Loopylala7 · 16/05/2014 23:36

Canthisonebeused, her sisters DC will now be staying with his father which is a bit different from having to really search for a willing babysitter.

hoobypickypicky · 16/05/2014 23:37

"If it was the other way round I'd do it for her.."

But that's not the point, is it? She doesn't want to look after your child. She's found alternative care for her own child and is keeping to her original plans. She hasn't done anything to you!

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 23:38

I'm shocked that people are saying you would be in any way right to bear a grudge. Your sister has not let you down here, you didn't even ask her!