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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
fluffymouse · 17/05/2014 00:05

This sounds like a really rubbish situation. From what it sounds like there is no way you could bring ds on the flight with you, what about other childcare options. Emergency nanny? That will probably cost less than the flights you would be losing, making it 'worthwhile'.

Is there any other family/friends you could ask?

If you would be willing to go down the nanny route I'm sure some posters here could offer recommendations/pointers.

HarpyFishwifeTwat · 17/05/2014 00:07

I'm starting to like your sister

Jollyphonics · 17/05/2014 00:07

It sounds to me as if your sister is aware of, and resents, the assumption you made that she would step up when your mum wasn't able to. Perhaps if you'd asked her very nicely yourself she'd have said yes, but it doesn't sound as if you did. it sounds like her feelings about you and your family run deeper than just this episode. Was there already bad bpfeeli between you?

Loopylala7 · 17/05/2014 00:07

Well I think she's being selfish. Mind you with an attitude like that, would you want to subject your DC to her for nearly a week? Are there no friends you could ask instead?

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 17/05/2014 00:08

I did assume my sister would step in... and I now see I was wrong...

OP posts:
Canthisonebeused · 17/05/2014 00:10

That's assuming it's just catching up time loopy. I think there is more to the sisterly dynamics here. I think it's quite sad and somewhat smug of some people to assume a relatively inexpensive (to some) weekend away has less value than an overseas trip.

If I'm honest it would take a massive amount of planning and saving for me and many others to have a relatively inexpensive weekend away seeing as every penny is accounted for. It take me a while to set a side travel expenses, £20 for a meal out, a few bottles of wine, coffees out and contribute to food over the weekend.

Morloth · 17/05/2014 00:10

She is right. Your plans are not more important than hers.

That is the way it goes with kids sometimes.

You either get him on a flight or you can't go.

None of this is your sister's fault or problem.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 17/05/2014 00:10

So you assumed she was step in, didn't bother asking her and then get the hump when you find she has plans.

Well...

BrocanteHunter · 17/05/2014 00:10

Oh :(

She's not right, your plans are more important than hers, it's for your BIL's wedding, not just a visit to a mate.

She sounds very jealous of your relationship and determined not to help so that you can't go together. How long has her ex been her ex?

Jollyphonics · 17/05/2014 00:11

Yes OP, that was astoundingly selfish and self-centred. I am not at all surprised your sister has refused to help. I would be fuming if someone just took it for granted I would change my plans to facilitate theirs, without them even asking me. Very bizarre behaviour on your part.

WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 00:11

The sister is right.

It sounds like there could be many valid reasons why she doesn't want to look after her sisters not particularly well behaved three year old for six full days.

One of them is probably the lack of respect that is being shown to her need to have some quality time for herself with a friend.

Another could well be that she doesn't want her friend who probably is more considerate to be let down after she too has made plans.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/05/2014 00:11

Your sister sounds like a Mumsnetter.

?gin? for SissyFlossie

flixybelle · 17/05/2014 00:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My sister and I aren't close but if this situation occurred I would definitley cancel my plans for her. I have done it for a friend when her DD got chicken pox the day before a family wedding. However I recently posted on here about BIL and childcare and was told I was bu so I probably expect more than most people.

EverythingCounts · 17/05/2014 00:13

I think you have to accept that you won't be able to go. Do you have travel insurance and could you claim on that for your flight costs?

It would be interesting to know what level of childcare you and your sister have done for each other in the past.

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 17/05/2014 00:13

I have babysat my nephew before many times, and my sister has looked after my child. As many people have pointed out we are away for nearly a week and I don't think there's anyone outside family who I couldask to help.

My mum offered, I didn't ask. But I do realise I shouldn't have assumed my sister would step in without asking.

As to leaving my son with a stranger? Never. Anyway we couldn't afford to pay a nanny after all the expense we've gone to for the trip.

OP posts:
Canthisonebeused · 17/05/2014 00:14

Oh that would be exciting if she was. It could all kick off. I secretly hope sister is a mumsnetter and finds this thread Grin

BrocanteHunter · 17/05/2014 00:14

It was somewhat daft of you to assume she would do it and quite rude not to ask... however, I still think, given her comments the answer would have been fuck off no.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/05/2014 00:15

I can't get over that, to some posters on here, someone refusing to have to piss taken by a couple who have no consideration for her whatsoever is assumed to be jealousy.

PlantsAndFlowers · 17/05/2014 00:15

It sounds like your sister is resentful of your entitled attitude and had decided to teach you a lesson.

Has it worked?

HauntedNoddyCar · 17/05/2014 00:15

Start with the phone call that tells her you were wrong. As a proper apology and not with the agenda of hoping she will change her mind or feel guilty.

BackforGood · 17/05/2014 00:15

I'm really surprised by the replies on this thread.
I don't think YABU at all.
I think your sister is being very selfish. She can have this weekend with her friend at any time, but this is a once in a lifetime event for OP and her dh.
What does surprise me though is that you don't know anyone else who would help you out in the circumstances - is it that unusual for friends to step up and help each other out these days ? I know I'd help a friend out if I could in these circumstances - I think it would be terribly sad for you to have to miss your BiL's wedding.

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 17/05/2014 00:15

Although I think you should have asked your sister straight away, I do think she is being a bit mean. I know that in my family, my sisters (and sis-in laws) would help me out and vice versa.

A wedding is a very special once off occasion, where as I assume she could re-arrange her plans with her friend. Although maybe if she is a single parent, maybe she feels that she could not cope with both children for 6 days, sois using the weekend away as a cover.

WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 00:15

She's not right, your plans are more important than hers, it's for your BIL's wedding, not just a visit to a mate.

This is someone who probably isn't feeling that great about marriage right now considering she's a single mother, why should she see her brother in laws brothers wedding as more important than her own friend? Bearing in mind that the friend could be going through something in life that means she needs her friends around her too?

A wedding does not trump everything just because it's a wedding. Especially for someone who's being expected to cancel something she's been looking forward to for her sisters husbands brother, who probably isn't all that bothered whether his SIL is there or not.

QuintessentiallyQS · 17/05/2014 00:16

Actually yabu. 6 days & nights!

She did not arrange child care for her ien child, book a j

NatashaBee · 17/05/2014 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.