Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 17/05/2014 00:17

Actually yabu. 6 days & nights!

She did not arrange child care for her ien child, book a holiday to visit friends just to cancel and mind yours, because "as a lone parent she has nothing better to do"

ravenAK · 17/05/2014 00:18

Sorry, I'm with your sister, too. You were wrong to make the assumption.

I can see it's left you in a difficult position, but tbh you were very much at fault for not ringing your sister as soon as your mum explained she couldn't cover. If I'd been her & had two days of radio silence from you, just assuming that I'd be cancelling my plans & looking after your 'naughty' toddler for 6 days without so much as a courtesy phone call, I'd not be rushing to rescue you, either.

EverythingCounts · 17/05/2014 00:19

In that case, OP, I would email or text her and say 'I understand now, I shouldn't have presumed on you. Fair enough. Can we put it behind us?' Maybe making a peace offering might actually help the situation. It's not as if she is going to change her mind the more she is moaned at, and it would be a shame to spoil your relationship long-term.

If you're on the standby list for flights, then there's still a chance something may come up. It's worth checking whether insurance would cover it too if you haven't already. Or keep asking about other flights the same day(ish) in case a seat comes up and you could transfer to one of those?

Joules68 · 17/05/2014 00:19

She's a single parent... She shouldn't be expected to parent alone all week and then have all that on top!

Yabu!

WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 00:19

She can have this weekend with her friend at any time

How do you know that?

Do you have some insight into the sisters life and the friends life that the rest of us can't see?

It says in the OP that the sister has been wanting to do this trip for a long time.

allisgood1 · 17/05/2014 00:20

YABU to your sister. And you have a really poor excuse for not taking your son.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/05/2014 00:23

OP you could have just avoided this whole thong if you could be arsed to handle your child on a plane.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 17/05/2014 00:24

YANBU and I would look after a toddler for a relative in this situation, no question. In my book, that's what families do. The wedding is a one off.

I feel really sorry for your mum OP. What a horrible position to be in. And her employer sounds crap quite frankly. What if your mum had had a trip away booked?

Jollyphonics · 17/05/2014 00:25

I think most people, on hearing that mum couldn't do it after all, would have been straight on the phone to sister saying "what a nightmare about Mum, I'm sorry your plans have been disrupted too, and poor Mum as well. I know it's a lot to ask, but is there any possibility you could help out, I'd be massively grateful and I'd owe you one". I bet if you'd done that she'd have said yes. What were you thinking, just getting on with life and assuming it would all fall neatly into your lap?

brdgrl · 17/05/2014 00:27

It is clear that your son is, even by your own admission, badly behaved.

I think it's probably relevant. I would, perhaps reluctantly, change my plans like this to look after the kids of two of my three sisters. I wouldn't do it to look after my other sister's kid, though - he is, frankly, exhausting and over-indulged.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2014 00:30

I know you have accepted that you shouldn't have assumed, but goodness gracious, - you just assumed your sister would look after your pita son for a week, a week she was for to be on holiday?!? That beggars belief. It sounds line you think the world should revolve around you. Your sister us right.
Also, whilst your dh should go, he still can, and I don't think you have mentioned whether you too are good friends with the couple to be. It's completely ott to use words like heartbroken, devasted etc so he goes on his own, never mind.

VeryStressedMum · 17/05/2014 00:31

Sounds like you didn't actually speak to her to ask her or check if she could do it after your mum said she couldn't do it as you said a few days after you'd down to your mum your sister announced....
As soon as you'd put the phone down to your mum your should have been on the phone to your sister.

Gennz · 17/05/2014 00:31

What jollyphonics said

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 17/05/2014 00:36

I don't have children, but I do have a lot of sisters and nieces and nephews.

I would be royally pissed off if any of them assumed I would care for anyone them at the drop of a hat.

On the other hand, none of them would assume. Mutual respect.

So on the basis of my experience is there more to this?
I mean if I heard of one of my sibs being in this situation I would do what I could to help including flying home to our home country.

Just to pop my halo, there is one of my sisters that I would happily babysit for on the basis that she and I had to spend no more that 45 minutes in her company.

So if you've not asked outright YABU

Tinkerball · 17/05/2014 00:38

I can't get my head round why you assumed sister would help and didn't even bother to ask! How entitled!

whatchatalkinboutwillis · 17/05/2014 00:39

You don't want to put yourselves through a 10 hour flight with your 3 year old but you assume that your sister will be happy to have him for 6 days?.. YABU.

brdgrl · 17/05/2014 00:42

YA also BU for this:
I don't want to put him through being confined to a small space on a plane or have to experience disapproving looks from other passengers.

You think he'll act up on the flight, but your concerns are for him (being confined) and yourself (having to be looked at)...not the other passengers. Telling.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2014 00:45

I think you're looking at this too simplistically - Which is the more important holiday ' and rightly coming up with your own.
But you're forgetting to factor in that you neglected to ask your sister for this massive favour, that she had a holiday booked too, that your dh can still go on his own etc etc

mellicauli · 17/05/2014 00:57

You might want to have a long hard think about the past and wonder if you gave your sister the support she needed. Sounds like payback to me.

Take your son on the trip. It's only 10-12 hours. It won't be as bad as childbirth and you got through that! (I took my son to New Zealand when he was 3 and he loved it).

brdgrl · 17/05/2014 01:05

But if you do get on standby and take your son, what are you planning to do with him in America?
Surely not take him to the wedding?

mimishimmi · 17/05/2014 01:13

Perhaps your sister could do the trip at any time but could her friend? Since she hasn't seen her friend for a long time perhaps there is a reason - friend works on weekends a lot, has to look after elderly parents etc. also, Does your sister work? What would she do with your ds on the weekdays involved or were you expecting that she would take holiday leave too? That said, some posters are being a bit harsh with the assumption thing, you only assumed for a couple of days since learning your mum coukd no do it that she would step in ... it's not like you've left it to the last minute. Is there any chance her ex might be willing to take on both boys for a couple of days for less than you'd pay for a nanny?

LizLimone · 17/05/2014 01:14

Hmm... I think you are both being unreasonable. From your last post with the 'smug married' comment she clearly has some jealousy / insecurity about your marriage still being intact. Maybe she is fed up of being a single parent who never gets a break but it's not fair of her to take that out on you.

On the other hand, you were wrong not to ask her explicitly if she could take your DS and be grateful that she is doing you a favor. You made an assumption that she would have nothing else to do so that would have offended her especially if she's already sore about being a lone parent.

Just one of those things and not much you can do other than take DS with you or stay home yourself.

NaughtySpottyBengalCat · 17/05/2014 01:22

I agree with brgrl - you don't seem worried about the other passengers, only your son being restricted and/or criticised, which is very telling as regards your sons poor behaviour and why there is no one else who will take him.

Given you assumed your sister would be able to take him for a week, leads me to assume she is not working. A single parent not working is almost certainly strapped for cash and she may be desperate for a break. It may be just as inconvenient for her to cancel - her friend may have booked time off work, they may have booked and paid for activities which may be non refundable etc etc.

I would phone/go to see your sister and give her a sincere apology for taking her so much for granted. If it is genuinely easy for her to cancel she may accept your apology and offer to take him (though don't count on it). She deserves her holiday as much as you do.

HerRoyalNotness · 17/05/2014 01:28

So your sister is happy for you to lose say a thousand pounds because she can't be flexible for a weekend IN the UK? Could you offer to haver her DS for the following weekend so she can go then instead? Pay her?? Could her x, as your DSs uncle, have him too, along with his own son?

I really feel for you and if you were my sister would cancel a weekend away to help out. You can pick your friends .....

PatrickStarisabadbellend · 17/05/2014 01:34

Is this actually real? It all sounds very far fetched.

If it is yabu.