Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

[FlossieLondon]

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

It's difficult to compare the both in terms value and an overseas wedding of a close friend or a trip up the rods to see a close friend. For some the trip up the road to see a close friend could have the very similar if not greater value depending on the circumstances. I don't think it's a clear cut that the OPs need out weights the sisters at all.

Also it's a one off situation, a close family wedding, and your DH is best man - I think your sister is being really mean.

Could you find your Mum a sous chef through MN in time?

Agree, a wedding isn't really a childcare emergency. Yabu expecting your sister to look after your difficult dc for several days rather than go away and have a relaxing weekend herself.

But you dont have childcare, so you need to do something about it.

Not your sister.

Seriously, why all this cursory assumption that the sister's plans are so completely unimportant?? There are so many potential reasons why that may not be the case.

You just assumed she would look after a noisy , naughty 3 year old for SIX days?
From the sound of it you didn't even ask her directly?
I think YABU even if the sister had no particular plans

This IS a big favour you are asking, you really should have asked her very nicely, told her how much you would appreciate it etc

I think she feels taken for granted

Also, this isn't a weekend away as in your going off on Friday night and coming back on Sunday afternoon.

The wedding trip is from Tuesday until Thursday, and considering the travel time, it's likely to be an early departure and late arrival.

That's almost a week! Are you asking your sister to just do the weekend and have your mum work the days around it, or are you thinking your sister should look after your son for the whole time?

That's what I'm thinking madonna, possibly this is sisters stance to standing up to OP.

While I agree with the general MN sentiment that childcare is the parents' problem, I can't help but feel that your sister IBU. It's not that you didn't make any plans - the perfectly reasonable plans that you had fell apart. Your sister is being an idiot by not realising that this is the sort of thing that damages relationships. I'd definitely cancel my plans, if I was your sister and I think that would be the normal, reasonable response of most people.

I'd love to read the AIBU from the sisters POV.

No my mum has a room she can stay over in when it is really busy at work. None of the staff can have kids in the accommodation there, that's in their contracts. She will be working all over the time I am away - it is really busy and I can't ask her to go to her own home to take care of our son in the little free time she has. They are under a lot of pressure which is why her sous chef buckled and walked.

But sue you are assuming sisters circumstances are the same as yours, maybe this is a long awaited and long saved up for trip for the sister and the only opportunity of any sort of holiday or break for some time.

Well I don't know about any of your financial situations, but personally, if as a family we had outlaid several hundred pounds on long haul flights, not to mention cost of hotel for a few nights and new outfits, this would really eat into our budget, and we would have to save and go without many things to do it. So if this is OP's situation? is it OP? I would be very upset that my sister, who from what I can tell through what OP has written is going to stay with a friend for a weekend and has not spent a bean. Could your sister not invite the friend to stay with her and still have your DC?

What does your sister have going on on the weekdays that you had planned to be away?

Why didn't you ask your sister, OP? Once it fell through with your mum you should have been making alternative plans.

Yes Loopylala7 this is the situation. We're not losing all the money because my husband will be going and will be using the booked accommodation and taking the flight, but we will lose the amount paid for my flight - we've already looked into that.

I've just come off the phone to my sister and I'll quote what she said. "You're a smug married with the 'takes a village' attitude that all you smug marrieds have when it suits you, and your plans aren't more important that mine."

She's right.

Mumontheroad, if my sisters plans were an expensive trip to the states for a close family wedding, and my plans were a weekend away with a mate, I would offer to cancel. I would then perhaps ask my sister to look after my DC on another weekend so I could take that trip in the near future. Unfortunately for OP, she can't ask her brother in law to reschedule their wedding to another weekend, but you could ask a friend to rearrange a weekend away if it was just for catching up time.

YABU

I would not want to look after someone's child who doesn't behave well family or not. Plans or no plans. You don't think he can behave well enough to go to a wedding but want to leave him without immediate family to go out the country.

Have you thought how she might feel...I am guessing a single parent , so you have the happy marriage, the money to go on trips abroad, and she could cancel because she can't afford a fancy trip her life is less important.

OP, you've ignored many of the questions that have been put to you. Which makes me think you probably did assume your sister would step in, rather than asking her. If that's the case and this is typical of you, I can understand why your sister might feel you've gone too far. Six full days of someone else's naughty toddler!! Who knows what she has going on in her life or how much she might need this time away. Especially as a mum on her own. And your mum being 'heartbroken' is overdone. She would probably be a lot happier if you stopped being such a drama queen about it. She's the one I feel sorry for. The bigger picture is the long-term relationship in the family. I would imagine this is what your mum is heartbroken over and this you can control. Apologise to your sister for assuming she'd drop everything, without even asking. Explain why you're hurt and ask if she's hurt. Ask if she feels taken for granted and tell her you care. Offer to change if necessary. Ask if you can find a way forward that will bring your mum some peace of mind. And accept that nobody else is responsible for your child.

I'm afraid she right OP