To hate and loathe "buzz words" and want the users to receive penal punishment

[frizzcat]

You know the people I'm talking about, always talking about "blue sky thinking".
Or instead of saying they need to contact someone they say "oh I need to reach out to Jeffrey"

Then you have the people who just take it too far and start using bastard buzz words outside of work. A friend mine told me "you know Frizz you really should reach out to A N Other, they'd really love to hear from you".

IT'S TALK FFS - not "reach out" they're not falling off Everest.

So what's the most annoying bastard buzz words you've heard

Oh god yes S.M.A.R.T - thing is most of the targets they then go on to set aren't

Mine are -

"Wow factor" Stabby stabby stab stab
"Quick win"
"Engaging with"
"Hard to reach groups" - Nike and Lambert and Butler dont have "Hard to reach groups"

We also have "Cascade" - we refer to it as the "Crap Cascade" things which usually start off with the Chief Exec not wanting to do them, down through the Directors, down past the senior managers and landing on us.

granularity. As in, 'let's break this project down to the right level of granularity'.

You couldn't just take it in wee bits, no?

you need to start playing 'Lingo Bingo' - makes meetings much more fun

Lots of my clients are HR professionals and they sound like they've swallowed a bullshit dictionary. Worst though was my recent conversation with DS's head teacher about DS's disrespectful attitude. Lots of references to 'student -oriented outcomes" and the like. I did refrain from disrespectfully asking if she'd been on a course recently.

In addition to all the horrendous corporatespeak, what about all the rage-inducing words related to raising children? Beginning with "parenting" and "to parent."

I also give you:

co-parenting
baby-led weaning
baby-wearing
age-appropriate (for some reason this one really sets my teeth on edge)

Elk don't forget primary carer

Oh, yes, primary carer is a good one. Also child-friendly.

In box. As in "I will in box you". Please don't. I'd much rather you sent me a message.

I had a friend who used to "touch base" with me. I couldn't get the image of her trying to touch my bum out of my head. Urghh.

On my office people frequently say 'we should socialise that document with such and such.

ER, you mean present it to them?

To go slight'off topic' people in religious settings who over use the word 'just' in prayers drive me to distraction.

'dear Lord, we just want to thank you for xxx'

It makes me feel all grumpy.

Oh, curate drives me wild. Everyone is always curating now. The trouble with using language like this is that it's hard to remember what normal people used to say instead.

I keep a window open with the Plain English Campaign's list of plain words - very soothing.

I may need to take myself off and have a problem solve now

"agile working" meaning we are going to sell off all our local authority offices and make you work from home

This is slightly off topic but can I interject with the present tense in History Documentaries. It doesn't make it more interesting, it make you sound like an arse.

"Download" used in relation to people eg "I need see X to download on that" Argh we are not bloody computers! This makes me want to scream very loudly.

Can I just lob a thought grenade in any say how much I hate the word crafting - as in 'I spent l yesterday afternoon crafting a document'. No you didn't, your wrote it.

Agree with whoever hates 'granularity'. I'll also hate 'deep dive' and 'performance culture'

Going forward. Yes hate it.
Not in my gift. Meaning don't have the authority for that.
Our offer. Applied to everything.

Ugh hate corporate speak.

Weather event. What??

Also 'Lessons Must Be Learned'. I always know when that one gets trotted out it'll be the last thing happening.

Hearts and Minds

Well, a proactive and dynamic approach should be used to achieve customer-based excellence. Let's touch base next week and see how we can fit this revolutionary strategic-partnership into our current framework.

Lessons must be learned = our PI supplier has just given us a bollocking.

One I do actually love is "run it up the flagpole and see if it flaps!"

I quite like 'poke it in the arse, see if it farts' as a crude alternative.

I had a manager who used to say 'how can we unpack this?' 'How do we unpeel this onion?' complete with head tilt.

Used to make me want to nut her and she was actually very nice.

I would love somebody try to introduce the following:- "Hats!. People...we aren't wearing enough hats, we have to wear hats to get fermenting these free ranging purple low hanging fruits into the open blue sky". Just to see how far it spreads (evil ).

Or you could see how many "Newspeak" words & phrases you can fit in instead.?

I quite like shit sandwich

'Lets take this offline' really winds me up!
As does 'close of play' which has already been mentioned.
'Can you action this.' Yes I can certainly DO that for you.

Gifted, too. Not gifted as in gifted and talented, but gifted as in gifted silk pillowcases. Wtf's wrong with 'given'?