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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oooooo she's very pretty - fuck off

416 replies

Putthenerfdown · 12/05/2014 11:19

NC for this and in no way a stealth boast.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this about myself.

Met DPs family for the first time. We went for dinner and I was polite, we had an interesting discussion about the elections, I talked to his mum about books, we had a good time. I sent a nice text the next day thanking them for paying for the meal.

DP spoke to them today. I asked him if they had a good time "yes they enjoyed it, they said how pretty you are". Um ok...anything else "no just that your pretty oh and my DM thinks your very slim"

Which is lovely. Unless your bored of bring pretty or having a nice figure. And yes I TOTALLY know how this reads (like I'm a conceited bitch). But I've heard this for years and just once it would be nice to be funny or clever or kind or interesting and not yes she's got good genes.

AIBU and should shut up or not? DP doesn't see the problem "but you are pretty" was his reply.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 07:09

Nooo, don't stop making the best of yourself if it makes you feel good

But be gracious about the compliments, this is all I am saying

Op met these people for the first time and is now seethingly angry that they expressed admiration for her appearance. They sound like nice people, trying to make their son feel happy in his choice. I just don't get the vitriol towards them...or anybody else

Be gracious. Is that so hard ?

I GET all the other stuff, btw about being judged purely on looks. I am looking at this from an individual viewpoint. Be nice if other people are being nice in the only way they know how. Op has judged and immediately written off this couple. It is unlikely that, if they pick up her contempt for them, they will ever see her as anything other than a pretty but rather nasty person. So...would that be a better result ?

Only1scoop · 13/05/2014 07:20

Ooooooo she's very pretty - fuck off

To be honest the title isn't grabbing me as someone who is articulate and intelligent..... eloquent etc....First impressions do count.

I also think they are probably lovely people who'd be horrified to see how reactive you are to a complimentary comment.

kinsorange · 13/05/2014 07:47

I do care that at the age of 11 winning a reading competition the best my mother could come up with was 'pretty

Ah. There may be the essence of the problem.
I am guessing that the relationship with your mum is not good?

[though I will stick by my original comment and say thatPutthenerfdown can do something about the pretty comments right now. And solve it if she wants to. She can buy bad choices in clothes, and do something not very good with her hair eg get a hair cut that doesnt suit her.I think then that the pretty remarks will stop pretty sharpish]

AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 07:59

I think my solution is the best.

Yes, I am taking compliments graciously

Bring 'em on...

PaulinesPen · 13/05/2014 08:26
AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 08:27

Oi, Pauline, yoo hooooo, over 'ere.....

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/05/2014 08:37

Hey Pauline, I am excellent at taking a compliment. I can even see the good in backhanded ones Grin

PaulinesPen · 13/05/2014 08:39

I must say AF you're looking spiffing this morning. Are you wearing a new frock? Grin

AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 08:40

You noticed ? This old thing ?, I just threw it on Smile

PaulinesPen · 13/05/2014 08:43

Yes you're positively glowing. In an intelligent, non appearance related and yet yet strangely alluring kind of way.

CoteDAzur · 13/05/2014 08:45

Ooh poor you, OP. Huge sympathies.

Look on the bright side: Time will solve this problem for you. In 20 years or so, all you have left will be your brains & wit.

If you don't want to wait that long, you can always eat loads of pasta & ice cream over several months and put on several stones. That should shut up the mean fuckers who call you 'pretty'.

struggling100 · 13/05/2014 08:45

I think people are being a bit harsh here. What the OP is saying is that she'd like to be assessed as a person who was MORE than her looks. While I think that BF's parents probably meant very well, I do think it's a bit reductive to comment solely on appearance, and it does have a bit of a horrible ring of 'Get in there, lad, she's a corker!' (ugh!)

Imagine a top male lawyer, scintillatingly bright, well rounded educationally, working on some really interesting cases, meeting the inlaws, and the ONLY comment being 'Ooooh, he's soooo handsome!' I doubt it would happen, I really do. Yet it's OK for women to be reduced to this?

ApoqA · 13/05/2014 08:52

My sons wind me up when I tell my daughters they are beautiful but I haven't worked out a better alternative. I can't not tell them they are beautiful. I can't win can I Hmm

Of course, I compliment ALL my children on ALL their attributes particularly kindness, perseverance type ones.

eightyearsonhere · 13/05/2014 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/05/2014 09:02

Great post eightyears - hopefully they're very proud of both of you really. Are you twins?

drinkingtea · 13/05/2014 09:05

It is an issue... women being judged on their appearance above all else, and for the most part other women are the worst culprits, when its in a non sexual context at any rate.

If my mother mentions having bumped into somebody I went to school with, or one of my old teachers, I'll ask "Oh, what's she up to?" and my mother will absolutely always and without fail reply in terms of what she looks like "She's lost weight" or "She's looking old, not fat but so grey" or "she's really let herself go" some such drivel... I didn't ask "Oh, does she still look the same as she did 25 years ago?" She will always have chatted to the person, but to find out what they actually said (she lives in such a place now, has such and such a job/ business, has retired, married/ divorced, has x number of kids now or even has been widowed, is ill or whatever) the conversation has to move past my mother's judgement on the woman's physical appearance, with heavy emphasis on weight...Hmm Sad

The specific example the OP gave does sound mean spirited - maybe she's one in a long line of girlfriends and the parents cba really getting to know her until they see if she's going to last :o or maybe they are just people who don't really think about what they are saying and just wanted to convey a bland positive... you can't really expect to be admired for your wonderful character (if you have one) by people you've just met, and generally it is hard to judge and be impressed by intelligence over dinner, unless the person you were talking to was very hard work and earnest and a bit socially inept and treated dinner like a PhD viva... However if the new acquaintance wasn't remotely pretty maybe the positive comment would have been about the interesting conversation! :o

The example about the OP's children was emphasising that the boy is always complimented on stereotypically "male" attributes and the girls on looks - not the OP accidentally judging her DC that way without noticing.

I agree people who look as if they have put in a lot of work on their appearance get complimented because subconsciously people assume that's what they want - if a little girl comes up to you and does a twirl in her party dress you tell her she's pretty, or that it's a lovely dress, if she comes up and shows you a drawing you tell her she's good at drawing, or that it is a good drawing, if she wants to show you how well she can climb you compliment her on that, etc. Its normal to comment on what you think people take pride in, if you are trying to be nice, and if the person in front of you looks as if they spent hours on their appearance, and you have just met them and want to be nice about them, you may well compliment them on it somehow, even if underneath all the work they aren't actually pretty :o

Somepercentagenotcool · 13/05/2014 09:06

I'm with the others who said that maybe you weren't as intellectual and interesting as you thought you were!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/05/2014 09:06

Oh sorry, you already said, you are twins - so perfect for such a controlled social experiment!

CoteDAzur · 13/05/2014 09:08

Surely, each is an individual case with different people in question - You and your parents are not the same people as OP and her DP's parents.

Maybe your case does indeed show that your parents are biased towards their two children and yours may very well be a feminist issue.

And maybe OP simply isn't so exceedingly intellectual that perfect strangers would comment on her brains after a first encounter. Maybe she grooms herself to perfection and that is why the 1st impression she gives is just... "pretty".

You can't say it's always a feminist issue.

kinsorange · 13/05/2014 09:10

struggling. But then all she had to say was, I am pretty, but want people to get past my looks.
But if she seriously wants people to judge her for MORE than her looks, she is going to physically have to do something to put her looks down. Quite easily achievable.

kinsorange · 13/05/2014 09:11

In other words, she is going to have to stop relying on her looks as well.

HercShipwright · 13/05/2014 09:17

For all we know, the PiLs did comment on the OPs extreme braininess and erudition. And it's just the DP who reduced her to her looks. If that was the case it would be a feminist issue. Since the OP took care to make it very clear to us that this is all that ever happens, nobody ever comments on her braininess, wit etc, it's not unreasonable to wonder if there is in fact a non sexist reason for this.

I don't think women should only ever be complimented on their looks. I don't think they should necessarily accept appearance based compliments as nice, either - context is everything. I do think that people shouldn't expect to be complimented for their brains wit and accomplishments if these aren't actually apparent. Or in existence. Compliments should be earned. Otherwise they are meaningless. And then you descend into the 'little woman, look she can walk and talk at the same time how amazing given she has most of her mind devoted to kittens' mentality. I don't want patronising or unearned compliments. I don't want them to become the norm either - that would diminish everyone.

shakethetree · 13/05/2014 09:34

Genuinely beautiful women would never put 'fuck off' in their thread title - you may well be pretty, but not in a Kate Middleton way.

FourForksAche · 13/05/2014 09:53

Grin shakethetree!

bakingaddict · 13/05/2014 09:56

Sorry to be harsh but if 90% of your work colleagues could only find a banal adjective like pretty and slim to describe you then perhaps you need to think about what kind of signals you are giving out. How long have you worked with them that they can only think of you in this way?

I don't mean sabotaging your looks and style for the sake of others but I also work with a few pretty woman and their looks in the workplace is not the first thing that jumps out about them