Oooooo she's very pretty - fuck off

[Putthenerfdown]

NC for this and in no way a stealth boast.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this about myself.

Met DPs family for the first time. We went for dinner and I was polite, we had an interesting discussion about the elections, I talked to his mum about books, we had a good time. I sent a nice text the next day thanking them for paying for the meal.

DP spoke to them today. I asked him if they had a good time "yes they enjoyed it, they said how pretty you are". Um ok...anything else "no just that your pretty oh and my DM thinks your very slim"

Which is lovely. Unless your bored of bring pretty or having a nice figure. And yes I TOTALLY know how this reads (like I'm a conceited bitch). But I've heard this for years and just once it would be nice to be funny or clever or kind or interesting and not yes she's got good genes.

AIBU and should shut up or not? DP doesn't see the problem "but you are pretty" was his reply.

Why don't we swap OP, I get comments on my great SOH, my quick wit and my brains and my sarcasm and I can't think of anyone ever commenting on my great beauty. Well, DH does daily so that's what matters cos I hypnotised him

I'll tell you what's hostile - about 50% of the posts on this thread.

I've been impressed at op's restraint.

If for 'years and years' I had been getting a response from other people that I didn't like, I think I would start to question what I was bringing to the party.

On my first meeting with MIL, she exclaimed, "oh my, you're going to have beautiful children!" And we did. My boys' are GORGEOUS, far prettier than I. IMO.

I can't judge your prettiness or not without a pic OP, nor would I want too. I admire good looking people, not in a jealous way only sometimes but more, wow, they're goodlooking and lovely to look at way.... I also greatly admire people who achieve intellectually and physically, but if I just meet someone, or see them in passing, I wouldn't know this aspect of them, or their personality. So looks first, the filling later.

YANBU OP, women are continually judged on their looks above everything else. And as for some of the comments on here, well quite. I think they prove the point really don't they.

Well there you go op, you are not just a pretty face.

you are a restrained pretty face.

your work is done.

tillie I NEVER get comments on my great hypnotism skills I have no hypnotism skills It's not fair

Haven't read the whole thread but think YANBU at all, esp as it's obv a sore spot. Obviously better than the only comments being negative about your looks but, as you aren't a show pony, it's only fair to hope/expect that your non-physical attributes and achievements be noted. It's certainly important to me to be more than what can captured in a photograph.

Spero Yup. If I participated in 'a team exercise thing' where I had to 'write down things' about my colleagues, and they had to 'write down things' about me and 90% of their comments were about my looks I'd be concerned about keeping my job.

I remember all I wanted to hear was I was pretty. Then I got pretty. Now all I want to hear is I am a nice person. Being pretty is much these days, everyone is pretty thanks to cosmetics etc. I think it is much nicer to hear a compliment on another attribute.

Isnt*

Sorry, can't comment without "proof of prettiness". Pic on here now please.

Without having read all the comments, I understand totally where you are coming from, though not from experience I might add, but yes, this is supposed to be the highest accolade for a woman, totally nuts!

Here in Mexico City, people think that a beautiful looking woman should only go out with a suitably handsome man. My daughter's first boyfriend was ugly by Mexican standards and the amount of criticism she got for that. As if looks were enough to base a relationship on.

"prettiness" is subjective and also irrelevant. the post is about frustration at being valued by appearance. What she actually looks like doesn't matter, it's how she's judged and perceived that is upsetting the op.

I logged off earlier and kind of hoped this thread would die a quiet death.

No I wasn't hoping for great accolades, but occasionally it would be nice to hear something about yourself other than 'pretty'.

At no point have I said how amazingly beautiful and slim and Helen of Troy like I am. I neither think that or could care less.

I do care that at the age of 11 winning a reading competition the best my mother could come up with was 'pretty'. I care that after getting a promotion I worked bloody hard for that people insinuated I was given it because the boss fancied me.

How many people on this thread could honestly say that they would be happy after going to a party or dinner where they hoped to make a good impression and later being told that the sum total of your impression was "you've got nice hair".

But naturally I must actually be boring or stupid or dull because shock horror I wasn't giddy that someone thought me pretty.

Of course I would be majorly pissed off if after I have made a brilliant speech, all people can say is 'nice hair'.

But you see, they wouldn't because my speech would be ace.

And my hair is shit.

What troubles me is you say this has been an issue for so long. rather than turning your ire and frustration on others for not noticing your other qualities, maybe try to bring your other qualities more to the fore?

I think this is a really interesting thread.

Of course it's disappointing and frustrating to be reduced to looks time and time again, rather than praised for our accomplishments.

But you've been attacked as ungrateful/vain, OP - unfairly - in a way that reflects how fucking hard it is for us, as women, to let go of the dominance of the male gaze.

And obviously I didn't say fuck off to DP or my mother. I smiled and said "ah that's nice"

This thread is interesting for me for other reasons. I am not a slave to the male gaze and I don't think any points I have made indicate that.

There are other issues at play here.

A lot of people on this thread are being really horrible. Don't get it. Are they jealous?

Things - well, I can only speak for myself. I am not jealous. But I am having one of those days, thinking about the Nigerian school girls, watching a client lose yet another child...

and thinking a bit of perspective is not a bad thing in life.

Of course the op can moan about whatever she likes. I appreciate it must be frustrating for people to see you as a pretty face and nothing else.

But she appears to be turning the blame entirely on others. I don't think that is fair, not if she has been having this problem for 'years and years'.

But apparently to express this makes me a raging misogynist, in thrall to the tyranny of the male gaze.

Snort.

A promotion is a real attribute. Winning something based on intelligence and hard work is a real achievement. Having 3 lovely intelligent kids is an attribute. Keeping my figure isn't. Although that's the response I usually get.

But naturally that's because my kids must be horrible little sods?