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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:

OwlCapone · 12/05/2014 10:31

They have specifically asked you not to tell your partners. They are covered by "don't tell anyone."

DeWee · 12/05/2014 10:32

I think that is one of the cases that some people will assume by not telling anyone their partner doesn't count.
I would say if it's something really important no one knows you say "please don't tell anyone including Mr Op".

I don't feel I have to tell dh everything. He's not a gossip, and I know if I told him something confidential, this is as far as it would go. However there are times when I don't think it's appropriate to tell him things, so I don't.

But there has also been once or twice in my life where a friend has told me something that is big and has upset me, particularly if they're asking me for advice. Then in those cases I have sometimes needed to talk through it. I haven't told dh who it is (though he could probably guess) and sometimes changed details, but I have needed to talk it through to get my head around it. if they had specifically told me not to tell anyone then I wouldn't though.

Brummiegirl15 · 12/05/2014 10:33

I have to say, I'd probably definitely tell my DP - we tell each other everything as I don't believe in keeping things from him. Which means I probably tell him some really mundane stuff he doesn't even care about.

However I would say don't you say anything, and then if I found out he had - there would be big trouble!!!!

morethanacondiment · 12/05/2014 10:33

I'm a bit bemused by all these people telling "secrets" to their friends I'm intrigued by what they might be, especially for people who are married and already have someone to offload secrets on...if you honestly need something to be kept quiet, why would you leak it out to people?

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 12/05/2014 10:37

Asking someone to keep a confidence is in no way the same as being asked to keep a secret from your spouse. I'm pretty amazed at the number of people who think like that.

OwlCapone · 12/05/2014 10:42

If you need to tell your partner, ask the person concerned whether that's OK. They made their initial wishes clear when they said not to tell anyone.

StarDustInTheWind · 12/05/2014 10:45

whenever anyone starts up "Don't tell anyone ..but....."

I just tell them not to tell me -

I am not getting all worked up keeping other people's secrets - if it is secret or to be kept in confidence - do so,

don't rope me in as someone you can blame if it all comes out....

I'm married, I chat to my hubby and I'm not keeping stuff compartmentalised as "Don't tell him that" "oh, that's ok to tell him" "she said don't tell anyone.... does that, or does that not include hubby"

Stuff that - just keep your stuff to yourself I don't want to know or be given the responsibility.......

And I HAVE worked in a job that I could not talk about, and did not talk about - there was NO ambiguity or even daily chit-chat about it there.

PenelopeLane · 12/05/2014 10:48

I was made aware once of a close friend having told her DH something I'd told her in confidence. I felt quite embarrassed about it tbh as it was personal in a possible TMI kind of way and the only thing you'd tell someone you were very close with. I didn't say anything to my friend, but haven't told her anything personal since!

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 10:51

I'm always shocked by the people who pass on secrets to their partners.

I'm not 'half of a couple'. I'm a separate individual with a partner. I'm sure he has stuff he hasn't passed on to me. That's absolutely fine.

bakingaddict · 12/05/2014 10:52

Well my friend confides in me about her red-hot affair with a toy-boy lover and how now at nearly 50 she has become a new sexually liberated woman with him. Gosh some of the stories she tells me have me completely in giggles as i'm just your bog-standard regular mum too knackered and worn-out to even have sex with my own DH.

I do laugh with DH about her antics but as I said before he doesn't see my friend socially.

squoosh · 12/05/2014 10:56

People who just have to tell their partner things told to them in confidence are pathetic.

Poosnu · 12/05/2014 11:04

I would have told my DH (depending on what it was), but would not have expected him to let on that he knew. When confiding in friends I also work on the assumption that it will be shared with their spouse.

Sparklingbrook · 12/05/2014 11:06

So is it usual to come back from meeting a friend to tell your DH everything that was said?

BumPotato · 12/05/2014 11:07

Someone I know won money, not just money but a fucking fortune. Enough that if it was out, she'd get hassle, maybe even press attention. She swore me to secrecy, but I have told DH. He'll not mention it to anyone. None of his friends even know the person.

If you have a secret and want absolutely no one to know, keep it to yourself.

I definitely wouldn't tell DH a TMI secret. He doesn't want to hear about a friend's piles or prolapse.

Catsize · 12/05/2014 11:09

This really bugs me. 'Don't tell anyone' means 'don't tell ANYONE'.
I respect that and expect others to do the same, but I know my OH gets offended when I honour that for other people.
Why would someone think it is okay to tell their husband?! The teller probably doesn't feel the same way about the husband as the listener does!

Helpys · 12/05/2014 11:15

at all the Stepford wives who don't know the difference between themselves and their husbands. Something told in confidence to you is to you, surely!

ikeaismylocal · 12/05/2014 11:16

I wouldn't tell my dp my friend's secrets.

A friend recently told me that she was pregnant, really early days and she had had a miscarriage so she wasn't telling anyone else, she told me as she wanted to ask me to look after her older child whilst she gave birth and the baby is due at a time I am usually on holiday, so she wanted to book me in as early as possible. I didn't tell dp as it isn't my news to tell, when my friend had her 12 week scan and made it public dp was supprised and happy for them and my friend said he was doing a good job acting supprised as obviously he had known as I would have told him but I really didn't.

If it was a secret that made me have a hard time emotionally I might consider telling dp but even then it would have to be a pretty serious emotional strain on me for me to be able to justify telling him.

I agree that being open and honest with your dp is important but if the secret doesn't involve me I don't see it as being secretive or dishonest if I don't tell him stuff about my friends.

differentnameforthis · 12/05/2014 11:18

DH and I are best freinds and partners in everything. We don't, particularly, have friends that we share confidences with and use as sounding blocks, we use each other and have for 25 years.

Dh & I have been together for 25yrs, I was a teen when we met, although he is 6yrs older. I don't feel the need to confide EVERYTHING to him. And of someone told me "don't tell anyone", I wouldn't tell him.

They have a reason for that, and it is not up to me to disregard those reasons. If you can't cope with a secret, best to make sure your friends know before they confide in you.

And yes, this has happened to me. I told a friend something very personal, that she promised would go no further. A couple of weeks later her dh made a cutting remark to me about it, I was not happy.

We are no longer friends, and although that isn't the only reason, it was a factor.

OddFodd · 12/05/2014 11:19

So basically some of you saying that if I want to discuss a confidential matter with someone else, I should only choose a single person because I can't trust any of my friends in LTRs to respect a request for privacy? Blimey

StarDustInTheWind · 12/05/2014 11:20

so all the non "stepford wives" (I speak to my husband so shoot me...) would out and out lie if asked directly "did X mention anything about Y..... " or would they do that pathetic thing of "she did say something, but I can't tell you..." (na, na,na,nnaaaaaa-na)

spindlyspindler · 12/05/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RPopz · 12/05/2014 11:22

Yes I would. But I'd also tell him not to repeat if it was that big a secret!

differentnameforthis · 12/05/2014 11:23

I don't understand why the husband is at fault here, for mentioning it. Yet the friend isn't.

I wouldn't be as mad with him as I was with her. Perhaps he thought that because his wife had told him, it wasn't to be mentioned? Perhaps his wife forgot to tell him that the op had asked her not to say anything.

Either way, she is more to blame than him, as the remark wouldn't have been made had she not blabbed to him in the first place.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 11:23

It's not pathetic to say 'yes, and it's private'.

If I wanted the partner to know, I'd tell them myself.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 11:24

Of course I would say "I'm not discussing it with you"

A partner would have to respect that.

Same as I would if roles were reversed.

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