To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

[TillyTellTale]

P.S.

This thread doesn't surprise me though. A lot of people have problems with what "don"t tell anyone" means. It does not mean "I can tell my sister/work colleague/mother/MIL if I swear her to secrecy". Compared to all the other incidents I've witnessed, telling a partner seems far more justifiable!

My rule for my personal life is: if I can't talk to DH about it, I don't tell anyone.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I don't share my friends secrets with DH, being married isn't a green light to betray a friends trust.

[HotSauceCommittee]

My friend's DH is not what he seems. As he and my DH were friends long before he even met his DW (now my close friend), there's no way I would tell.
It's all stuff my friend has had to offload and has asked me not to tell and I haven't. It would change DH's view of his friend forever, and, DH, as much as I love him, is not as good at keeping secrets from folk as I am.

It's not fair really, I am the "loud" one, but he is the quieter, more respectable looking one.

You don't have to tell your partner everything. You are two different people, who think differently however close the relationship. That's how shot gets spread around: daft partners telling the missus/Mr. That annoys me.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I personally don't share everything with my husband that has been confided to me, but I know that many married couples do so I would not take for granted that a confidence would be kept. I have experienced spouses of friends refer to something I have told friends, so I think it is customary to share.

[PenelopeLane]

I wouldn't tell my DH - and recently got told a massive secret I haven't told him as I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. DH would never tell a secret on purpose, but when something's second hand or third hand it's that much easier to slip up and tell than someone who's heard first hand if that makes sense.

[wigglesrock]

Nope, it wouldn't occur to me to tell my husband somebody else's secret. I've had friends tell me stuff especially if they've been at a particularly low point. They don't want advice or support, they just want to feel the comfort of telling someone. I honestly can't think why I would automatically think oh it's ok to tell my husband.

I've been with my husband for over 20 years I can think of lots of times I haven't shared things with him about other people.

[Nocomet]

I wonder if this different for those of us who met as students and grew up together and those who married later in life.

DH and I are best freinds and partners in everything. We don't, particularly, have friends that we share confidences with and use as sounding blocks, we use each other and have for 25 years.

[fatlazymummy]

I wonder how some people would cope with jury service or patient confidentiality.
Obviously not very well, if they feel the need to tell their partners everything.

[Lovecat]

I am truly amazed at the number of people here who think this is okay and partners 'don't count' - DH and I are not some kind of Borg hivemind and if someone had said don't tell ANYONE it would never occur to me that he didn't count as part of 'anyone'.

I think I'm going to have to reassess who I tell confidential stuff to now...

DH has a head like a sieve anyway and would either forget it immediately or else forget that it was meant to be a secret and probably greet the person the next time he saw them with a hearty "Fred! So I hear you're into BDSM now?'

[OnlyLovers]

If someone confides in me and asks me not to tell anyone, I take them at their word and don't tell anyone, including DP. And I'd pretty much consider myself to have 'grown up with' him; we've been together for 15 years, since we were in our early twenties.

[Oldraver]

I dont think it wrong or unusual she told him.

But he was a twonk for speaking to you about it.

[SelectAUserName]

I would never be surprised to learn that someone had told their partner because I know so many people do. I'd be a bit annoyed that the partner had let on they knew so obviously.

I don't tell my DH much that's confidential, I got out of the habit through working at the CPS and having to keep case details to myself. Very occasionally, if the 'secret' is upsetting or worrying, he might be able to tell I'm down or have something on my mind and will ask me if anything's up, and I might give him a highly-edited version (just saying "a friend" rather than using the name) just so he knows why I'm not myself but that's as far as it goes.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Hmm it would depend.

If the friend made it clear it was a secret and specifically asked me not to tell him - of course I wouldn't.

If the friend knew DH and told me something clearly very personal, or potentially embarrassing - even if she didn't specify not to tell him, I wouldn't - I don't think that would be fair on either of them.

If a friend who didn't know DH told me a secret, I would possibly tell him and make it clear it was a secret if I needed to use someone as a sounding board.

We don't feel the need to tell each other everything, I think.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

I wouldn't dream of telling a friend something and expecting them not to discuss it with their husband. Indeed if something is so secret I don't want anyone to know, well, I just don't tell anyone, once you tell someone the knowledge is no longer under your control.

[bakingaddict]

My rule is if we socialise together with the other couple then I would not tell my DH. Breaking confidences also puts the other people you tell in an awkward situation but if it was a work-friend or somebody my DH has no real contact with then I would probably discuss it with him

[UncleT]

There is no ambiguity in 'don't tell anyone'. Now you know not to confide in her - lesson learnt.

[defineme]

I do tell dh most stuff, but I didn't on jury service or when I worked for a charity where stuff was confidential. I can think of 2 secrets I've kept from him because friends have specifically said not to tell anyone.

However, if someone tells me something quite private, but doesn't specify it's a secret, I may still tell dh if I want to talk it over-he's extremely discrete and he's my closest friend so it feels natural.

Our problem is we are separately very close friends with a couple (me with woman dh with man) and have to be very careful. Dh told me something he assumed I would know (man had not said it was secret though it was personal) and now I am OMG in my head when I see my friend but can't bring it up.

[BumPotato]

I would tell my DH, probably. But I would trust him not to spill any secrets. He certainly wouldn't pass comment to the friend who had confided in me.

When I tell one half of a couple something, I assume they'll pass it on to the other. The only way I wouldn't pass something on to DH was if I just didn't think it was that interesting. Most people's news is really only interesting to themselves.

[PickleSarnie]

Surely "don't tell anyone" means anyone including husbands/partners? My husband isn't part of me. I can't see why I would possibly be justified in telling him something that had nothing to do with him just because I married him.

Especially since it doesn't exactly sound like a really "serious" secret that would have been a burden to carry around by oneself.

[Sparklingbrook]

DH is not the slightest bit interested on the minutiae of any of my friends' lives in any case. In fact he couldn't even name half of my friends and would pass them in the street and not know.

[Blib3]

I don't tell my dh everything but I work on the assumption that people will share stuff with their partners. I don't think it's unreasonable of them if they do share.

[NickiFury]

If the secret does not concern the DH/DP in any way then there is no earthly reason why they need to know and I wouldn't trust the friend who did it again.

I actually find this "I tell DH everything" really annoying.

Firstly you don't at all, there'll be things of your own, even small things that you don't tell him for various reasons, secondly, you are not One Person because you are a couple.

If you can keep your own little, unimportant secrets from him then do your friend the courtesy of keeping her big important secret to yourself.

[Purpleroxy]

I assume people would tell their dh. Unless specifically asked not to, but then it's a bit off asking someone to keep a secret from their spouse anyway.

[Sparklingbrook]

There are loads of things I don't tell DH because he wouldn't really want to know.

I imagining loads of DHs with a face listening to all the cobblers from their wives.

[OwlCapone]

If someone told me not to tell anyone I would assume they mean don't tell anyone. You know, just like they said.

I find it incredible that people think other people's secrets are theirs to tell when they have explicitly been asked not to tell anyone.

If you feel the need to tell your DH and have been told not to tell anyone, ask the person concerned! It is not your secret to tell and not your decision to make.