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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 12/05/2014 07:49

Meant friend's DH was indiscreet writer not you. Smile

Nocomet · 12/05/2014 07:50

Yes, I tell DH everything, he's been my BF for 25 years!
He's not greatly into trivial gossip, but anything vaguely important or that I wanted to think out loud about I'd tell him.

He'd never ever let on he knows and he'd never tell anyone else.

PinkSquash · 12/05/2014 07:50

If you're asked to keep a secret, you keep it and don't blab to anyone, spouses or otherwise.

I had similar happen and was Hmm about the OH being told too.

CSIJanner · 12/05/2014 07:51

I admit that I do share with my DH as he's my sounding block, however he wouldn't even let on that he knew nor ask about it. I would be seriously cheesed if he did as would he to me.

BrianTheMole · 12/05/2014 07:54

If I had been told not to, then I wouldn't.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:55

Sounds like it's more common than I thought then. Like I said, I'm not annoyed by the fact her DH knows so maybe I'm just taken aback by how openly he bought it up, it probably took me by surprise more than anything.

I'm trying to think now whether I've told my DH something that I probably didn't need to about someone else. I bet I have at some point.

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 12/05/2014 07:55

I would tell my dh and would assume my friends do the same. But... I would've absolutely mortified if dh ever let on for a second that he knew to my friend and vice versa. I accept my friends' husbands probably know things about me but does not mean I have any desire to discuss it with them.

Your friends husband was completely out of line. He should have pretended to be oblivious. Forever.

Nunyabiz · 12/05/2014 07:57

This happened to me. I found the ring before my DH proposed and I felt sooo guilty I had ruined his surprise but wanted to confide in a friend for advice and to admit what I had done (even though it was completely unintentional!) it goes without saying it was not her place to say anything but she told her DH who happened to be very good friends with my now DH... Who in turn told DH. It was horrible. DH was so angry with me the knock on effect caused a lot of damage at that time and another year of wiring for him to propose.
That being said I do confide in DH a lot. Unless I feel it will be detrimental to my friend or mine and DH's relationship.

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 07:58

Sorry but I tell my husband everything. He is discreet enough to keep it properly to himself though, which is I think the problem here.

I sound things off against him to get a proper idea of whats going on in my head, he is the other half of me so I can't imagine not being able to share stuff with him.

weatherall · 12/05/2014 08:00

I assume couples share secrets.

I don't tell one of a couple a secret I wouldn't want their DP to hear.

Blu · 12/05/2014 08:01

I would not betray a friend's secret to DP, no. Very disrespectful. DP. And I are not some kind of Unimind.

I would only share with DP, or tell the friend I could not remain confidential, if the secret had any effect on DP.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/05/2014 08:01

We don't necessarily share everything, but we don't really have secrets either, so I may well have done, depends whether I thought he would be interested. I would tell him not to tell anyone else if that had been specified and trust him not to let on that he knew.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 08:03

But why do they have to know everything?

If a friend confides in you about spmething then it's not for is to "sound off someone" it's their life how does it affect you?

If you tell your dh and they tell their best friend because suddenly the dh is worried how his wife is dealing with it etc and before you know it several people know.

Unless someone's murdered someone what someone tells you is private end of.

youmakemydreams · 12/05/2014 08:04

My friend and I were talking about this the other day. There is a mutual acquaintance whose husband knows everything she has ever been told every mundane detail of everyone's lives that she has ever been told. I make sure she hears nothing.
On the other hand if I tell people things I do so under the assumption that they are going to tell their partners as I know so many people do. If I don't even want the partner to know I specify that or don't discuss it if it would bother me them knowing.

I don't tell dp everything but I would tell him things that I wouldn't discuss with another friend. He also wouldn't say anything to the person it was about but has been directly asked did dreams tell you what happened to me and he will say yes because generally that means it's about to be discussed and he doesn't need filled in first.

Cushioney · 12/05/2014 08:04

I wouldn't tell the friend in the first place if it was that important that they do not tell anyone. People have different standards

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/05/2014 08:06

I always think it is incredibly unfair to burden someone with a secret and then ban then from discussing it with anyone.

If I tell someone something id rather they keep to themselves, I expect them to tapk to their OHs about it if needed.

LadyintheRadiator · 12/05/2014 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 12/05/2014 08:10

I assume couples share secrets.

the thing is, it wasn't her secret to share, was it?

I think it is massively disrespectful of her friend to have told her dh.

"don't tell anyone" doesn't need expanding on, imo.

aurynne · 12/05/2014 08:14

If I have agreed not to tell anyone, I don't tell anyone. My friends are my friends, not my husband's, and my DH is not an extension of myself.

Sallystyle · 12/05/2014 08:14

I don't keep secrets from my husband.. well don't get me wrong, I won't go and tell him that my friend Suzie has a period from hell or last night she had anal sex but there are some things I might want to talk through with him and discuss so I won't ever promise I won't share anything with him if the secret impacts me in any way.

My friend told me a secret, it was something that had be up worrying a lot and I didn't know how best to support her so I told my husband so I could get some support with how best to deal with it. However, my husband is trustworthy and would never let on he knows.

If any of my friends burdened me with a big emotional secret and asked me not to talk to him I would think they were being very unfair.

scarletforya · 12/05/2014 08:16

People who tell their husbands/wives everything baffle me. It strikes me as a bit emotionally incontinent!

I'm a tomb though.

Your friend was unreasonable

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 08:19

And what happens when your dh has a different opinion of not telling their dh or thinks that you should be telling the friend x y z. Why would you want to be in the middle of your friend who trusted you and confused in you and your dh who thinks you Should tell her something else etc

More stress than it's worth surely,

mercibucket · 12/05/2014 08:19

most people tell their partners most stuff so yabu to be surprised

however, it is bad form for the dh to openly acknowledge he knows

i tell dh most stuff, as most people do, but not things too 'personal'

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 08:20

Confided

Blu · 12/05/2014 08:51

There are a lot of people in this thread who would make terrible spies, priests, government ministers, members of the ministry of defence or intelligence services, jurors etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread