To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

[Writerwannabe83]

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

FWIW I think my relationship is in fact strengthened by knowing my partner is both trustworthy and able to deal with stuff, if necessary, without wailing at me.

Nail on the head, Select. Though I think I'd be surprised if a friend asked that question before she knew what the problem was, as I might be thinking "eh? why would your DH need to know about my abnormal smear test?"

But it is still open and honest. It's the people who believe that they are automatically allowed to share anything with their OH without asking or discussing it that are, in my opinion, doing something very wrong towards their friend.

If they wouldn't tell your "life partner" themselves, why do people feel they should tell?

I really don't get why people can't differentiate between someone else's secrets and their own secrets. If you have to repeat someone else's secrets you're obviously not the friend they thought you were.

God, imagine having to go through all that just to determine if you could talk to your friend or not.

"Can I tell you something I need to talk"
"Course you can"

I don't think I'd even bother carrying on of my friend ha to clarify fifty things first.

If my friends want to tell me something private they don't even have to ask me to keep it to myself. I will automatically, because I don't feel the need to talk about people's business to third parties.
It is just gossip at the end of the day.

Exactly fat

I'm pretty sure that I would laugh at someone saying that my sti status or infected toe nail or dirty thoughts about the postman would either help or hinder their marriage.

Very self absorbed

MaidOfStars, These two statements seem to contradict. Do you tell her everything, or do you not tell her everything?

Obviously I don't tell her everything, there's just not enough time/interest. What I mean is I feel free to tell her everything, and that strengthens our marriage. Not that everything I tell her strengthens our marriage!

fatlazymummy, you seem to be confusing rights with entitlements...

And you seem to be confusing marriage with the "right" to know everything and to tell everything"

You were two people before and you are two people now. Two people with hopefully two sets of friends.

And interests outside of gossiping about them

Just thought I'd point out, your misuse of the term gossip-

Definition- gossip
?g?s?p/

casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details which are not confirmed as true.
"he became the subject of much local gossip"
synonyms: tittle-tattle, tattle, rumour(s), whispers, stories, tales, canards, titbits;

There's a really nasty mysoginistic element to this thread. Lots of derogatory references to Stepford wives, running back to DH, weak women, gossips. Ironic really.

You missed these other definitions from the online Oxford dictionary

A person who likes talking about other people’s private lives.
A conversation about other people

Seems fairly apposite to me.
Lots of nasty allusions on here to people who haven't got 'life partners'/whatever you want to call them, accusations of smugness (just because you're able to hold your tongue...)
And, of course, this choice example of irrelevant nastiness: Have any of you lot even got a fella?

'There's a really nasty mysoginistic element to this thread.'

No there isn't, you just don't like people challenging your blabbermouthed behaviour.

Only read the OP, but yes, I would probably share stuff with my DH, unless it was something particularly sensitive.

We a have friend who thrives on divvying up information and asking people to keep unnecessary secrets - we always compare notes afterwards.

Well we'll agree to disagree then.

I'll carry on telling my DH things, (which as I've pointed out several times, in my friendship group we all know we tell our husbands/partners)
You lot name calling, wont change anything.

So ,what, it's not gossip due to a technicality in a dictionary definition? (which I don't see tbh)

That's like sayings it's not stealing because you hadn't actually left the store with it. -/even though that's what your intention was--

fail

And yes it is worth the "hand wringing"
Because there are many that have found out that they may well have been betrayed by people they trusted the most.

Because there are many that have found out that they may well have been betrayed by people they trusted the most.

If they assumed their friend wouldn't tell their DP, then they're idiots - at least that's what this thread proves...

If they assumed their friend wouldn't tell their DP, then they're idiots - at least that's what this thread proves

Don't you dare turn this around on them! Just to deflect from the fact that your a blabbermouth and can't be trusted to put anyone's feelings first. And for being so full of self importance that no one else matters

Lovely. If you're going to call people 'idiots' for believing that a confidence is just that, then allow me to call you an untrustworthy gossip. I notice the accusation of being a 'gossip' seemed to hit a bit of a nerve with the 'over-sharers', incidentally.

Yea two

Never in my both days have I heard the ridiculous justifying of being a gossip. Never.

"Well it's their fault for telling me"

And even a pregnancy is a burden for those precious loose lips that can't shut up for a second without spontaneously combusting.

Beyond belief

I don't keep secrets from dh, but neither do I reveal confidential and official information. All work stuff HAS to be confidential, but i have people I can offload to where necessary for that, not dh, same for him and his work. Sometimes he has to share things (I might need to know), but will say, this goes no further.

I see it like this. And people further up the thread (forgive me for not reading all 28 pages!), saying 'do any of the blabbers work with children' er yes....

Safeguarding.... NEVER promise to keep something a secret. Not ever...

With a child that is making a disclosure. Unfortunately you do have to say, " I do want to make sure you are safe, I have to tell X thank you for telling me". As in you have to say it may have to go further. Obviously, if child just says, I suck my toes in the bath or whatever you can say, "that's fine, I don't need to tell anyone that". But keeping secrets with children. Very dodgy!
But this op is consenting adults.

I will always ask, "can I tell dh?" And also if it IS a safeguarding thing, I.e "my husband beats me and I am scared because he has started to hit the kids", I will do as above and sy, I cannot promise to keep that a secret. Sure I may lose a friendship, but it needs to be handled sensitively of course (and in this sort of scenario, dh would not be on the to know list).
Trivial stuff I probably wouldn't mention. But I make zero promises before I know what it is. Thing is most of my friends do the whole "me and dh thing" anyway.

OpoH - I don't think this thread proves anything of the kind. I'd say it 'proves' that approx 50% of posters on this thread are gossips and the other 50% are appalled that apparently mature people find it such a struggle to keep a confidence.