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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 14:51

Your just trying up defend gossiping your friends secrets!

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 14:52

Who's a bloke? Confused

I'm just impressed that no one has wheeled out the old 'marriage vows' chesnut yet!

fatlazymummy · 14/05/2014 14:53

Why's that then Opohdear? Because we don't feel our 'life partners' are entitled to know our friends personal business?
Seriously, you sound sick.

Martorana · 14/05/2014 14:54

Why is it your "right"? Where does that right come from?

twofingerstoGideon · 14/05/2014 14:56

You don't have to tell him about your friend's smear test, but it's your right to do so if you want to.

Bollocks is it.

TillyTellTale · 14/05/2014 14:59

This thread gives me a new insight into why the Catholic church insists its clergy remain celibate.

It had never occurred to me that it might be because priests would think they had the right to tell spouses everything they'd heard in the confessional, but maybe it is.

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 14:59

I restated my position because you misrepresented it. And you're still missing my point - it's not that you must tell your DP every secret you hear, but that, if you want to (for whatever reason, eg it's worrying you, or it affects them in some way, or you think it will strengthen your primary relationship)

Apologies for misrepresenting, it's not intentional. I'm just struggling to see your POV.

If I want to tell a secret because it's impacting on my primary relationship in some way, then I might condone telling. I don't think it's my right to tell, but there may be mitigating circumstances (I'm unable to sleep, it involves my partner, etc) that allow me to do with a clearer conscience.

If I want to tell a secret because of some unwritten rule that I must not keep secrets within my primary relationship, then I don't condone telling. I do not think the act of telling a secret (any secret) strengthens my primary relationship. Why would it? Because it shows openness? trust? a clear indicator that you are "prioritising your primary relationship"? Am I supposed to be congratulated for being a good wifey?

If I told unnecessarily told my husband an irrelevant secret, he'd think I was a bit of a dick for betraying my friend's trust with no apparent gain other than to have told him the secret.

everlong · 14/05/2014 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 15:01

Good point, maid. The kind of things I can imagine my friends telling me and asking me to keep secret, if I did tell DP that sort of information, he would just stare at me and as me why on earth I felt it appropriate to tell him that!

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 15:02

Yes how does it strengthen your primary relationships?

Do you not get a good night kiss if he doesn't know about Alice and her chlamidiya?

motherinferior · 14/05/2014 15:03

OPohDear is a bloke (see upthread). I'm not saying all blokes are like this, btw, there are some sane blokes on this thread!

twofingerstoGideon · 14/05/2014 15:10

Good point, maid. The kind of things I can imagine my friends telling me and asking me to keep secret, if I did tell DP that sort of information, he would just stare at me and as me why on earth I felt it appropriate to tell him that!

You would have to tell him that you were doing so in order to safeguard your primary relationship Grin

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 15:12

Oh, yes I see - sorry OPohDear for skim reading that bit.

Those posters saying they would tell their OH as it's their right to - is that because you want to, you've been told by your OH that you should tell them everything, or because you want your OH to tell you everything?

Without wishing to cast aspersions on anyone on this thread's relationship, the last hour or so's worth of posts have raised the issue I hadn't thought of before, that some people are sharing because they have been told by, and believe, their partner that they need to do so, and that really isn't healthy...

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 15:13

twofingers Grin I'll tell him that at the same time I tell him he's been upgraded to life partner.

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 15:15

I've been I'm good and bad relationships. Neither one changed my stance on keeping friends secrets,well secrets.

I've never been told or have ever felt that was not the done thing.

I also know that in both good and bad relationships there hae been things that the other one hasn't told me with regard to their friends and I've never felt that I should know either.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:20

OK people, look at it this way - no-one has the right to put me in a position where I have to keep something from my life partner. If they said 'don't tell anyone' I'd assume (like many people on this thread) that this excludes my DW. If someone said 'don't tell anyone including your DW' I'd say I'd rather not know. I never want to be constantly concerned that I would let a secret slip out to my DW (unless it's a birthday present or something), and it's unreasonable for anyone to put me in that position.

Personally I share everything with my DW because I want to and I think it strengthens my marriage. Other people are free to have any kind of marriage they like, good luck to 'em I say...

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 15:22

I've been I'm good and bad relationships. Neither one changed my stance on keeping friends secrets,well secrets

Indeed. In fact, I might go so far as to say that discretion and due consideration have made me a far nicer grown up and perhaps have contributed to a far more mature relationship than my previous attempts.

TillyTellTale · 14/05/2014 15:22

If I started blabbing confidences about other people's cervices, my husband would be disappointed in me as a person.

If I said that it was for the health of our marriage, he would probably be offended that I thought I needed to do that!

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/05/2014 15:25

Oh bollocks you share everything OPohdear. Nobody tells their partner everything. If they do then they have one bored/offended partner.

I personally don't need to know the utter ins and outs of my dp's mind or social life. Do I need to know if one of his friends has erectile dysfunction? No. Do I need to know what he ate for lunch? No. Do I need to know he though that woman who just walked passed was very attractive? No. Do I need to know he's spent the last 5 minutes thinking about food rather than listening to my decorating ideas? No.

Does he need to know I do any of that in turn? Nope.

Martorana · 14/05/2014 15:25

OPohdear- please could you answer a question I asked someone else down thread. If you worked in a bank and happened to see that a friend of yours was in serious debt, would you consider it your right to tell your "life partner" about it?

squoosh · 14/05/2014 15:27

Anyone else picturing his 'life partner' rolling her eyes and saying 'Harold had a three fingered rectal exam? Fascinating dear. What's that, Norman is trying to sabotage Ernie's attempts at winning prize marrow? Thrilling.'

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 15:35

:o squoosh

Pur-lease don't spout crap about it stengthening relationships.

Knowing your wife is a gossip and can't be trusted cannot possibly be something that strengthens anything other than annoyance that she has no respect for privacy or people she holds dear.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:39

Martorana, I think there's a difference between personal and professional information. Learning info from work is different to learning it from a friend. So, no, I wouldn't tell her, unless there was some pressing reason why I thought she had to know (difficult to think how in this case).

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 15:40

Unless there was pressing information ?

You would be bound by law not to tell!!

Tht extends to life partners

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 15:42

Personally I share everything with my DW because I want to and I think it strengthens my marriage

But your argument on why it strengthens your marriage is that sharing secrets strengthens marriages....Hmm You haven't (as far as I've seen) given a reason for why you think this.