Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
Thurlow · 14/05/2014 15:43

You know how MN is a wonderful, educational enlightening place?

Somedays I wish it wasn't so much. Not only are half the people who come into my house judging me because of a loo brush (I'll just have to learn to bear the shame) but also those things I told my friends in confidence? Apparently now their husbands might know, because I didn't specify that they couldn't tell them, as I didn't consider that, you know, them and their husband actually being two separate individuals might mean it was obvious he fell into the "anyone" category...

Martorana · 14/05/2014 15:47

Right. So if your friend tells you she is in serious debt and asks you not to tell anyone, you tell your life partner. If you find out the same thing because of where you work, then you don't.

Can't you see this looks a bit odd?

fatlazymummy · 14/05/2014 15:48

Not only that Thurlow, but apparently he/she's entitled to know your personal info, simply because he/she is married /life partnered to someone that you told it to.

TillyTellTale · 14/05/2014 15:48

Learning info from work is different to learning it from a friend.

What, that's legally wrong, and you could lose your job and a friend, not just a friend?

If you have information, due to a position of privilege (professional or being someone's friend), it is not your information.

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:51

Giles, I'd break a law if it meant protecting my DW from something bad. But as I said, that's hard to imagine in the bank scenario.

MaidOfStars, not having secrets strengthens a marriage, imho.

Thurlow, well you live, you learn.

And by the way, for the millionth time, I'd only tell (or expect to be told) a secret if there was some reason to do so. We're talking rights, not responsibilities. And I hate gossip.

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 15:53

You learn that apparently 50% of people are immoral and would share information that isn't theirs to share. Not really a simple one to brush off, is it?

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 15:53

How do you intend to protect your wife when u are arrested or sued or jailed?

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:53

Martorana, if your friend tells you she is in serious debt and asks you not to tell anyone, you tell your life partner. If you find out the same thing because of where you work, then you don't.

Exactly, except I'd only tell my life partner if there was a reason to.

Martorana · 14/05/2014 15:54

"We're talking rights, not responsibilities."

The only person with rights here is the person who gave you their confidence. They have a right to have their confidence kept. And you have a responsibility to keep their secret.

I just don't see why this is so hard.

fatlazymummy · 14/05/2014 15:57

Opohbear ,where is the right to know something about another person's business, simply because your wife does? Note I have said 'another person', not the 2 of you.Where do you think that right comes from?

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:58

Thurlow, just because someone has different morals to you it doesn't make them 'immoral'. Judgey much?

Giles, I'd try to make sure I wasn't arrested or sued or jailed... Hopefully she wouldn't tell anyone!

Martorana, well that's your opinion. And you know what they say about opinions...

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 15:59

Ah so you would expect her to keep the secret? When you couldn't

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 15:59

Oh fatlazymummy, please don't put words into my mouth. I didn't say it was my right to know, I said it was my DP's right to tell me...

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 16:00

Giles, I would expect her only to tell her DP, ie me!

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 16:02

You better hope that's the case

Thurlow · 14/05/2014 16:02

I'm happy to be judgey on this topic, because IMO sharing secrets you have been specifically asked to keep, sharing secrets that are not yours to share, is at best plain gossip and at worst as immoral stealing.

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 16:05

MaidOfStars, not having secrets strengthens a marriage, imho

But you still don't give a specific reason for this assertion, just that is is. I get the general idea, of course I do. I can't think of much about myself that I'd keep secret from my husband. But I can think of lots of things about others that I keep secret from him, where the detriment to his life and my life and our lives together is approximately zero.

I'd only tell (or expect to be told) a secret if there was some reason to do so

What kinds of reasons are you thinking? Because earlier, you suggested that the act of telling was reason enough in itself, because that strengthens a marriage, the basis of this assertion being somewhat opaque...and back to the start...

fatlazymummy · 14/05/2014 16:08

Same thing really. She wouldn't be entitled to tell you if you weren't entitled to know, would she?

OPohdear · 14/05/2014 16:15

MaidOfStars, you suggested that the act of telling was reason enough in itself, because that strengthens a marriage

No I didn't - it depends on what the secret is, obviously.

fatlazymummy, Same thing really. She wouldn't be entitled to tell you if you weren't entitled to know, would she?

Is your grasp on logic really that bad?

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2014 16:15

In wondering if people are deliberately telling their partners about everything about everyone so they then believe that their partners don't keep secrets. And then hiding really big stuff from them.

The only reason to be a blabber mouth is to get away with hiding he stuff that really matters

Martorana · 14/05/2014 16:17

Actually, I am prepared to be judgy on this. I believe that ther qr some moral absolutes. And keeping someone's confidence is a moral absolute. Even if it's difficult.

minipie · 14/05/2014 16:20

If someone says to me "please don't tell anyone"

my usual response is "do you mind if I tell DH" as I generally do discuss everything with DH

(unless it's something I know I'd never think of discussing with DH because he wouldn't be remotely interested)

in other words I specifically check if they think "anyone" includes DH or not

and obviously I abide by their response

MaidOfStars · 14/05/2014 16:20

No I didn't - it depends on what the secret is, obviously

Personally I share everything with my DW because I want to and I think it strengthens my marriage

These two statements seem to contradict.

Do you tell her everything, or do you not tell her everything?

fatlazymummy · 14/05/2014 16:21

No it isn't bad at all.
Eg. A nurse is entitled to give out information to the designated next of kin.She isn't entitled to give it out to anyone else,because no one else is entitled to it.
Get it? It's a 2 way thing isn't it.

SelectAUserName · 14/05/2014 16:24

I am struggling to see why it's so hard.

Friend: "MNPoster, I have something I need to get off my chest but it's confidential. Can I tell you?"
MNPoster: "Of course you can".

Or:

Friend: "MNPoster, I have something I need to get off my chest but it's confidential. Can I tell you?"
MNPoster: "When you say 'confidential', do you mean not to tell Mr MNPoster either? I usually share confidences with him."
Friend: "I'd rather you didn't."
MNPoster: Either "OK, I promise I won't tell him. Fire away." or "In that case, it's probably best if you don't tell me as I wouldn't want to keep secrets from him or betray your confidence."

Or occasionally:

Friend: "MNPoster, I have something I need to get off my chest but it's confidential. Can I tell you?"
MNPoster: "When you say 'confidential', do you mean not to tell Mr MNPoster either? I usually share confidences with him."
Friend: "No, that's fine, I'd assume you'd tell him, but ask him not to say anything."
MNPoster: "Fire away"