to think a lot of parents seem to let their kids have rather too much say in things

[SEmyarse]

Is it just the people that i'm surrounded by? Or am I out of step and these examples are normal and acceptable? Of course, people can do what they like with their own kids, but this all seems crazy to me.

1. A lady I occasionally work with at a care agency was moaning about how many shifts she's doing at the moment. I was sympathising that money was tight, and then she revealed that although they're struggling to pay the bills, she is prioritising buying her daughter the princess cabin bed she'd demanded. The daughter is 3. She says she's exhausted with all the demands but since she's asked for it, then she must find a way to get it. She just wishes her daughter wasn't so demanding!

2. A lad in dd1's year started at a secondary school right out of area in September requiring 3 bus journeys to get there. She said he'd chosen it. I said she was fantastic facilitating this, but it wasn't for me and dd1 would be going locally. I've bumped into her again now, and she was bemoaning the fact that they're struggling to sell the house because her son has said he's fed up with the buses and wants to live locally to the school. She doesn't want to move.

3. We lift share with dd2's friend for brownies. She hadn't been at school for 2 days so I assumed she would be too ill to go and prepared to take dd2 myself. But then they appeared. I said I thought she was ill, and her mum said she'd complained of a pain in her nose and didn't want to go to school. She also asked to see a doctor, and although her mum didn't think it necessary she took her. She then decided that she WAS well enough for brownies, which seems mad to me if she was deemed too ill for school.

Is it just me that wouldn't put up with this stuff? I've got some time for the negotiation school of parenting, but in all these cases I would be telling the child what's what.

Mine have had their moments. They have all grown up to be hard working.

I never felt the need to be the big bad mum.

But I don't really think that giving your children boundaries, and expecting certain standards of behaviour makes you a "big bad mum".

And I don't think controlling all aspects of their lives and being strict for the sake of it does them any favours either.

But different strokes.

My children have boundaries, it is unfair to paint a picture that because my children have some personal autonomy that they have no rules or boundaries.

Maybe I have been incredibly lucky to have children who make generally wise decisions, however I suspect it is be use they are used to making real decisions.

To he honest if my children did not like a colour shade we would not paint a main room that colour,

My DD is laughing at the concept of me controlling all aspects of her life. She actually has had more freedom than most kids.

My children have a lot , they are lucky . My husband and I grew up poor and quite frankly it was shit. I am pleased that they are able ok to pursue interests without worrying about the costs. I I do wonder if any if their friends whine to their parents about them being spoilt.

They are not unpleasant about what they have, they would not look down on people for having less and they do not demand stuff.

I don't think that having a lot of materiel possessions makes a child spoilt.

This sort of thread always brings out so much unrestrained smugness, when it is actually quite an interesting topic.

I agree with the rod-and-back brigade, but their smug superior attitude is a bit much.

YANBU
Parents who let their children 'rule the roost' are failing in their job as parents, much of parenting is saying no and guiding your DCs, they NEED that from us, without it, it is quite scary for them and probably the main reason that we are seeing anxiety, stress and depression developing in younger and younger kids.

They need to know there is a confident, calm parent at the helm not that they can demand anything they want and get it. How will that prepare them for real life, dealing with a boss, or any future hardships that may come their way?

I read somewhere that your frontal lobe is not fully developed until 25 years of age, therefore it is really the parents job to act as the frontal lobe for their kids.

I half agree.

I do give some boundaries etc but don't see why they can't have a say in most things. Ok so maybe not always final decision but op says kids have ' too much of a say in things'.

I am their mother so do mother them but I do also want them to like me and ''be my friend' as people on here have said. I love just chiling with them and I do let them give opinions and choices. As a child and now adult I would hate to always be told what to do and not decide myself.

My children are amused at the thought of me being seen as a super laid back parent whom allows the children to rule the roost.

Dd2 said " there is no escape " as I also teach in their school!

But people will always think their parenting way is the right way or they wouldn't be doing it. And having kids that have turned out great will reinforce that belief.

Though I have to say that I have a very good friend whose son absolutely ruled the roost, always got his own way. He seems to have turned into a lovely young man too.

But not as lovely as mine

I think how you view how you parent is affected by how you parent yourself but most reasonable parents probably parent in a fairly similar manner WRT choice, it's just how they describe it that differs. I very much doubt any sensible parent allows their child completely free choice at 11 over the school they go to (I don't think anyone in Penzance is allowing their child to apply to a school in Berwick for example) but the illusion of choice is valuable for a child to explore decision making.

The University thing is interesting. DH and I are Scottish and are old enough to have had the choice of 7 universities in Scotland (obviously there are a lot more now), it was hard to make a 'bad' decision from such a limited choice and in Scotland you know what your grades are before you apply and culturally you are surrounded by people telling you to go to the best possible University. I still got some bad advice, my headmaster was amazed I'd put a certain University as a choice, it is actually the best department in the subject I was applying for in the whole of the UK. But how was he to know that, it wasn't his subject?

I'll definitely guide my kid's University choice, by discussing what factors should affect where they go and what they study. I think that's my role as their parent, to guide their decisions and find people who can help them make good decisions. If they were going to get straight As at A level I'd definitely steer them towards applying to Oxbridge. But in England if you're not at those lofty height the decision of which University to go to is much harder than DH and I had in Scotland in the 80s and I think I owe my kids to help them find out that degree and Uni Y will not give them the same opportunities as degree and Uni x.

how you were parented fuckity fuck

I am never certain that I am parenting in the right way tbh. I try my best but often question my decisions.

A family I was a nanny for waited until a weekend when their 6 year old would be with them to choose a tv for the kitchen wall, wtf does a 6 year old know about choosing technology, in the end he chose the one that was showing a Ben 10 episode when they were in the shop

I see it all the time all around me, when I go to friends houses, when I'm at work, but sometimes I think it jumps out to me more because I started to feel self conscious that I'm not like it myself with ds, like I feel I should kiss his arsse more when I'm with certain friends and they must think I'm harsh for saying no and ignoring tantrums.

The trick is to let them think they have a choice when in fact they don't at all. I have a first class degree in selective provision of information and choices. So they feel excited and lucky fir getting to do what you decided would be the case all along.

I've said this before on quite a few threads as well but material things CAN make children spoilt.

I'm thinking of the opposite probably of the examplles laqueen would give, children from families on limited income where the parent puts the child's desires before practicalities. I know people who have had the bailiffs at the door because they put lavish presents for their children before paying their council tax etc. i understand WHY they might do it but I see children growing up thinking they are the centre. Of the known universe and should be entitled to anything they want regardless of the impact on others.

Not sure I'm expressing that well tonight but hopefully you get what I mean.

Material stuff is often used as a substitute for parental attention though; the TV in the bedroom because a DVD is less trouble than reading a bedtime story; the games console because it's easier than engaging with them or taking them to an activity; the Nintendo DS so you can go to a restaurant without having to talk to them.

Yes I know technology is fine in moderation, but many, many lazy parents use it as a babysitter.

But some children live in big expensive houses, wear the best clothes, go on expensive holidays. Have their parents pay for their education.

Are they spoilt then?

I mean I couldn't afford to put my kids through university. They would have to work and get loans etc.

So should I think that parents who fund their children , pay their rent and fees etc and give them an allowance are spoiling their children.

I wouldn't think that BTW.

No I don't think it's about how much you give children - I think it's about making them aware that resources are limited and need to be shared among the family - not that their desires take precedent to everything?

I am trying to write a research proposal tonight and words are failing me badly...

My children have lots of stuff, they also have lots of experiences and I became a teacher so that I could have lots of time with them. I am thinking about leaving work permanently so they can have even more time with me.

They just be proper hellish brats.