to think a lot of parents seem to let their kids have rather too much say in things

[SEmyarse]

Is it just the people that i'm surrounded by? Or am I out of step and these examples are normal and acceptable? Of course, people can do what they like with their own kids, but this all seems crazy to me.

1. A lady I occasionally work with at a care agency was moaning about how many shifts she's doing at the moment. I was sympathising that money was tight, and then she revealed that although they're struggling to pay the bills, she is prioritising buying her daughter the princess cabin bed she'd demanded. The daughter is 3. She says she's exhausted with all the demands but since she's asked for it, then she must find a way to get it. She just wishes her daughter wasn't so demanding!

2. A lad in dd1's year started at a secondary school right out of area in September requiring 3 bus journeys to get there. She said he'd chosen it. I said she was fantastic facilitating this, but it wasn't for me and dd1 would be going locally. I've bumped into her again now, and she was bemoaning the fact that they're struggling to sell the house because her son has said he's fed up with the buses and wants to live locally to the school. She doesn't want to move.

3. We lift share with dd2's friend for brownies. She hadn't been at school for 2 days so I assumed she would be too ill to go and prepared to take dd2 myself. But then they appeared. I said I thought she was ill, and her mum said she'd complained of a pain in her nose and didn't want to go to school. She also asked to see a doctor, and although her mum didn't think it necessary she took her. She then decided that she WAS well enough for brownies, which seems mad to me if she was deemed too ill for school.

Is it just me that wouldn't put up with this stuff? I've got some time for the negotiation school of parenting, but in all these cases I would be telling the child what's what.

I agree partially, some parents do seem to try too hard be friends instead of parents and therefore give in to their demands.
However, I know a few "martyr" type mothers who like to complain (tell anyone who listens) about how much they do for their dc.
For example the mother who gets up early and runs a bath for her 17 yo before waking them for college every morning. I will add that she "moaned" about having her shower too early because she didn't want to take dc "time slot"!!!!!!

There wss another thread recently about how.most people would buy something their child wanted if they could afford it. Completely different direction to this thread!!

I don't understand how anyone would prioritise a cabin bed over paying bills. It's all kinds of wrong - I would rather my kids had a cheap bed and I knew they had a safe home, decent food, the gas isn't going to get cut off etc. that's being an adult - and being a parent - making tough decisions.

If the money was there then I would try to get the bed the child wanted but not at the risk of the basics of life.

I do think a secondary age child is old enough to choose a school, with guidance. Who knows what's going on with the move thing.

If you are off school you ate I'll here. If you are I'll you are in bed and you get no treats. There are very low levels of non school attendance round here!

Op is nbu though I think it's a growing trend too.

Yanbu with the above. Ds is only 5, but he does have a lot to do with decision making in the house, as in he helps choose meals for the week, what we do at the weekend, whether he has sandwiches or dinners at school etc and this works really well for us, however if he demands something, he has zero chance of getting it! And I would never be dictated to by him that he has to have something/live somewhere/school. That would be ridiculous!

Reading back through and laqueen makes a great point about the level of responsibility these children are given and how it is too much for them - it must be rather scary, just as much so as not being listened to at all.

But an 11 year old isn't a young child
Yes they are still a child but nearly a teenager and old enough to make decisions and for their opinion to be valued. Any change that is made to your life is going to affect your children so why shouldn't they have an opinion?

I can't imagine anyone being stupid enough to actually sell their house against their will because their child wanted to. What I think is more likely is that she chose the school and is trying to cover.

I'm kind of in the same boat. The dc are in a truly wonderful primary school but the secondary it feeds into is just awful. We're looking at the secondary school we want them to go to (about half an hour drive) and currently searching for houses in that catchment. A school mum asked about the house search the other day and where we were looking. When she asked why on earth we were moving all the way down there I burbled some rubbish about dh having a lot of friends in the area, I wasn't that bothered really but dh really wanted to etc etc. Had the dc been old enough I may well have blamed them.

What's the alternative? 'Oh well, I just don't want them going to that shit heap school so we're getting them into the best school catchment. Oh yes, the secondary you send your kids to'

My 10 and 11 year olds had a say in which house we bought.

I took dd to a £300 a night hotel for her birthday treat because she asked for it.

Ds had the day off school today because he felt sick, and I let him (and took a day off work) despite knowing he was just a bit overwrought with SATs and would have been fine.

All these things have a wider context, but at face value they look pretty much like my dc are spoiled. Oops.

You're awfully patronising LaQueen

My parents twice sent me to a school which was much too far away. I couldn't concentrate, was falling asleep in my lessons and falling behind with my work. When I got home I couldn't do my homework because I was exhausted. It was a long journey anyway in theory but made worse by the fact the bus was unreliable, sometimes didn't run at all and I was frequently late.

The first time they did this I had to start weekly boarding and was extremely homesick and unhappy. After my Dad retired they couldn't afford that anymore and they did exactly the bloody same thing AGAIN and sent me somewhere too far away I had exactly the same problems and I ended up dropping out half way through my A'Levels.

My parents could have moved closer to the schools, it wouldn't have affected their commutes and I would have thought more of them if they had done it. After all it was their fuck up to decide I was going there when it wasn't practical.

In the case of no 2 perhaps the mother has just realized she made a mistake sending him there but doesn't see why he should suffer because she made a bad call.

I know someone who was driving her son 5 miles after school to play with the local thugs and bullies...she said she didn't want to but her 10 year old son insisted.

what 's obviously not met LaQueen before

All my children had a say in what secondary school they went to.

I think dismissing your childrens feelings is wrong.

I'll hold my hands up, my DD choose her secondary school. It was not my favourite, but it was local and at the end of the day it was not me who was going. The schools around here are much of a much ness, all academies with poor results, so it was the pick of a bad bunch. Nearly a year on she is doing exceptionally well (only today I received a phone call from her maths teacher telling me how well she had done in a maths test) and is incredibly happy and has a lovely circle of friends.

My children have all had a say in which school they went to a secondary level. Their choices were all in line with ours, but if they had wanted to go to the grammar we would have allowed it.

They all have a say in where we go in holiday, there are now 8 of us so nobody dictates but they all have a say.

We have lived in our house for quite a long time, but they would have a say if we moved house.

I can't see why having a say in a family holiday would scare a child shitless.

Getting outbid bed at 7am in the morning, after possibly not sleeping well, then having to make the journey and sit in school for six hours, is very different to attending an activity for an hour in the evening.

So the going to Brownies, I agree with. When I've got a heavy cold I feel rubbish of a morning, but pick up by late afternoon.

I think that the Mum buying the cabin bed is either wanting this for her DD, or is struggling with bedtimes/staying in bed, but doesn't want to discuss it.
I have struggled to buy things for my DD's and have really enjoyed them having them, others wouldn't, I parent the way I want to. My youngest is 16, they have all appreciated what I have done for them.

My middle DD transferred schools at 13, she got to pick out of two. I would of chose differently, but her choice of school was the making of her.

I originally chose the closest one, that was a big mistake that she had to live with. My parents had done the same with me and I massively under achieved because of it.

My children have always had input in our days out and holidays.

In terms of cars etc, then I agree, though.

I decided where my three eldest went to secondary school. Each time they were the only one from their primary. The alternatives were either too long a commute or had lower academic standards.

Yes they moaned at the time but I know my children and they all settled down and made friends very quickly. They all acknowledge it was the right choice.

For sixth form I have basically let them decide between two really excellent colleges, I don't care if their best mate is going to a different one, if excellence is on offer you do not turn it down.

Of course 11 is a child. School choice is far too big a decision for a child to make? As a parent it is my responsibility to make the big decisions.

And my children can decide where we go on holiday when they are paying (they always love our holidays anyway).

Argh rogue question mark.

There is no way I would decide which 6th form college my children went to.

At 16 you need to stop controlling all aspects of their lives.

My children had the choice of two sixth form colleges. No way was I going to stand by and let an academic, but immature, 16 year old go to a college that largely did vocational courses, just because a lot of their non academic mates were going there.

I'm here to be their parent not their mate.