to think a lot of parents seem to let their kids have rather too much say in things

[SEmyarse]

Is it just the people that i'm surrounded by? Or am I out of step and these examples are normal and acceptable? Of course, people can do what they like with their own kids, but this all seems crazy to me.

1. A lady I occasionally work with at a care agency was moaning about how many shifts she's doing at the moment. I was sympathising that money was tight, and then she revealed that although they're struggling to pay the bills, she is prioritising buying her daughter the princess cabin bed she'd demanded. The daughter is 3. She says she's exhausted with all the demands but since she's asked for it, then she must find a way to get it. She just wishes her daughter wasn't so demanding!

2. A lad in dd1's year started at a secondary school right out of area in September requiring 3 bus journeys to get there. She said he'd chosen it. I said she was fantastic facilitating this, but it wasn't for me and dd1 would be going locally. I've bumped into her again now, and she was bemoaning the fact that they're struggling to sell the house because her son has said he's fed up with the buses and wants to live locally to the school. She doesn't want to move.

3. We lift share with dd2's friend for brownies. She hadn't been at school for 2 days so I assumed she would be too ill to go and prepared to take dd2 myself. But then they appeared. I said I thought she was ill, and her mum said she'd complained of a pain in her nose and didn't want to go to school. She also asked to see a doctor, and although her mum didn't think it necessary she took her. She then decided that she WAS well enough for brownies, which seems mad to me if she was deemed too ill for school.

Is it just me that wouldn't put up with this stuff? I've got some time for the negotiation school of parenting, but in all these cases I would be telling the child what's what.

I am on the fence. I can imagine too many ways where the parents might not really be pandering to the kids to the extent that OP implies.

DC1 &2 chose their secondary. I hated trying to choose for her. I will let other DC choose. Of all our reasonable choices, DD's choice happens to be (I discovered belatedly) exactly the sort of school that MNers would most approve of. I wouldn't have seen it as so desirable at all.

So if I let dc all choose their own schools, what if all 3 chose different schools? That would be a logistical nightmare and inset days would be different etc. Quite simply not practical!

I tend to pick my battles - sometimes they have a completely free choice, sometimes a choice out of options, others no choice at all.

Things like hair styles, clothing, etc they can get in with it. They know their choices have to fit in with school rules, but apart from that, I couldn't care less.

With secondary school, DD chose out of 2 suitable options - she's the one that has to attend it for the next 5 - 7 years so I feel it's important we took her wishes into consideration.

Stuff like family cars, I don't know, if there was a choice of 2 and I couldn't decide, I might ask which one they prefer

I try and balance letting them have choices in an age appropriate way

My parents never let me have any say in anything when I was younger - my clothes, my hair, my secondary school, everything was controlled. I don't want to be like that, but at the same time I don't want to be permissive and let them rule the roost

I don't think it patronising to say that children think as children, and react as children - and that at the grand age of 11 they simply do not have the wisdom, perception, or experience to make important, life changing decisions e.g. where they will go to school.

I tend to agree, but I wouldn't choose my dc's secondary school without talking to them first. My DS goes this years and has been involved in the preparations, fortunately his views aligned with mine and DH's.

I had no involvement in where I went to school, not when I moved to secondary and less when I was pulled out of the (outstanding) school I was at and dumped in boarding school. Parents have a responsibility to make the decisions that are in the best interests of their child, communication is key to finding out what those interests are.

Our children have chosen their secondary schools. They didn't make the choice, just with reference to friends.

YANBU. I too am amazed at the amount of totally over-indulged children; the number of parents who say 'my child will only wear designer labels' - fine, let them pay for their own .

Last Christmas there was a mum here on Mumsnet struggling to buy her child an ipad - from her hours on minimum wage. Why would anyone do this .

I let my DS (13) make some choices, particularly regarding his own money - but overall, no, as I keep telling him, he can do as he pleases when he leaves home.

I had a say on what secondary school I wanted to go to. Because I could walk to all of them.

We took our DC1 to our catchment secondary to look round. It was the one we wanted him to go to (the best one). It is also the only one with a school bus that goes from where we live directly to it. He liked it. We "just didn't get around to arranging" to go and see the others.

I know several other parents who have decided that their DC must be allowed to choose which school they want to go to.

• one chose a different school. It would have involved her arriving at school at 7:30am and her Mum driving to collect her every day. Her Mum has 3 younger DCs. She didn't get into that school anyway and was hugely disappointed.

• the second chose a different school. Her sister a couple of years younger chose the catchment school so both DDs are in different schools. (So it really isn't that the parents think the other school is better.) But now the public bus service has been cut so the eldest is having trouble getting to school and they are thinking of moving house, though they love their old one

• the third is in Yr 6 and has set his heart on another school. The Mum has just twigged it will be virtually impossible to get him there. She is worried sick about what to do - let her DS down or disrupt the entire family's routine by ferrying him to and fro every day.

I can't feel that our way was better and happier for all concerned.

I have seen the other side to the coin though - I know someone who chose the worst school in the district for their DC because it was more convenient to pick them up on the way home from work.

Far too many parents live in fear of displeasing their child, and bow and scrape before them in a way that is pitiful to watch

^This
I have a friend like this and it's embarrassing to see her apologizing to her child constantly, i can literally feel her fear at upsetting her child. Last time we met up she apologized for talking to me as her dd couldn't hear the video clip she was watching . I mean wtf.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to make your children happy.

Compromise and picking my battles worked for me.

None of mine have ended up in prison.

My children like me, I don't see anything wrong in wanting your children to like you. I am not sure why you would set out to be disliked by anyone, especially your children. That does not mean that I never say no or that they rule the roost.

My children like me too.

I like them, that's why I want them to be happy. I did say no sometimes but if I could say yes, I did.

with an airy 'Yeah, whatever you think best' attitude, nice and easy though that might be

I don't think it's easier at all, asking and listening to their opinions. They are 14 and 16, have always been consulted and I trust their judgement in many things.

My parents went completely the other way, to the extent that I made some fucking stupid choices as I had never learned to trust my own decisions or judgements.

Instead, my opinion was never saught, mocked when I expressed it and I never learned that it was not the end of the world to make the wrong choice.

I'm glad some of you aren't my parent!

Disclaimer: first time in years I've ever disagreed with LaQueen. I feel like I've crossed a line...

DD says you are being unreasonable.

But there is a difference between kids being allowed to rule the roost with their wants always coming first and allowing them age appropriate choices.

The problems occur when parents allow their children to dictate for example how the family holiday budget is spent or what colour to paint the sitting room ! Those types of things are an adults privilege.

I feel I am being a bit misrepresented here. My kids did have a free choice of two excellent sixth forms. It was just the third one, with poor A level results that was complete not on the agenda. Are you all really tellingly you'd be happy for your child to go to a much worse college just because some of their mates were?

And yes my kids like me; we are very close. But I've never been afraid of making an unpopular decision, or doling out a grounding if it needed doing. And it sounds really cheesy but they do respect that.

DD in particular has friends who were allowed to do what they want. She was very envious when she was 15 or 16. She is now 18, those friends are going nowhere and only today she was saying she was glad I kept her on the straight and narrow.

I never grounded my children as teenagers.

They kept themselves on the straight and narrow.

And I don't get this concept of saying yes if you can either. DP and I are very fortunate to have successful business. We can afford to give our kids whatever gadget they want, huge amounts of pocket money, cars at 17, the lot.

But we don't because we want them to know the value of money, and we aren't massive fans of little kids having TVs in their rooms and iPads and laptops.

If I could afford it, they could have it.

I was mostly skint though so that didn't happen very often

Lucky you Usual. Mine have had their moments. DD dabbled with weed and bad boys at 15. She's got that out of her system and is very sensible and hardworking these days though.