to think a lot of parents seem to let their kids have rather too much say in things

[SEmyarse]

Is it just the people that i'm surrounded by? Or am I out of step and these examples are normal and acceptable? Of course, people can do what they like with their own kids, but this all seems crazy to me.

1. A lady I occasionally work with at a care agency was moaning about how many shifts she's doing at the moment. I was sympathising that money was tight, and then she revealed that although they're struggling to pay the bills, she is prioritising buying her daughter the princess cabin bed she'd demanded. The daughter is 3. She says she's exhausted with all the demands but since she's asked for it, then she must find a way to get it. She just wishes her daughter wasn't so demanding!

2. A lad in dd1's year started at a secondary school right out of area in September requiring 3 bus journeys to get there. She said he'd chosen it. I said she was fantastic facilitating this, but it wasn't for me and dd1 would be going locally. I've bumped into her again now, and she was bemoaning the fact that they're struggling to sell the house because her son has said he's fed up with the buses and wants to live locally to the school. She doesn't want to move.

3. We lift share with dd2's friend for brownies. She hadn't been at school for 2 days so I assumed she would be too ill to go and prepared to take dd2 myself. But then they appeared. I said I thought she was ill, and her mum said she'd complained of a pain in her nose and didn't want to go to school. She also asked to see a doctor, and although her mum didn't think it necessary she took her. She then decided that she WAS well enough for brownies, which seems mad to me if she was deemed too ill for school.

Is it just me that wouldn't put up with this stuff? I've got some time for the negotiation school of parenting, but in all these cases I would be telling the child what's what.

A parent lets their children grow up and make their own decisions.

And they are friends with whoever they like, date who they like, wear what they like, get pierced where they like.

But I'm not going to stand by while they throw away excellent educational opportunities.

If my children chose the vocational route, I would support them all the way.

You going to choose their universities for them too?

I chose every nursery and school up 'til they went to college and uni.

I too would support my children in whatever route they took Usual. My very academic DD is doing A level Art and plans to do an Art degree. I am behind her all the way while the rest of our extended family criticise her choices.

If one of my kids wanted to be a plumber then fine. But common sense would dictate he went to the best college to fulfil that ambition.

DS is, in fact, very happy at the University of his choice. I very much doubt he would have got the grades to get in there at the more vocational college.

There is a half way house of sorts.

We have five secondary schools which my children could potentially attend. Out of those, two are at my acceptable standards for education.

When dd was going to secondary I asked if she wanted to go to the school we are zoned in or she would prefer to go to the other acceptable school. She wanted to go to the one we are zoned for.

If she wanted the other school fair enough but if she had asked for any of the other three then no she would not have gone there. Reasons? I can see the long term disadvantages which she couldn't because, as laqueen points out, she is a child and does not have the life experience, understanding of the world or emotional stability to make a decision based on long term thinking.

At 16 I would expect more input again to the decision but I would also be giving very strong guidance.

There is nothing patronising in saying a child is a child and is not equipped to make decisions in the same way as an adult. It's rather lax and lazy to put all of this on your children (not meaning Thr 16 yo debate) and sometimes you have to be an adult. Being an adult means being able to make a competent decision. That does not mean an autocratic decision which ignores the feelings of others, but a decision which can reflect upon all the factors involved and consequences.

As far as the school choice goes, it's not just a case of going a little bit out of the way. There are 4 secondaries that have dedicated school buses from our semi rural area. One with excellent results, 2 medium (ds attends one of these) and 1 poor (dd1 goes here because it has good sn facilities). The town that has 3 of the schools, then has direct buses to another 3 secondaries with good reps (1 excellent). Apart from the first excellent one, none are oversubscribed.

But he apparently didn't like any of these, and chose (according to his mother), to change buses twice in the town for another 15 miles to the north. I know people in that area who say their school is quite average.

And she seemed properly upset when telling me she had to move. I guess it could be instigated by her husband, who I don't know, but she was stressing about what she's going to do if her younger son chooses a school elsewhere when he goes up in 2 years.

The University question is an interesting one though. My DS did a lot of research and made five good choices for university. Yes we discussed it but it was wholly his decision.

My friend's DS on the other hand, despite really good A levels, has chosen to do what pretty much everyone would consider to be a rubbish degree, at an HE college. My friend just shrugs and says it's up to him. I think I would struggle with that to be perfectly honest, not least because we are having to make a sizeable financial contribution to DS.

I suppose the schools question depends on where you live. We are in quite a rural area so our children had the choice of the comp/secondary modern or the grammar. There was not really any other option so it was not a wild choice to begin with.

Your children's choices will also be affected by what they hear in the home. Our children have grown up in a house of strong views about education and know our views in grammar schools and our views about the performance of localish ones. I am not naive enough to think that has not influenced them.

I also think that you should aim to raise your children to make sensible decisions, so the decision they make is not one that drives you to panic.

Our stepson chose his university applications completely freely, however again he is making that choice in the context of our home. He has gone to the same university as both of his parents although different college.

Our eldest son is making university choices and again although he he chosen freely one of his his choices is the university his father and I went to - and his elder brother!

It's just the next generation of the 'you have got to have it all'.

Yanbu.

I often think that I must live in a different world to most MNERs. I don't know any families who allow their children to make the daft choices given in th OP. I also don't know any families who take great pride in not giving their children any choices.

I knew a couple who cut short a holiday in the country because their five month old daughter 'just wasn't happy' down there.

She must be about 13 now. I wonder how they're all getting on.

Seems all normal to me. Yuk.
I too am surrounded by this.
I find mn like it a lot too.
Over centred on the kids.
I hate it with a passion.
But I think I am in the minority.

It seems to be a swing, to the other end of the spectrum, by parents who seem to think their upbringing was a bit tougher.
Agree with poster who said it seems to be that parents want their kids to like them.
Fuck that.
Parenting is not about getting your kids to LIKE you. Since when did that become the driving force?
Hangs head and sobs with bewilderment!!

Some element of choice is fine for children. My DS is 4 and has recently chosen a new bed. However, we chose 5 we liked in our price range and he chose from them his choice was made because he liked the teddy on the bed in the photo

We may also choose 2 different campsites for a holiday and involve DS in deciding which is best for us as a family. Which has a good play ground is important if he'll spend time there but it doesn't trump decent washing facilities so he doesn't get the final choice. Does he get to decide "I want to go to Dizzy World [sic] because the boy at school is going"? No.

I'm surprised at how many parents I come into contact with never ever ever seem to say "No" to their DC at all. About anything.

And when I say NO to my young DC (e.g. DC - can we/I have sweets? - Me - No.), or even if I say "I'm talking with please wait a moment" when my DC try to interrupt me, I get looks like I might be some kind of nasty freak of a Mum. (It's OK I know I'm not)

I had a friend like this.Years later I can still remember her saying :

"The kids will 'go mad' if there is no chocolate waiting in the fridge after school"

" I've bought a tv for his room or he'll just do a runner" - said child was supposedly grounded for shoplifting from the local coop at the time (aged 9)

"I HAVE to by nike trainers for because he refuses to wear anything else" - child was 6 at the time.

"DD is shoe mad -every time I go to town I HAVE to buy her another pair" - Her DD was about 7

"DS refuses to go to bed before such and such time"
again said child was under 10

Her children would dictate ever thing from what they watched on TV to where they went on day trips.

The thing is they appeared to be a "normal" family -both parents worked,nice home etc.

The problem was they thought loving your children meant that you had to give them what they wanted,when they wanted it.
The childrens "wants"(not needs) were always put first - If DD wanted yet another pair of shoes she got them even if it meant that mum who actually needed shoes had to go without.

Fast forward 18 years :

The oldest has just got out of prison for the 3rd time (now 25)

The DD had 3 kids before the age of 21-all have now been removed by SS and she was last seen on the local police website in their "wanted " section !

DD (aged 4) is forever saying to me, when she doesn't get her own way, 'you're not my best friend!' - well, I'm not here to be your best friend, lady, I'm here to be your mother!

When appropriate, she can get a free choice, or a limited choice. But not on the things the OP has said. I would like to get her a fancy cabin-style bed as I would have loved one as a child, but that'll be mine and Dh's decision, and be dependant on what we can afford. Not something she gets a say in. But if we redecorate her room at the same time, I would give her a limited choice on what colour she could have the walls painted, for example.

I'm far too much of a control freak for that. Dd did say she would rather mash potato last night when I'd planned rice but I hadn't cooked yet so I did mash but only because it didn't actually matter in that instant.
I have a friend who let her dd choose secondary school and it baffled me - my dc will go to the school I deem appropriate although we will discuss it and her thoughts will be taken into consideration. Over all an 11 year old does not have the maturity to decide something like that on their own.
I'm assuming my dc will hate me in their teens. I love them but I am not their friend, I am their mum!