To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

OP, you HAVE to sleep. You are no good to anyone having not slept in 72 hours!

Take the bouncer upstairs to your bedroom, settle the baby in it and go to sleep.

He knows I've hardly slept for more than 72 hours and am feeling sick with exhaustion but he doesn't seem to care that much. He pretends he does but when it comes down to it he cares more about himself than us.

Well, what do you want him to do to show he cares? How do you know he's pretending?

He's in a pretty crappy situation himself. He is not getting a good night sleep, I can promise you that.

I agree with WipsGlitter, put him in the bouncy chair in the bedroom so you both can get some sleep. 72 hours of no sleep, and refusing to sleep is not a good sign.

Even if you don't feel that you would get any sleep with the baby on their tummy on you or in their cot/moses basket - you may find that the baby actually gets more rest and feels more settled. After you've seen this in effect for a while you may feel more able to try and have a snooze yourself.

To be honest you'll be so exhausted soon that you will sleep even in fits and starts so it would be better if the baby was sleeping in a position where they can't physically choke on their vomit so tummy sleeping would be better all round.

I had the same fear about tummy sleeping, particularly as she was first, but the night I tried it saved us both from months of unhappiness as she was so much happier and then by turn so was I (although she still puked a lot day and night) and screamed for several hours each night. My second was plonked on her front from the beginning btw.

It also drove me and my partner to the point of hatred (me to him!) He couldn't do anything right for doing wrong - I felt like I was completely on my own and it drove me demented. My husband also had sleep apnoea so couldn't be trusted to stay awake past 9pm or at any point during the night and I exclusively breast fed (not by choice she wouldn't take a bottle or a dummy). We are still together and fine, but sleep deprivation can make you emotionally and physically unwell - I ended up with shingles! So please try and take some of the advice on board - lots of people have been through similar and come out the other side by trying some of the things suggested - good luck!

Our dd slept on my tummy when she was just home from hospital, no harm came to her, your fears are unreasonable, you need I to not take advice so literally and try things for yourself, you can't go through life like that.

Your behaviour with your Dh has been completely unreasonable, tbh if someone spoke like that it me I would have walked too.

Her DH has had time to himself. The least he could do is watch the baby for a few hours while OP naps. Have you asked him to help OP? If not please swallow your pride. You need to rest. Or call a relative and ask if they will come over tonight or in the morning.

I think you would do well on a short course of sertraline or citalopram hun. Sounds like you have devloped a postpartum anxiety/ obsessional disorder. The sleep deprivation is dreadful for your mental health. Please go and see your gp.

I had a reflux baby so I really empathise. Why don't you put him in a cot by your bed and elevate his mattress. Have you tried mixing carobel with feeds? It's amazing stuff, and you only need the tiniest amount -try a teaspoon of it mixed with a little milk a few minutes before the next feed (ignore packet instructions as if u give too much it will fill your baby and he won't want as much milk).

Please tell your gp the following:

You are so worried your baby us going to die
You are so angry at your husband and have kicked him out because u believe he put your baby's life at risk
You are so tired and you and your husband do shifts so one of you is awake with the baby at all times

Then have a good cry.

Your gp should be able to recognise you are bit coping and refer you to counselling should you wish

It's the hormones as well isn't it? God I hated my husband the whole time I was nursing our pfb. He's finally got the woman he married back and I realise all those times I was being VU

Good luck hun.

My DD slept on my tummy for a few weeks when she was first born. I had a pillow under each arm to prop them up and put my arms around her. I slept very lightly and it seemed the obvious thing to do. I can't advise you to do the same, but I always think it is better to plan to co-sleep as safely as possible if you think that the alternative might be to accidentally fall asleep with a baby on the sofa.

OP I have a child with reflux and understand how exhausting it is.

Firstly, you need to get your anxiety sorted out, you need support. Your DH probably feels he can't do right from wrong. Does he get to make any decisions or do you just tell him what 'the rules' are and they have to be strictly followed? And then obviously things have gone a bit wrong as he's knackered too and you've massively over reacted in your sleep deprived state.

Did they actually mean that you have to sit up all night or was it maybe a comment that you've taken as set in stone. You cannot sustain this, it's unworkable without the two of you destroying each other.

No it's not recommended that a baby shouldn't be in a bouncer all night, although I haven't looked at which type you have. We tilted the mattress. However if that's what works why can't you fit a baby monitor and have baby next to you in the bedroom, if that's how your baby sleeps best rather than the two of you take turns.

I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, having a severally refluxy child is hard bloody work. My DS was also on Neocate etc.

But you also can't go on like this. Your DH does care it whatever he does in wrong in your eyes, so yes I feel sorry for him too. You're all knackered and point scoring. What you need is help and support and sleep, so get some, please.

The problem I think gator is that he could watch the baby but wants to do it his way and that's not good enough for the OP.

IMHO your baby was that seriously ill she requires 24 hour attention she would not have been discharged from hospital or you would have some sort of home care at least.

I don't think your husband put your child at risk by falling asleep.

What you are doing is not heathy you need to seek help.

Op if you are that concerned about the baby why not go to a and E? They will either monitor the baby overnight during which time you can sleep in confidence or they will discharge you - and believe me if they discharge you it's because they are confident there is no danger. So then you must allow yourself to sleep when the baby sleeps. 72 hours and no sleep is absolute madness.

Perhaps try placing baby in Moses basket which is propped up at a slight angle? If baby chokes you WILL wake up and hear it.

Can I suggest you try turning your baby onto her side just to see if that makes a difference. Turn her and then gently pat her on the back for a couple of minutes. My dd1 would be hysterical on her back but if we turned her on her side, she would be sleeping and silent within minutes and sometimes literally seconds. It was quite extraordinary. If it works, you could attach the breathing monitor, have her next to you and you could both sleep, safe in the knowledge that she would be absolutely safe.

We thought about a breathing monitor but then decided not to go with them as they drive the wrong behaviour, it makes you neurotic and you worry about all the wrong things, you need to Concentrate on the good things about your baby and stop worrying about the very unlikely things which may happen. I also think I you need to see the gp about your behaviour as it isn't normal.

I put my two reflux babies on their sides (left hand side not right as something to do with a curve in the oesophagus). This was after my first baby did choke and couldn't breath for a time. Horrible.

I concluded that this was safer than trying to sleep with them on my chest (which I did before the choking incident).

I slept with DD on ny chest too, before that she skept in a tilted chair, which I put on the bed beside me.

She would sleep for a couple of hours in her cot then when she started to scream I lifted her on to my chest. I had a v shaped pillow behind me and pillows under each arm to stop her rolling off.

Dd3 had awful silent reflux and various other issues. Our pead put her on adult Gaviscon - literally 2mls when she was tiny of Gaviscon advance. Changed our lives. It's nit licencesd for babies but it makes a huge difference and they can prescribe it off license.

See if your GP can advise but it is perfectly possible and life changing.

Dd3 is 4 now, she grew out of her reflux at approx 8 months and has never had any probs since

I'm sorry if anyone else has previously posted this - but do you have a breathing monitor alarm? we used one of the angelcare ones for DD.
It was very good, although it did go off once when i forgot to turn it off and was carrying DD down the stairs - que panic from me.

Also - if your gp is being useless then have you thought about seeing a paediatrician privately for some advice? Check out bupa or your local private hospital - an initial consultation should cost less than £200 and they can refer you back under the nhs if there is a problem and you dont have private medical insurance.

Gavisgon is the first port of call for GP's, ranitidine is what our consultant prescribed.

Actually OP - have you been to the 'little refluxers' forum? fab place to ask questions about reflux and lots of us have posted reviews about our experiences under various consultants.

DS had awful reflux, this pod seat saved my sanity and helped him so much, he was in it practically 24 hours a day at times. I really recommend it. I would go to bed and put it next to me and we could both sleep.

www.amazon.com/Leachco-Podster-Sling-Style-Infant-Lounger/dp/B003HIXOTQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1399065391&sr=1-1&keywords=leachco+podster

Oh - sorry, yup we always had 2/3 hefty text books propping up one end of babies cot. And seriously - get the breathing alarm, at least you can sleep knowing that you will be woken up in an emergency.

Op, I think you know this can't go on, for any of you. If your baby is that bad, go to a&e, they will assess, hopefully admit for at least a night. You cannot expect either yourself or your dh to keep going as you are. I'm not surprised he fell asleep, it's not that's he's uncaring or doesn't love the baby, it's just not realistic for either of you to stay up for such long periods at night with a baby.

Your comment regarding groups for your 2 year old concerns me. Forget about groups for a bit. Disney is your friend . Once your baby is better you can restart the baby groups.

Be kind to yourself, going from 1 to 2 children is tough enough as it is, let alone a baby with severe reflux. Call upon and accept as much help as you can from family and friends, demand action from your gp and Hv, be honest with them as to how you are feeling.

It will get better.