To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

I think you are severely sleep deprived and you need to make an emergency appt with your GP in the morning. Call your dh now and have a good cry with him, tell him how you feel.

I felt similar when dd was little (and ds a toddler) and she also had reflux and vomited a lot in her sleep, copious amounts, a doctor told me their reflex is to turn their head to the side.

Whether this is true or not it is not sustainable to always have someone watching him all the time, it really isn't and you need to stamp your feet and shout to get the help you all need.

Seriously this was me 3 years ago, it was horrific.

The baby is on Neocate formula (supposed to be the best for babies with allergies), Omeprazole AND ranitidine as he is so bad (neither worked on their own), domperidone and carobel mixed with his milk to stop him projectile vomiting every bottle. I don't think there is anywhere to go from here as we are on all the recommended meds. He will only drink 3oz each feed so feeds often.

If I could just get him down in a cot we could sleep as I have an Angelcare monitor but I can't, I try and try and he just screams (I can see all the acid bubble into his mouth).

The hospital hasn't really offered me any help regarding the sleeping situation. They just say he shouldn't be sleeping in a bouncy chair but when I say someone is watching him all night they say that's ok then.

Being practical right now.

You cannot stay awake 24 hours a day indefinitely yourself, so if your DH is not there, what are you going to do? Eventually you will become so tired both your lovely children are going to be at risk.

I get that you are terrified for your baby but like others have said, you need medical help to manage this problem, please please see your doctor ASAP.

Have you actually put your DH out? Do you know where he is?

Couldn't he sleep in a swing or chair fixed in position with a Snuza monitor? That way you've got a monitor to alert you but he doesn't have to be laid flat.

I think yabu and overreacting. However as others have said it is understandable as you must be exhausted. I really don't think you should carry on with this arrangement please go to the GP or hospital and get some advice on what you should be doing.

You sound like me when my youngest was a small baby. She is now 2.5 and fine. When I first saw this thread I thought maybe your Dh had allowed your dc to run out into the road or something, rather than that he was tired and fell asleep.

Now that you have thrown him out, as you feel the baby needs watching all of the time, when exactly are you meant to get any sleep?

You are clearly exhausted, but so is your Dh. If it gives you peace of mind, by all means get a breathing monitor, but please get a GP appointment both for yourself and the baby and don't make long term decisions regarding a relationship when you are both sleep deprived and stressed.

Hi. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had two children with severe reflux and it can destroy you.

Babyreflux.co.uk has lots of advice and products which can help. But you also need to see your GP for a referral to a paediatrician. Some GPs know about reflux and some are crap and think it's just a bit of spitting up.

My first baby didn't sleep at all for months as she just screamed and vomited and had to be upright at all times. It nearly killed me.

I had a lot more knowledge and experience with the next one and got a referral at 2 weeks old. I bought a wedge and a couple of sleep positioning systems. One was like a couple of little rolls you lie them on their side in between and with a wedge as well I could sometimes get her to sleep. (I held her upright for 40 minutes after every feed tho - and yes I know they can feed every 2 hours when tiny.). When she was a but bigger I had a sort of sheet harness that you strap them into so they stay in the right position on the wedge (otherwise they just tumble down). You can get quite steep wedges but they need a positioned to hold them in place so they don't tumble off and get hurt.

Also meds can help. I found gaviscon from the GP no use at all but mine were pretty severe. We ended up on loads of strong meds from the paediatric team and they helped a bit.

It's so hard but I would try not to make any big relationship decisions right now. Could you get someone to watch the baby in the day while you sleep?

Reflux almost always gets much better as they get bigger but there is a lot you can do to manage it. The bouncy chair isn't the answer I'm afraid. (But I know why you're doing it as you really can't lie them flat). Also don't forget to tilt change mat too (you can even get change mat wedges and play may wedges).

Good luck.

Can you speak to another paediatrician at the hospital? They have to do something. Could you look into the wedges (if you haven't already?).

Do you have any friends you could trust the DC with of an evening so you can get a few hours sleep? It's not a long term solution but you must try to sleep no matter how hard.

Oh, I really feel for you, I've been there and know how awful it is.

you poor thing, it sounds to me like you are trying to do your best in impossible circumstances. make some calls in the morning to get more help.

where is DH now? if you ask him back to help with the night shift tonight will he come?

Have you tried getting the baby to sleep on its side rather than the back.

Have you looked into safe sleeping solutions for reflux babies? A friend bought a baby hammock and said the difference was remarkable. There are other good options for reflux babies - as others have said, even propping the cot securely can make a big difference.

You sound utterly exhausted and at the end of your rope, and I'm sure your DH is too. I know from bitter experience that a couple of nights of decent sleep don't negate the effect of months of bad sleep, in fact sometimes it can make you more tired until your body clock gets used to the bad sleep again. I think YABU but it's completely understandable.

It's not alright though is it?

You can't possibly continue in this way.

Please think about doing the following:

1. Call your DH and get him back home. You need to be a team. You can't look after the LO right through the night. You can't care for either child and are putting yourself and them at risk. You must remember your health is important too.
2. Both of you go to the GP tomorrow and get some advice.
3. Look at some of the sleeping options other posters have suggested. You need to stop using the chair. This is likely to mean the situation gets worse before it gets better. I think your DH should ideally take some time off work if at all possible whilst you get the LO into a new routine, if not do you have a friend who can give you a few hours respite during the day?

Op I feel really sorry for you. Ds was similar and we also got no help, the medical professionals are too worried about covering their arses and won't give any practical advice.

With ds I ended up putting him to sleep on his tummy which I know goes against all the advice, but we had an angel care monitor and it was either that or him squirming all night every night.

FWIW dd was in special care when born and she also has reflux, they put her in her tummy to sleep, when I queried why - I was told it helps refluxy babies and its ok because she's hooked up to the machines! They also had her incubator at a near 45 degree angle.

They will never advocate it, but you need to make a judgement call. I'm sure your dh didn't mean to fall asleep but when you're as tired as you are you probably can't help it.

You could maybe try sleeping on their side if your bit happy with the tummy option and really sloping the cot.

Thank you all for your supportive and balanced responses. I do appreciate them so much.

I have no idea if I have PND. I have been depressed once previously in my life after years of infertility and miscarriages. I don't feel like I did then as I seriously contemplated suicide at that point.

I am a very anxious mother. With my DD I hardly slept, had her on all sorts of breathing monitors, checked her 10 times a night etc. This only got better when she hit 1 year old and passed the major risk time for cot death. (She is still on an Angelcare monitor though )

I suppose that deep down I feel as if we have cheated nature by having our 2 children as it tried so damned hard to make sure we never had any and made the path so difficult and heartbreaking. I worry that they will be taken away from me.

Oh you poor thing. DD had terrible reflux and at its height it all but took away my sanity. I propped up the mattress in her cot at one end with encyclopedias beneath it (no wedges available 9 years ago!) and that helped a lot. She was sick, but she turned her head when she vomited and I just went through a lot of muslins (kept one tucked in over the sheet at head level and would whip it off if she'd had a vom).

It is horrible, it is very scary, you need to go back to your doctor/specialist and stamp your feet till you get some more help. You sound like you've tried everything and are at the end of your tether.

Wrt your DD's baby classes - would it hurt to drop one or two (I don't know how many you take her to but it sounds from your OP like you're running yourself ragged)? Just to give you some breathing space?

I ended up with PND characterised by extreme anxiety about DD and my ability to look after her/her condition and I HATED DH at that point because he got to feck off to a nice office and get coffee and go on business trips and SLEEP, so I feel your rage, but I'm not sure that chucking him out at the moment is going to make matters improve in terms of getting you the help you need.

(The porn thing would be a big issue for me, tbh. What is often diagnosed as PND can often be a perfectly logical symptom of feeling like you have no support or respect at home... )

Sorry I see you're on lots of meds already. Position management is key then (and we found more useful).

Sling or upright in bouncer as much as possible when you are awake. Try not to lie her down at all after a feed. Only change her on a propped up or wedged mat.

It sounds like you need a sleep harness and very high wedge. Def try the specialist websites. You can't watch her 24 hours a day. You need a different set up - more kit, more support etc.

It will get better.

Sweetie, where's your dh now? However mad at him you are, you need help and as the other parent he should be allowed to give it. Even if you are so angry, you need someone with you. Its too hard.

Go straight to the gp in the morning, and ask to see someone as a matter of urgency. Wait in reception.

A bouncy chair isn't working if someone has to stay awake all night.

You both sound so sleep deprived and no one can think properly. There's a reason its used for torture:(

There is a thread here for reflux babies, have you posted on it? It is very helpful. Post now if you can. If it all gets too much in the night, call the gp 24 hour number for help. Its not wasting time and you are very deserving of help

I presume he's on prescription formula for his CMPI? Nutramigen or the other one (I forget the name)? If he's on the right combination of meds and formula then I would hope that his reflux would be settling down. If it isn't then that really should be looked into.

I really hope you get some rest soon.

Get back to the doctors and start banging on doors, this isn't workable for any of you. After a few weeks sleep deprivation I could quite easily have thumped my husband - it turns us into different people.

DS1 slept propped for the first year due to severe silent reflux. What meds are you giving your baby? Our son slept in his Uppa Baby Vista stroller, which was fantastic as it has three different gradient settings.

Silent reflux practically drove me insane, so I know how you feel.

The anxiety and worry is quite common (and understandable) but it isn't healthy for you. Please speak to a doctor or a trusted medical professional. They won't judge you for feeling the way you do, but they can help you cope with it.

Let DH home tonight (does he have work tomorrow?) You both need to rest.

Yes, DH has gone I don't know where.

OP - worried about you tonight.

Have you got anyone who can help you through the night if you don't feel able to get DH back?

No, I have no one to help me tonight. It's just me and the children now.

It's expensive but how about something like this so you can keep the baby in a cot next to your bed?
www.babyreflux.co.uk/tucker-sling-and-cot-wedge