To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

You do need to ring your husband though- I'm not sure staying awake all night is going to be realistic for anyone.

If you can get a referral for
dr thomson Sheffield children's hospital. That man is a life saver!

It's a viscous circle for you at the moment, the anxiety made worse by sleep deprivation and the sleep deprivation made worse by the anxiety.

My ds1 horrific reflux. That was 15 years ago and I still remember the utter helplessness because there's nothing you can do to make them more comfortable.

The only way ds1 could sleep was on a wedge on his front. I know that babies are not supposed to sleep like that, it is not recommended but it was the only way he slept for more than 15 minutes.

I think your DH probably did not want to upset you further by pointing out that you do not need to be awake all night whilst the baby is sleeping, you do not need to be watching the whole time.
I guess that given how you feel at the moment, if he had said that to you, it would have made things worse.

But you honestly cannot go on like this, it isn't going to be sustainable.

OP,the projectile vomiting worries me.Had this 40 years ago with a little boy,who is now a wonderful man.

We were in a Hell of sleep deprivation,piles of sour milk washing that you could smell way down the student flats' corridor .

It was piloric stenosis and a very small op. sorted it.Wish I was near to come and help you.So horrible and I will be thinking of you.

Big Hug. My DS had reflux and it drives you bonkers.

See your GP. Get a sleep wedge and try this to strap your baby on www.safetsleep.com/

Ask for support from anyone who loves you. DM me if you want or keep coming back to the board. Reflux is TOUGH.

Have you spoken to your DH yet?

Try to mend this bridge before it burns down completely. It doesn't sound like you can do this alone.

Falling asleep is so easy to do when you are sleep deprived, especially of he has a medical condition.

You must forgive and move on, for your sanity and the well-being of your child.

Hello, I think there are a few issues that you need to sort out:

First off, lots of good advice here on reflux, only advice I have is give things time to work, lots of chopping and changing can make things worse. Hopefully the GP will help, do you have the resources to go privately to speed things up at all? As the PP says have they checked for pyloric stenosis? Is the baby thriving? Or losing weight?

I think you have health anxiety, there was a thread on here a while ago where people talked about this. It would be worth seeking counselling for this as I can very easily dominate your life and it is exhausting worrying all the time.

Your DP: to be honest I don't blame him, you're knackered, but so is he. I don't know how you were not dropping off when on your shift watching the baby. It would be impossible to hold down a full time job outside the home on such little sleep. I know you are angry with him, but you really need to work together on this one. Have you been in touch with him at all? I think he was probably just going along with what you wanted as he could see how stressed it was making you.

gotthemoononastick I was thinking of the possibility of pyloric stenosis too.

I can't believe it's necessary for the baby to be watched 24/7, unless the doctor says so, and somehow I doubt they would.

I'm not sure unreasonable is the right word but i think you have realised that without him there at all you won't be getting any sleep if you stay up to look after your baby.

I do sympathize with you though, my now 8 year old had bad reflux. On many occasions she aspirated the milk into her lungs and stopped breathing, the first time it happened was when she was 6 days old. I was like you, we had to look after her in shifts as i didn't want to leave her alone in case she stopped breathing. I did get a breathing monitor from the children's nurses at home team as they looked after my terminally ill on when he was alive so i contacted them and they gave me one to use. I found it reassuring so i could at least leave the room to go to the toilet.

I also found those cot wedges that may be an idea for you?

*terminally ill son. Annoying iPhone.

Could Homestart help with this situation? Just someone to watch the baby in the day while OP sleeps?

I think if a baby needs to be watched 24/7 it should be in hospital. Thats the kind of demand that is why we have an NHS and Social Care.

OP please tell your health professionals some of what you have said on here, and refuse to leave until you get some help. You cannot cope with so little sleep, no one can. Your anxiety seems extreme to me, but they need to give you and your baby more help.

god poor you. Sounds absolutely awful. I think the person in need of help here is you - reflux is awful and I had all the wedges and whatnot as well for my DS plus endless meds. But I didn't ever think he was going to die. Thinking your children are going to be taken away from you in the blink of an eye is really not normal and that, I think, is at the heart of this. You've obviously been through some very traumatic times so you have a good idea where this is coming from. I think help for you is the first port of call.

Every day that passes your baby is getting older and at some point he will grow out of the most severe phase of this and you will be able to put him in a cot and leave him there for 12 hours. How will you get to that point with your current levels of anxiety?

FWIW I don't think it's to do with your husband (except in that he's not helping you address what I think is the real issue). Hope you can reconnect and find a way through this as a family. Good luck (and congratulations on the new baby!) Your message didn't sound like a congratulations moment but actually you have the family you always dreamt of and fought for - they are not going to be taken from you. You need to find a way to enjoy them.

Hi OP. Glad you got some re stand that your sister if going to help out today.

Good on you for getting a GP appointment. I hope that proves helpful.

It's actually a good sign that you acknowledge your anxiety. With everything you are going through and have experienced it's not a surprising reaction. However it is not going to be helped by exhaustion.

Has your DH been in contact yet? I understand how cross you must feel but I really think you need to find a way to pull together if at all possible.

As a pp mentioned, the charity Home-Start could be brilliant for you. I work for them and they really are an amazing charity. A volunteer would come to play with your dd and look after baby while you get some sleep. See if there is one in your area.

My DD had reflux. She was my first and i couldnt believe she was still alive on the bit of milk she managed to keep down. It became better around the 4 month mark and now she is a very healthy 10 year old who is hardly ever sick.

you could ask for baby to go into hospital overnight to be monitored so that the paediatrician can a) see exactly how bad the problem is and b) advise exactly how he should sleep and tell you if bouncy chair is ok or not. the one you linked too looks fine. push for doctors to get more involved, don't just handle it yourself.

a sleep study/over night monitoring by nurses could be worthwhile.

if he needs 24 hour monitoring by an awake human then ask about NHS/social care/ providing nurses a few nites a week.

it is unsustainable for you and h to be up all night. it just isn't feasible.

DS struggled with reflux too (nowhere near as bad as yours though) and couldn't sleep on his back. The only way he'd sleep properly (and for longer periods) was froggystyle (on his tummy) on my tummy/chest - basically same position as in a carrier/sling. Usually for his naps while I'd be awake, but sometimes at night.

Until you get some equipment sorted, you could try similar. Prop yourself up so you're comfortable and semi-upright and put him on you. Make sure you're in the middle of a big bed or something so he can't roll off and hurt himself, and try to get some rest too. While not ideal, I found that if tired enough I could sleep in any position, and I'd still sleep lightly enough that any movement or whimper from him would wake me up. He never fell off and I never moved in my sleep (and I usually do!).

You poor thing. I had a reflux baby, and just couldn't have coped with another small child as well. I want to give you a cuddle, I really do!

OK, this isn't the official advice, just my experience/opinion, but from about 4 weeks to about 14 weeks my reflux baby slept on my chest, sort of strapped on with a stretchy blanket, with me in a dressing gown, and the duvet only up to my knees.
He just couldn't sleep on his back, and I couldn't relax if I had him in the cot/propped, any of that stuff you can buy (wedges or whatever).
When he was on my chest, he could sleep, and so could i (probably not as deeply, but still sleep).
He started to slip off once, and I woke up immediately. I think when they sleep on their tummies ON you, they are much safer than if they are on their tummies in a cot.
But, again, just my opinion.
It did save my sanity though. At the end of the day, you need to look after your children's mum.
x

The baby does not need 24 hour monitoring, it is the OP's anxiety that is influencing this. As her husband has been asleep while monitoring and nothing has happened it kind of proves the point that it's not actually necessary.

Echoing others' thoughts - you sound exhausted.
I am sorry your DH fell asleep, but even with two nights away he cannot help it if the urge to sleep overwhelms him, especially if he has low testosterone and is on treatment for this - it will take a while to take full effect. It is pretty unfair to call him a wuss because he is tired.
Furthermore, this situation is, as others have said, not sustainable for either of you.
I would def return to the hospital and ask for advice for your baby and sleeping positions, etc. and take a trip to your GP for yourself.
Some thoughts on sleeping for a reflux baby would include Work out a reflux-friendly sleeping position. While it is always safest to put infants under six months of age to sleep on their backs to reduce the risk of SIDS, babies with severe reflux often sleep more comfortably and safely on their tummies, or on their left side. (When sleeping on the left side, the gastric inlet is higher than the outlet, which helps gravity keep the food down.) Discuss with your doctor whether the reflux is severe enough to warrant tummy sleeping. Otherwise put your baby to sleep on her back. Other reflux-lowering helpers are:
Elevate the head of baby’s crib thirty degrees.
A reflux wedge.
Something like The Tucker Sling - www.tuckerdesigns.com a which Dr Sears advocates (not sure about where to get one in the uk).

Lots of baby wearing during the day can help with reflux too, keeping the baby upright.

I hope you find some answers, and find a way to sort things out with DH. You are both under so much pressure and sound like you must hardly ever have time for each other. It is hard to stay level headed when you are tired, and difficult to feel loving towards someone when you are exhausted and feel unsupported. But as they say, this too, shall pass. It sounds like you both just need more support and better medical advice.

Oh, here you go - the tucker sling and wedge in have uk.
www.babyreflux.co.uk/tucker-sling-and-cot-wedge

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time op. Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread, my son had very severe reflux and I still find it quite traumatic to read about others going through a similar time.
I was another who had to hold my baby upright, for 30 mins after each feed to try to minimise his refluxing. Frequently he would want fed again before I had even had a chance to get back in to bed. Our hospital was very clear about propping him up though, even with wedges, never mind in a bouncy chair. It was a complete no-no. Babies grow when they are lying flat and we could seriously have affected his growth using a wedge. We were advised to prop the end of his mattress up with books and roll a towel up and put it in a U shape under the sheet to support his bottom so he didn't slide down the bed. We still had a horrendous time, and were even offered respite care. You have my every sympathy.
The meds obviously don't have the reflux under control yet. We found that gaviscon was useless by itself, but in combination with (adult strength doses) the other medicines you mention it was the thing which finally helped keep the milk in his tum.
Good luck op x