To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

Our dd has slept on her tummy since she wks about 6weeks old, she would roll I over and pull a cover over her head, we would take the cover off and she would pull it back... I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Hell yes to tummy sleeping. As soon as my little refluxer learned to roll, he slept on his tummy-and slept right through. In fact, the first time, I awoke after having 8 hours unbroken sleep, and was convinced he had died in the night. I went into his room, saw him lying there on his tummy and went cold. But he was just fast asleep!
If you can't bring yourself to do that, I also think, from experience, that on your tummy is perfectly fine. You are so tuned in to them that way.
This too shall pass OP, and I am so glad you are feeling more positive. A bit more sleep and all will seem brighter. Reflux is awful, but they do grow out of it.
Also, don't forget to let the baby play on his tummy, as it strengthens the muscles in the diaphram (I seem to recall) and helps them grow out of it.
You are a good mummy, and doing all you can, so give yourself a break, Ok?

Re. tummy sleeping, thirty years ago we were all supposed to make our babies sleep on their tummies as that was the recommended position, so honestly I don't think the risk from tummy sleeping is that great and if it gives the baby and you relief, go for it.

OP, I've read several of your posts and I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. DS1 had silent reflux and I had trouble bonding with him for the first three months as I felt I just wanted to run away. I tried to do everything by the guidelines but when he hit 13 pounds and I couldn't carry him night and day in a sling/ have him sleeping on me any longer, I put him to sleep on his stomach. My life was transformed immediately. I got enough sleep to let me feel some emotion again and although I was anxious (I suffer from anxiety) I kept reminding myself with a breathing monitor nothing would happen without me knowing. I got through, and I hope you will too - you're doing so well, and you're such a caring mum. Your whole family needs you.

Oh good, glad things are improving. :)

Had a lovely wine and pizza evening as 2 year old was in bed for 7pm then watched Gogglebox as needed a laugh.

Between us, I.e. Standing next to the crib for an hour holding his dummy in, we managed to get him to sleep on his back in his crib at 8.30 then both went to bed together for the first time in 10 weeks!!

He's just woken for a feed so don't know how successful we'll be at getting him back off. He only drinks 3oz every feed so don't think he can go very long between feeds yet.

Thanks for all your good wishes x

Really pleased for you-hold onto the thought of tonight for when you have another bad one-eventually the good ones will outnumber the bad.
And he won't remember any of it.

Great news, OP. Well done, you should be really proud of yourself.

"together" - what a success!

Hope you had an easier night and that the future looks brighter

maybe that's the way to go ...

Sleep on his tummy day time when you are about as that will give his oesophagus time to heal and he will get sleep and stop getting over tired.

Having never suffered from depression or serious anxiety I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but surely he'd be safe sleeping on his tummy with the angel care monitor on? If he starts to have problems breathing then the alarm will go off and wake you and you'll be able to attend to him. I could never get either of mine to sleep on their backs as they'd just wake straight away as soon as they were out down, and I was a quivering wreck the first night we did it. But we went out the next day and got an angelcare monitor and have had pretty good sleepers since.

I hope you manage to get some good sleep.

So pleased to see your update OP, good work. Really hope you get help from the paedeatrician this week. Good luck.

Your partner has been working. Conferences while on the outside seem cushty are horrible and exhausting. You are also exhausted
Your baby isn't at risk. You both need sleep. You sound rather dramatic tbh and at the end of your tether. I reckon you need to visit your gp as tbh you don't sound very well.

What your family has been going through must be so difficult, OP. I'm so glad things sound a little more positive in your last post.

I just wanted to say, if sleeping on his tummy seems to help so much go with it. The increased risk of cot deaths is so marginal that researchers needed to look at many thousands of cases to detect any difference at all. Nobody knew which was safer for thousands of years, and many generations of people survived into adulthood.

The risks associated with the sleep deprivation you have been going through are massively higher.

Look, your way isn't working obviously so let husband have a go for a few days, so what if the baby won't sleep, he isnt now!

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby laying on his tummy to sleep, all of mine were more comfy that way. Next week the guidelines will change again and if will be best for them to sleep standing on their heads or something silly. Just go with what your baby likes and rip up the advice mags.

and be kind to each other, and lean on each other

Glad to see your more positive updates. I do hope it continues.

Thinking back almost 19 years to when I had my first daughter, I do remember one couple from our antenatal class whose baby had bad reflux, and also colic. Their baby either had to sleep on her tummy or none of them ever got any sleep. It all boiled down to that, and no harm was done.

When I had my second daughter (now 15) several years later I got to know another lady whose daughter had severe reflux as a baby. Same story. The baby usually had to sleep on her tummy. No harm done there either, and the baby is now a strapping 15 year old with no lasting problems.

I am glad your husband is back. Keep being kind to yourself and to each other. It is a phase, and a very difficult one. From what I have seen though, they do tend to outgrow it eventually.

Hi MrsSB - how's it going now?

All 3 of mine were tummy sleepers x

Sorry if I'm x posting, op you need an Angelcare monitor. Really helps anxiety!