To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

You are right, I have lost perspective. I can't cope and I don't know what to do for the best. I have tried my very best but I'm just not good enough. You are also right that I am being unreasonable. I know that deep down and I am sure that DH doesn't want to be with someone as barmy as me.

We have had a chat and I've apologised. He would be better off without me.

Please make an appointment with your GP. I also had thoughts that my sons and husband would be better off without me. It was a sign of my significant PND, but I could only see this after i got better.

He wouldn't be better without you. Your child needs you. You also both need sleep. You can get through this.....together

You've been through (and are still going through) a lot.

The only thing you have done is your very best to keep your baby safe. You have lost a bit of perspective due to anxiety and sleep deprivation, as many of us on here have done.

Did you talk to your GP about how you are feeling or just about the baby?

OP - DS had terrible reflux and we also had him sleep in a bouncy chair by our bed for quite a while - over 3 months, IIRC. I don't see a problem with that.

However, you must sleep when your baby sleeps. It is unreasonable to expect your DH or yourself to stay up in shifts every night, watching your baby sleep. You would wake up if he regurgitates and starts to choke.

I hope the paediatrician can put your mind to ease and offer treatment/management methods.

You are not barmy OP you're exhausted and desperately worried about your baby. Please keep pushing for help from the GP/hospital. Get your DH to take the children tomorrow as much as possible so you can sleep. It will make such a difference to you.

Oh MrsSB, I feel so much for you, for your baby and DH. You are all going through a really hard time. I hope you can all get some sleep and some help.

OP neither of mine had reflux but the only way we got through the first 6-8 weeks was because they slept on my chest - tummy to tummy so to speak, with the boob at hand when they needed it. I was always elevated to 45 degrees. It wasn't, I don't believe,regarded as a danger nearly 20 years ago and I felt safe with them in my arms and safer than I would have if they'd been up all night screaming. Mine simply wouldn't sleep in the cot or the moses basket on their own or by our side and simply screamed and fussed and screamed and fussed and seemed in severe distress like that. I concluded they had been within me for several months and weren't ready to leave my skin. I remember those sofa days as quite quite special to be honest - so full of love and new baby smell if not the best ever sleep in the world.

Your Dh has come home, he is trying and you need help and support more specialist than the love he can give. My babies btw were the result of many many unsuccessful pregnancies and yet we all survived. I wasn't the perfect mother and they weren't the perfect babies yet I grieved for the perfection I had dreamt of but had to face the reality of needy babies, an exhausted frame and a DH who was a bit of a bloke and not especially empathetic because although he loved us to bits he didn't know what to do.

God luck - You will be fin Im sure.

You are not barmy.

You are terribly sleep deprived and suffering from anxiety.

Your DH is struggling to cope with this situation as much as you it would seem to me - but you are having a different response to the situation.

You can't go on like this.

I would suggest you show your DH this thread. I have never suggested that before but in your case I think it would help him understand and I worry that you are too exhausted to explain how you feel to him face to face.

Maybe other posters have a view on this suggestion? It's not something I suggest lightly.

You ARE more than good enough for your family, you're heavily sleep deprived and it is horrible- it's used as a torture method for a reason.

You ABU for calling yourself barmy and saying your DH would be better off without you. You certainly are not barmy at all and this is a very tough day.

I hope you are sleeping now, please don't get yourself hospitalised due to lack of sleep.

You are not Barmy, you desperately need help for your anxiety, both you and your Dh need sleep was well.

Hi I had a baby without reflux but we still stayed up in shifts with him for about two weeks as he wouldn't be put down without screaming. Looking back it was madness (ds 8mths now). At the time it seemed right tho! I cant imagine how much worse it would be with such severe reflux I really feel for you.

I think you were unreasonable to dh but understandably so given the lying about the sleep, he should have spoken to you. I also still sometimes get the rage when ive been up with baby 5 times in night and then dh will sigh and say he is tired.

Hope your dh is giving you time to sleep now.

darling your not barmy - you are totally exhausted. This will get better, and you will get through it. Having a baby with reflux is just awful but it passes and you'll be fine. Ask for help from anyone who might give you a few hours to sleep. Most people like the chance to help out if they can. Fingers crossed that you get your appointment through quickly and can access some proper support.

OP hope the fact you are not posting is because you are getting some sleep

I could be repeating what others have said but if I am, well I suppose it'll reassure you that if you do this there's another baby that came to no harm from it.

When DS was born he simply would not settle in his moses basket, after each night feed no matter how long we winded and soothed him, he would cough, splutter and fuss quite alarmingly when placed on his back in his basket. The first time my OH did a night shift and told me the next day they'd both slept on the sofa, with DS face-sideways on his chest, tummy to tummy I got the full rage. Then I realised that my DS came to no harm and that I could trust my OH.

Until DS was about 8wks old I ended up sleeping on the sofa, propped up a little, with DS and myself sleeping the best, most relaxed 7hr sleep we both had (I'd prop a pillow under my left arm and gently wrap a baby blanket of DS and tuck it under myself to hold him snuggly in place).

I eventually was able to get him back in his moses and as DS grows like a weed, transferred him to his cot at 3.5 months.

Trust me when I say - as others have done - you will wake if your baby splutters. I used to be a dead to the world sleeper, now whilst I can still sleep through my student neighbours parties, not to mention the idiot who has the over sensitive car alarm which goes off every night, I have this weird ability to snap awake instantly the minute DS snuffles. The night DS had a case of the farts meant I was waking every 5 minutes, my hearing was so tuned to him!

It could be worth asking your HV about Baby Massage Classes. She kindly rang the lady in my area who called me in a few days later for a one on one lesson for reflux / colic massage and this helped so much. We've since been able to get on the proper course as it is extremely popular and it really does work.

You and your husband are both struggling right now, yes he broke your trust but its worth remembering that whilst he did fall asleep, no harm came to your little one - focus on the positive there, not the What Could Have Happened.
The two of you can come back from this. It won't be instant, it may not even be a few weeks, but keep talking to each other and you'll both get there eventually.

Why have you put this in AIBU? Yes YABVU, but that is not important, you need help right now. You need to go to your GP, you sound very depressed and you don't seem to be coping.

OP your family won't be better off with out you and you are not barmy. Just sleep deprived and exhausted and trying to do your best.

Good morning OP, how are things today?

Amazing advice about reflux here. You sound exhausted, my love. As well as getting help for your baby please, please go back to the gp for yourself. The anxiety and lack of self worth you're feeling is not right.You said that 'you're not good enough': I felt exactly like this with both my dcs and often felt very anxious. And I didn't have the worry and total sleep deprivation you're experiencing.

It sounds to me that you may have pnd, even if the hv said you were fine. It is very easy to become so well-read we can answer those pnd questions with the answers we think we need to give.

I had a lovely hv who said something that has always stuck with me: we're not superwomen, and we don't have to be superwomen. It's perfectly fine to wear your knickers inside your trousers!

You're doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. Go easy on yourself (perhaps drop a coulple of activities with your eldest?) and do all you can to make every day a little easier for yourself for now - cbeebies is your friend! And please go back to the Gp for YOU.

Have a lovely unmumsnetty hug too.

Hope you got some sleep op.

sillylass - you're absolutely right, and I regret my choice of words but o meant it on the sincerest way as I've been there with pnd. Apologies: I certainly didn't mean it as a criticism in any way. Sorry to the OP too.

I'd be pissed off if my DH happily let me do the shift in the middle of the night when he'd been asleep for his 'shift' anyway and pretended he hadn't. Very selfish of him when he knows how exhausted you are. It's one thing everyone telling you to get some sleep but your DH is not helping you to do that, can he really not watch his baby for just a short while so you can sleep and get some energy?

The fact that he was able to sleep in the room with the baby must mean the baby too was asleep so that's something, the baby can sleep in the bouncy chair which sounds more like a tilted carrycot, just keep using that if it worked before.

You do need to address your anxiety though. Your instincts are awry. I always wanted children and was convinced I wouldn't be able to because I wanted them so much. My big brother died a month into trying for a first baby and 11 months later had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I knew I would. I got pregnant soon after and was convinced something awful would happen again and sometimes even thought it wasn't real. I often believed my baby would die because I was so scared of that or that when it came to labour they would say there was actually no baby. People often commented how small my bump was and I thought they knew something I didn't but I never said anything in case people thought I was stupid. I had a hypnosis session as part of nhs antenatal services ostensibly for pain relief but I couldn't have given a shit about the pain. The others were there for that. I wanted to stop my negative thoughts. It really helped but I did my visualisation homework regularly. My baby's a 9 year old boy now!

What I'm saying is, your gut isn't always right, you do deserve your babies and loving them doesn't have to mean sacrificing yourself. Modern medicine has changed the course of many people's lives for the better, my sister relies on insulin to live, I work with disabled children who rely on modern technology, they are all as sure as hell meant to be here and you are a mum, a really caring one and you always will be one.

OP, I had a baby with severe reflux too who wouldn't sleep flat and spent time doing shifts with husband, hardly getting any sleep. I really feel for you and have registered on here just to respond to your post. The positive thing is you know what is causing your baby's discomfort and are already under care of the hospital. Please push the hospital consultant to advise you on safe sleeping for your baby, they may be able to give or recommend a sleep wedge/positioner and also to review the meds he is on if they are not working (Lanzoprazole changed our lives but different meds work for different children). I ended up co-sleeping, propped up in bed with baby on my chest, guard rails in place, just to get through it. I know how lonely it can feel, and how hard it can be on a relationship - despite having no other problems, dealing with the sleep deprivation, new baby and reflux almost tore me and DH apart. It is not just you and no-one would be better off without you. Could your DH take some time off work so you can try to rest in the day - not a long term solution but it might help you in the short term?

My reflux baby slept on my chest in the beginning too. It's not ideal but it's safer than not sleeping and making some terrible mistake through sheer exhaustion.