To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

sillylass I think that's very true. Feeding problems do something to us - echoing ancestral fears of babies just dying from lack of nutrition. That we now live in a world of 24 hour medical care when we need it does not ease our primal fear.

Get back in touch with your DH asap, throwing him out was a crap move that solved nothing.

Sleep deprivation can lead to many irrational decisions, this was one of the.

I agree with those posters who say that maybe he was dealing with your baby's problems in a way that he felt suitable. He has that right.

You need a proper sleep and a night in with your DH. You loved him once...

Please try to forgive your husband. You need him now more than ever, and the situation without him is not sustainable at all.

Medical conditions such as low hormone levels can cause exhaustion. Maybe he was trying to help in the only way he could. His methods may be different from yours, but I am sure he is well intentioned.

Have you managed to see your GP? I think that is very urgent, as you sound totally all in and you could do with any help they can offer.

I'm very sorry about your baby, but don't quite see how throwing your husband out is going to make your life any easier. he didn't fall asleep on purpose, did he? how are you going to get any sleep without him there? I don't think this sounds very wise. And he is the children's father after all.

I have been to the GP and he has done an urgent referral to paeds so I should get an appointment next week. I am going to video him at his worst when the acid bubbles out of his mouth so they can see how bad he is. Hubby has just come in and gone upstairs so I guess we'll be having a talk later. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I have learnt so much about reflux!!!!

So glad your GP sees the urgency of this. Do you feel up to giving your DH a hug?
I hope you all get some rest tonight and a solution very soon.

I'm not going to comment on the relationship side. Definitely not my strong point.

However, our Dd had reflux, not as bad as yours by the sounds of it.

However, I coslept with her propped on her side against me, that way if she was sick I would wake straight away and she wouldn't choke.

It worked for us and allowed me some sleep.

Sounds like you are having a really hard time OP and trying to survive on little or no sleep must be really tough. Glad you have appointment and hope you get this resolved. I would ask for a monitor to help to alleviate some of your anxiety and hopefully allow you to get some sleep.

OP, if all the meds and the neocate have not stopped or eased the reflux, has anyone suggested pyloric stenosis?

it might be worth asking about it if no-one has brought it up (pardon the pun)

I had a terrible reflux baby who is now a strapping 5 year old. Everything was covered in puke and the whole house stank of putrid milk.

When she was really little I had to hold her upright after every feed (and she fed through the night until I stopped breast feeding at 13 months) for about 30 - 45 mins to help her digest before she lay down or sat or crawled as she got older which really helped. I also used to let her sleep on me on her tummy which helped but I found I couldn't really sleep that well - although any sleep is better than none.

But the thing that really helped (my sanity) was placing her on her tummy in the moses basket then later cot to sleep it was a revelation - physiologically if she puked lying on her tummy it was just a case of pukey sheets rather than choking - which meant I could sleep right next to her - she in her moses basket next to me with one end raised slightly. When she puked it always woke me up - I think you just never really sleep deeply again once you have kids do you!

I know you're seeing the paeds next week, but maybe you could try her on her tummy next to you for a few hours while you're awake to see how it goes. I hope you get some answers and things get better for you soon.

Well tonight has been awful! Baby has screamed blue murder for hours. DH and I are sitting in stony silence and he has now decided that we should put him in his cot and both go to sleep which is all very well and good but he just screams in his cot! So now thanks to him I am getting zero sleep instead of the few hours I had been getting. Well he's definitely won now as he can't settle the baby when he's this distraught after attempting the cot so I'm stuck up with him all night and DH might as well go to bed for yet another good night's sleep.

I know it's hard, but you need to stop scoring points. I repeat what I said earlier - GET A HAMMOCK

what meds is he on?

Would you try sleeping with him on your chest for tonight? I had to do this for the first couple of weeks with DS2 as he wouldn't sleep in his cot/on his back. I propped myself up in the middle of the bed (DP slept elsewhere) with pillows all around.

Glad you got your urgent referral.

Your husband will not be getting a good night's sleep. Have you been up in the loft yet to get the prop thing down? If not, why not? It might mean baby can go comfortably into his cot with the monitor so all three of you can get some sleep.

I'm not surprised he's sulking - he's probably as shocked by last night as you were. He knows you don't trust him so actually what good can he do downstairs? TELL HIM HE CAN HELP BY GETTING THE STUFF DOWN FROM THE LOFT. There's a small chance it will work as an olive branch too.

Though I also think your baby bouncer looks absolutely fine for sleeping - it is much more reclined than many bouncer (I have a very upright one which I wouldn't let a baby sleep in) - let the baby sleep in that next to you with a monitor, set your alarm for every 2-3 hours to check on him if you want and get some sleep!

Do you have a sling? Could you strap him to your DH in that for him to sleep? If DH has to walk round until morning while you finally get some sleep, so be it. He's had enough sleep the other nights ;) my DH has had to do this a few times with my cot refusing (tho thankfully not refluxy) baby when i've had noro and couldn't stand co-sleeping and feeding through the night.

You really, really need some sleep. It's for his benefit too. You'll see much more clearly and feel much more stable once you've got even a few hours, I'm sure of it.

I did tilt the cot on 3 house bricks And put the Snooz harness on but he wouldn't settle. He has been in a lot of pain tonight, worse than ever. He has had high pitched screaming for about 2 hours and brought back his whole last bottle. I don't know why he's worse tonight than usual.

I wish I could try sleeping with him on my tummy, on his tummy etc. but I'm too scared so I wouldn't sleep anyway. It's been drummed into me so much about cot safety that that's all I can do.

DH has gone upstairs to bed so I'm down here again on my own. I really don't think there's any coming back from this for me. He knows I've hardly slept for more than 72 hours and am feeling sick with exhaustion but he doesn't seem to care that much. He pretends he does but when it comes down to it he cares more about himself than us.

My dc both had reflux like this, it is really hard and I am very sympathetic. The sleep deprivation really does drive you mad.

TBH the only thing that worked for me was propping myself upright in bed so that my chest was at around 45 degrees and holding the baby on me at night. I could sort of snooze that way. I effectively turned myself into a human tucker sling! I tried an actual tucker sling and that didn't work, ds needed to be against my body. A hammock was a non starter, it's still sitting somewhere unused.

The good news is that he is already on the meds at 10 weeks, they can take a while to work but they do tend to eventually kick in. We didn't manage to get them to give us meds for ds1 until he was 4mo, that was the longest 4 months of my life (I live in a country where docs 'don't believe in reflux', apparently).

I know your dh is not covering himself with glory, but I do have a tiny bit of sympathy for him too - I know dh found it hard dealing not only with ds being unwell but also me turning into the most extreme example of the 'mother bear' phenomenon. 7 years on he still looks slightly shell-shocked when he talks about how I behaved! (he is massively supportive and actually respects me for it at the same time, but it can come as a bit of a shock I think)

From his perspective, what can he do? He tried to help but was found wanting and kicked out of the house. If he thinks he's going to be useless then he might as well not bother.

Two hours of screaming is enough to drive a fully-rested person loopy. You wouldn't want him to judge you by your current actions; don't judge him by his.

He probably does care, I think you are so wrapped up in this cycle of reflux, and lack of sleep, fear of breaking "the rules" that he doesn't know what he can do to help. If the baby will sleep in the bouncy chair, put him in it, put it beside your bed and try and get some sleep. You really need to get some help for you, and try to relax a bit. You can't live your life like this.

So many people have empathised but feel you are being unreasonable to your DH. Whilst I feel for you, I really feel for him.

I've pm'd you but I forgot to say that I am another one who propped myself up on pillows to about 45degrees then DS slept on me - his tummy to my chest. He needed the comfort and angle and I needed him close. We slept like that for about 6 months.