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Original poster

To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

294 replies

MrsSeanBean1 · 01/05/2014 23:13

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next Sad and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/05/2014 12:08

When I was still in hospital with my second she slept on my chest sometimes when I couldn't get her to settle in the cot.

Seemed better than keeping everyone else awake.

MidniteScribbler · 03/05/2014 12:08

DS did not have reflux, but he would get absolutely hysterical everytime I tried to put him down in his cot on his back. After nights of sitting up holding him and napping in a chair. The night that I sat there with tears pouring down my face due to lack of sleep, I plonked him in his cot in desperation, propped him on his side and went to bed. Cue eight hours of sleep for both of us and he's slept through the night ever since. All the baby books in the world can tell you to sleep your child in a certain position, but it means squat if your child doesn't read those same books. You need to do what works for your child and for your own sanity.

Please do continue to push your GP for help, and do try talking to your DH. Remember, he is the child's parent as well and deserves to have his perspective on how he is being cared for.

Ruralretreating · 03/05/2014 12:10

OP, I also wanted to say I understand your desire do do safe sleeping by the book, especially if you have fears your child my choke. Co-sleeping and letting my DS sleep on his side in his Moses basket were decisions I really struggled with. I started by doing it when I was awake and could supervise or DH could if I slept, until I was comfortable with it.

Fizzyplonk · 03/05/2014 15:35

This thread may have moved on, but I don't have time to read it all.
Just wanted to 2nd the chair suggested by shedding on the 1st page as my DS also slept in that for the 1st few months.

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 03/05/2014 15:51

Well, baby has been whingy and unsettled all day. In desperation I have just put him down in his cot in the living room on his tummy and HE WENT TO SLEEP INSTANTLY!!! It is a revelation. I am too nervous to let him sleep on his tummy at night time but I think I'd be OK in the day if I was sitting in the lounge with him. He's on an Angelcare monitor and a clip on nappy monitor which arrived this morning.

Maybe this is the start of things getting a bit better. Hubby and I are still a bit frosty so I'm going to apologise again, suggest getting a pizza/wine tonight and spend a bit of time together as we have barely seen each other for 3 months :-(

Once again, thank you for all the advice. It has been amazing and I have learnt more about reflux in 2 days on Mumsnet than almost 3 months from the doctors.

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 03/05/2014 15:56

So glad to see you back and to hear that ds is asleep. Let's hope you're coming off rock bottom and that things are getting better. You are a mummy and being a new mummy is very very hard as indeed is coping with a DH who does the wrong thing without meaning to. You are at the beginning of three lives together and all of you are learning - it takes practice. >>>hugs

mummytime · 03/05/2014 16:06

Sleep depravation is a really awful form of torture.
I am so pleased that you now sound a bit better. I hope it gets better from here on.

elfandsafeT · 03/05/2014 17:38

So glad you tried the tummy sleeping, I'm sure after you've tried a couple of times with you awake and observing and seen how much more peaceful the sleeping is you will feel more confident doing it at night. and remember he cannot choke on vomit or inhale it in this position (which I understand is your main fear) - in effect froggy style on their tummies is the recovery position for babies.

Good luck!

WipsGlitter · 03/05/2014 17:41

Great news! I'm sure the wee chap's knackered too. What are you going to do with him tonight! Why not try the bouncy chair beside your bed so you can snooze!

You really must get help for your anxiety, it's an underlying problem making things worse.

DraggingDownDownDown · 03/05/2014 18:06

I am glad that you have apologised to DH but he also has to apologise to you. Not just for going to sleep but for letting you get so exhausted when in fact he has had sleep.

caeleth84 · 03/05/2014 18:40

I'm glad tummy sleeping worked and things are looking a little better.

Just a note on the sleeping on his tummy on your tummy. If you do it skin-to-skin it's actually about the safest place for him. He'll feel your heartbeat and regulate his breathing (and temperature) better than on his own.

So do try it, if only when you're awake. If you see how well it works it might just convince you to get some sleep too :)

ilovemonstersInc · 03/05/2014 18:51

You will notice that once he can roll over on to his tummy he will sleep there. That was ds favourite position and the acid aggrevates them less in that position. If your up for reading a book buy colic solved its brilliant. I was recommended it waaaay too late but theres a lot in there that can help you. Its such a good book.

Also check out littlerefluxers. They are brilliant too.
Flowers
I think your doing fab. It's not easy!

ilovemonstersInc · 03/05/2014 18:51

You will notice that once he can roll over on to his tummy he will sleep there. That was ds favourite position and the acid aggrevates them less in that position. If your up for reading a book buy colic solved its brilliant. I was recommended it waaaay too late but theres a lot in there that can help you. Its such a good book.

Also check out littlerefluxers. They are brilliant too.
Flowers
I think your doing fab. It's not easy!

YellowTulips · 03/05/2014 19:32

So glad you seem to have had some progress with the LO sleeping!

Like you I was determined to follow ever guideline - even when it wasn't working.

In the end - in sheer desperation - I just had to try something different. My DS didn't have reflux, but just wouldn't sleep in his back. 10 years later and he is still a "tummy sleeper".

Sometimes what's "best" really just isn't right for your child and actually does more harm than good. You all need your sleep Smile.

Hope you enjoy the pizza and wine. Thanks

GrassIsSinging · 03/05/2014 19:36

This sounds so stressful and untenable, really, for allof you. If yur baby's reflux is s bad that he cannot be left to sleep unmonitored at all, does he not need to be hospitalised? At the ery least, you need an emergency appointment with your GP and please tell her/him hw bad the situation has become. You cannot go on like this. You poor thing x

GrassIsSinging · 03/05/2014 19:37

Oops think I posted too quickly without seeing the end of the thread. Best wishes, OP x

HauntedNoddyCar · 03/05/2014 19:42

Yay! Honestly sleeping on his front with the monitor is fine overnight. My GP was absolutely fine with me doing it. Practice and build up to it. If he is in your room it will be fine to doze next to him.

Ruralretreating · 03/05/2014 20:11

So glad to see your last post OP. Thinking of you and hoping things improve for you

PastaandCheese · 03/05/2014 20:21

MrsSeanBean pleased you are feeling a bit better. Hope your DH is up for wine and pizza and you are enjoying that.

My DCs haven't suffered reflux but have both enjoyed being on their tummies when they needed winding so I can well imagine it works for reflux.

It was my MIL who first put my DD on her tummy when she wouldn't stop crying. I remember holding my breath waiting for the baby to spontaneously combust or similar but all that happened is she stopped crying. MIL says it used to be recommended to put babies on their tummies when hers were small!

Hope you have a better night.

BorisJohnsonsHair · 03/05/2014 20:24

I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you OP. Looking after a young baby can be such hard work and the sleep deprivation is the worst of all, I know. It won't last forever, but it just seems like it at the time. I hope things get better for you all soon.

partialderivative · 03/05/2014 20:31

MrsSB, look back at your previous posts and realise how much you have moved forward.

The idea of having an pizza and a bottle of wine together was an anathema just a few hours ago.

I don't wish to patronise (but I am jealous of the pizza/wine evening), but you seem to have worked through this so well.

You can give us all hope who may be having difficulties with relationships at challenging times.

jamaisjedors · 03/05/2014 20:36

Just read the whole thread and didn't want to read and run, even if you have had loads of really great advice.

I have totally been there, same meds, same nightmare, but I was bf.

DH took himself off to the spare room because he felt one of us should be getting some sleep to look after our 2 yr old DS.

It took me several years to forgive him and get back to a good relationship - but now I am SO glad we perservered (DH wanted to, I didn't) - sleep deprivation is a terrible thing.

I think for nights I settled on the sofa until 11.30ish in front of a DVD with DS on my chest, to keep him upright for an hour or two after feeding.

We also rigged up a thing like the tucker sling with our sling and some wedges in the cot, but as you say, it's almost impossible to settle them to sleep in something like that.

My GP and the specialist told me the bouncy chair was fine if it was the only way DS would sleep, I used to sleep in my bed with him in the bouncy chair right next to me on the floor.

Often I got 3-4 hrs straight from 11.30pm onwards, and then hours of screaming til about 6am and then a couple more hours.

I also went back to work when he was 3 months old and now have no idea how I did that - I slept every afternoon at the weekend for about a year though!

After about 12 weeks things gradually started getting a bit better, we had to use apple puree to give the omeprazole and gradually upped this, and as he was able to sit up and then got mobile it got easier.

Anyway, I wanted to say I was thinking of you, your thread brought it all back to me, and please stay around for support.

xx

jamaisjedors · 03/05/2014 20:37

Oh and I agree with the others about wine and pizza, I'd say it bodes well for your relationship if you are a big enough person to apologize (I never could have!!! Blush).

Good luck with that.

SoftSheen · 03/05/2014 20:40

My DD slept on her tummy at night from two weeks old, as it was literally the only way she would sleep (even if laid on her back whilst deeply asleep she would be awake screaming within 5 min).

I was well informed about the SIDS risk and stuck to every other element of the advice (room at 18 C, no blankets or pillows, firm (new) mattress, co-sleeping cot next to our bed, EBF etc).

The risk of SIDS is actually very small whichever sleeping position you use.

spottydolphin · 03/05/2014 20:42

my third baby was a tummy sleeper. lack of sleep was killing me as he would settle in his cot but wake up after about 5-10 minutes and then want feeding again Confused

eventually i figured out that he liked being on his tummy, so like you i let him do that during the day but eventually it crept into the night sleeps too because it was really the only way he would actually sleep!
I was ridiculously anxious about it, which i think is understandable tbh, and I'd be anxious doing it with another baby too.... but if it's the only thing that works then I say go with it!