To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

How are you this morning, OP? Are you going to be able to get to GP/HV today?

Op, I'd be happy to chip in for a Respisense monitor. How are you this morning?

Are you getting medical advice for the reflux? Getting the right meds makes a world of difference, and what works for one doesn't work for another, so it's a matter of trial and error. Both my twins had severe reflux for the first 18 months of their lives, so I do know it's hard work. Life got so much better when meds were sorted. Good luck!

Oh OP I really feel for you, but echo that this s completely unsustainable, especially if you are now on your own.

I had a baby with severe reflux, loads of meds, stopped breathing, aspiration pneumonia etc.. When he was in hospital they put him on his front in a raised cot with a monitor under him. We often slept with him at home sat up in the middle of a double bed with him face down on our chest - probably not ideal but propped up with pillows I could sleep like that too and if he had rolled off (which he never did) he would just have bee on the bed. I think if your 2yo is still on an angelcare monitor maybe you might be able to get some help for your anxiety? Have you mentioned this aspect to your GP or hv?

Get a nappy clip monitor then you can have baby next to you while you sleep.

def go and see a gp.

I got about the same amount of sleep, sometimes less than you during the first three months of my DD's life (with hind sight we think she had silent reflux, (if the Dr. who told me it was "just colic" in his breezy "don't be silly" tone was within reach then DH would hold him down for me while I went to town with his steel toe cap boots... I'm joking... just.))

When she finally started sleeping decently at six months I developed raging anxiety disorder to the point that I was terrified of standing up to go brush my teeth because the strain would cause a fatal heart attack (all the while rational side of my brain was screaming "WTF are you like?" at me).

I know that I'm repeating oodles of people up thread but go see your GP if they aren't helpful your health visitor, if they aren't helpful see another GP, you get the picture. My daughter was my only joy for the first year or so of her life, that sounds fine, but it really wasn't.

I've been there with reflux, cmpi, shift sleeping and all those meds/milk for both mine. Absolute hell. I second the tucker wedge (and extra covers for washing). At my worst ds slept in a babybjorn carrier while I slept in an arm chair, he then went into a cot on his front. Other than really saying that tongue tie can make a huge difference (and that most hcp are rubbish at spotting it - even the nurse that eventually snipped ds' tie!) the only thing I can say is that it does end. You can almost wean so do that as soon as you can. Is there anyway you could get a night nanny in? They are very expensive but worth it if you have a credit card. Good luck

Also meant to add your dh sounds caring and like he suspects you are over anxious so he is trying to make sure you can get some sleep whilst acknowledging that it's okay to sleep when the baby sleeps. He knows that if he told you he was sleeping then you wouldn't sleep and he knows you both need to sleep. In a funny way he was looking out for you all.

Oh and regarding the anxiety, not so long ago I was driving the car and I screamed at DP and slammed the brakes on because he took too long (in my mind) to confirm to me that the baby was still breathing

I am now having counselling

I'd be cross with my DH too in this situation. Really cross.

Two nights away? And then falling asleep on the job knowing that you hadn't had any sleep for the previous nights? Awful.

But. But you need to sort this out. The current arrangement isn't sustainable. Investigate all other sleeping possibilities. Nag your GP/paed.

Ask your mum for one nights help, you'll be Amazed how a single nights sleep can help.

Call your DH and have a calm chat. Get your mum to watch the baby for an hour and go for a coffee together, just the two of you.

Good luck OP, sounds tough for you.

Op, I hope your okay, you need to go to the doctors and fight for help for yourself (and I mean the situation..) as hard as you fought for help for your ds..

And on a side note? My dd slept in a bouncy chair for about 4weeks when she was born and I didn't even know about the risks so we just slept on the sofa with her! Obviously a different situation, but I suggest calming down with dr google (if that's what's happened with the bouncy chair?) as sometimes, what you don't know doesn't hurt you... I really hope your okay

You poor thing.
I'm impressed by all the support re: reflux on here. It really is a ghastly thing to deal with.
I think it sounds as though your ds needs to have a paediatric follow up for further nad ongoing investigations and I assume that's going to happen, from what you said.
I don't know what you said to your HV, or how good she is, but whilst it's perfectly possible to be tired and tearful without having PND, if you've said to her what you've told us then I'm very surprised she said you're "ok"
So I'd get back to her or the GP.
This will pass. It will pass.
I can understand why you don't want to call your DH. Although I think it makes sense to have him around ATM tbh.
But has he called you?
How was it left? Where is he? Is he usually supportive? Does he understand how you're feeling? Why isn't he banging the door down to make it better?

Well, I managed to get a few bits of sleep here and there. I took baby up to bed with me about 2am and tried to put him down next to me in his crib. It is angled on 2 bricks and a set of space babies bed blocks. He eventually nodded off but kept slipping down so I slept in bed with my hand through the bars sort of holding him in place. The acid woke him about every 30mins for a cough and a cry but I kept getting him back off until 6.30am when he screamed the place down and we had to come back downstairs.

It does seem like maybe the wedge thing with the harness is the key. I will try and look at all the options suggested today when my DD has a nap later. We have quite an expensive swing thing that we bought in desperation but baby hates it so I might be able to sell that and put the money towards the wedge.

Unfortunately DHs mother remarried after his father died and, although his DM and step father are both nice people they live an hour away and very much have their own life. They often say to phone them if we ever want them to babysit but then are always busy with their own life if you see what I mean.

It is normally my side of the family that helps us out. My grandparents are living with my parents as they are both ill with terminal cancer and, although we are trying out best to get support for them, it is very slow in coming. For example, we have been told that the adaptions they need to their own house in order to move back there could take up to a year and that we are lucky that they are not in social housing as then it would take 18 months! It is likely that they will both be dead by then. We are trying to negotiate the benefits system to get them some money to help with care but it is an absolute maze, especially when you are trying to look after them as well.

Whilst writing this baby has projectile vomited his entire morning bottle so I don't think the cot agreed with him. I will phone the GP when they open at 8.30 and see if they can refer me back to the hospital as we were discharged from there.

Mrs you are both going through a hard time, it sounds like an exhausting routine your putting yourselves through. HV sounds unhelpful, definitely the GP route and try the suggestions other Mumsnetters have made. Give your dh a call, you need him right nice too. I am sorry I am not more helpful have a [tea] and some

My sister can come over tomorrow to babysit while I have a sleep. She has a 1 year old who will have to come with her but she should be able to look after baby when DD sleeps

I agree with other posters - your DH was probably telling you what you wanted to hear, and I can't see that he could have done anything else. Everyone has to have some sleep, and your situation was unsustainable.

Ask him to come back, go back to your doctor and tell them exactly how bad things have got, and look into other sleep options. Whereabouts in the country are you? A local MNer might have something you can borrow? I've got an Amby hammock packed away in the loft if you're near me - south-west.

This might be obvious to many ppl but i feel its worth pointing out that having PND doesn't mean that you're not suited to motherhood, or that you don't like your baby, or you're depressed about having had a baby (well, that happens of course, but it's not what pnd means)
It's often related to grief/ trauma/ stress and sleep privation. And anxiety is a significant component, sometimes seen as the "flip side" of the low mood. Its awful to have and it's treatable.

A good friend of mine had a baby with reflux. She also had pnd. He's At school now and she's widely considered to be a totally fabulous and enormously capable mother. Her darker times are well being her.

Your ILs are only an hour away and offer to babysit? Get them booked in! Even if they are busy, knowing you'll haves break next week/month is a enormous help.

MrsSeanBean1 I dont know where you are, but if you are local ish to me I have Tucker sling and one of the monitors that clips to babies nappy. I am more than happy to pop them over help you set them up, put the kettle on a have a chat. You are welcome to borrow them for a while and see if it helps you / your baby. If it does then maybe you will be able to sleep and get some rest and then work out what you want to do.

Take heart, it does get better, reflux is terrible but lots of people have been there and whilst it is a living hell at the time EVENTUALLY it does start to improve, then they start crawling and get worse again, then they start walking and get a bit better and eventually it does improve.

OP - can you try to contact your husband today? I know right now you can't bear to have him near you but look, you have children together, you're struggling and from what you've said I'm sure he's struggling too. Just keep communication open and please tell your GP that your anxiety has reached a level where you threw your husband out because he fell asleep. I think you need some support with the anxiety as well as with the little one's reflux.

Sending you hugs... From previous postings your dh sounds like a good one. You both exhausted. Talk to gp. You need some support. Hand holding to give you strength. Wish I lived nearer as I'd babysit and let you sleep.

Hi. I have a snoozzz sleep wrap positioner. I can't link to it but its available on amazon and the baby reflux website if you want to see it. It keeps the baby in place on whatever wedge or tilt system you use.

It comes with two harnesses - one for 0-3 months and one for 3-36 months. I no longer have the 0-3 months but I have the 3-36 months that you should be able to use in a few weeks time. I'm happy to post it to you if you send me your address. You can keep it. I don't have a wedge as I had one specially made for an awkward sized cot. I have the instructions too.

Mine had terrible reflux but are better now and healthy, happy kids.

Reflux makes almost everyone depressed/anxious/totally broken. How you are feeling is understandable. One big difference in how I coped with my two cases of reflux is that second time around I just asked for and took help from everywhere I could get it. That and the sleep positioner made it much easier. Still tough but better than going crazy on your own in the early hours.

Can post the wrap to you very soon if it would help? (It needs a mattress depth of 15cm so that it's secure)

OP you have huge sympathy from me. Nothing is easy when this sleep deprived. I had some very dark times when I was sleep deprived - DD took a long time to learn to sleep through the night.

In her case she had colic and feeding issues caused by a grade IV lip tie and posterior tongue tie. Ties can cause issues for both breast and bottle feeding and cause the baby to gulp a lot of air. She also fed little and often until she was well over a year, then couldn't wean properly because she couldn't move solid food around her mouth. Things eased a lot after we had the lip tie revised.

I mention all this because ties are incredibly common with reflux babies and are spectacularly under diagnosed by NHS professionals. Have you looked in your DC's mouth yourself for ties? Try here for detail: theleakyboob.com/2012/11/the-basics-of-tongue-and-lip-tie-related-issues-assessment-and-treatment/

I always post this and am usually told that baby has been checked for ties by a HV/GP/MW and declared fine, then eventually the parent checks and finds a tie. It's such a simple check and an easy fix if at is is present, and it could well improve symptoms instantly.

I can offer further advice and others may be along with more experience but I couldn't let it go unmentioned; the revision made such a difference with my daughter and I so wish we'd done it sooner. She was so unwell and skinny before the revision but put on 1lb in 3 weeks afterwards (having taken 5 months to put on the previous pound).

Huge hugs, you sound exhausted. As others have said, I'd be pushing for much more investigation with the GP (hard when you have no energy to fight), and exploring tummy sleeping/wedges etc.

Hi miss bean - it sounds like you are having a really, really tough time and my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you ended up fighting with your husband, I think you need to ring him and ask him to come back. You are obviously sleep deprived and full of worry about your son so I can understand why your frustration would lead you to reacting the way you did - hopefully your husband will too.

Was his sleeping just a one off? If it's something that he does most of the time he is on 'baby watch' then it shows that the parent sleeping does not put the baby at risk as obviously your son has been fine under the. Are of his sleeping dad. I obviously don't know the extent of your DS's problem but I'd imagine that just being in the same room with him would be enough. My DS also suffers from reflux (though not to the extent of your baby) and although I worry about him being sick in his sleep the absolute second He makes any noise that may even slightly indicate he is being sick my body immediately wakes up - it's like an inbuilt system we have to keep our young safe. No matter how deeply asleep I am, my brain is always tuned in to what my baby is doing. Although it's easy for me to suggest this to you and abandon the 24 hour baby watch, I understand that to make such a the transition would be a HUGE thing for you.

The system you currently have is completely unsustainable and for any professional to think your set-up is acceptable then I question their sanity and their professionalism. If they are saying that a baby is not safe to be sleeping unless there is an adult watching at all times then it clearly means the baby hasn't got the right treatment in place. To expect 24/7 monitoring is ludicrous.

You need to go back to your GP, break down in tears if that is how you feel and say you need help.

Definitely take up the advice of previous posters about all the different sleeping aids as there has to be something out there that suits your needs. As has been said, this level of sleep deprivation is unsafe and extremely bad for your health - you need to think about other options that are out there and make that leap into trying alternative methods to the one you are using now.

Good luck calling your husband, I'm sure he will be completely understanding. I know how things like this can test relationships but you really do need his help and support x x x