To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

I haven't much to add to the excellent and kind advice given above.

But I was in a similar frame of mind when my baby was tiny. I was waiting for him to die, also my DH and older DC, and felt completely powerless to change that outcome. It wasn't frightening because it was inevitable, but it was exhausting and sad. I didn't trigger the PND questionnaire either because I wasn't depressed, I was anxious.

But unlike you I had a very good mw and a very good hv and a very good gp who all talked to each other and to me, pointing out that what I was predicting was actually vanishingly unlikely and it wasn't acceptable for me to feel as desperate as I did. Even though I didn't believe them, I found it comforting that other people thought that.

So I shall say to you: what you most fear is very very unlikely - listen to those on the thread with experience of very refluxy babies. And it is not acceptable for you to feel this desperate.

An hour is nothing for people to travel to help people they love, so take that help, even once, to get a good solid lump of sleep behind you. The kit being suggested is within your means - buy it on a credit card so you don't have to wait. Minimise the definite risks using the kit.

Good luck.

Where do you live missbean - if it's near me (Leicestershire/Warwickshire way) then I'd be more than happy to baby watch so you can get some sleep x

Have a look at these.
www.respisense.co.uk/

They clip onto the baby's nappy so it doesn't matter if they're not lying down.
they're vey little and don't get in the way.
I used mine all the time, that way you can relax if they drop off to sleep in the pram or car.

Get your dh back. He didn't fall asleep on purpose. You can not carry on like this as you being exhausted puts both dc and yourself at risk. You must talk to a doctor asap and go back to the hospital. Maybe a HV can hep you find a safe and comfortable sleeping place for the baby. You are not reasonable to throw your dh out but the state you are in is not your fault. You need help.

go to your Health Visitor and tell her what you have said on here. You need more adult support in the home so you can get some sleep at least. Ask for help. If HV no help go to GP.

I'd also say apologise to your dh and never make a big decision when under such stress

Can't you leave baby to sleep with his feet at the bottom end of the cot?

Other than that, what a situation!

Hope you both get some sleep soon & sort things out with your husband.

Take all the help you can!

Im going to echo everyone else. You nees to go to the gp or hospital and demand help. You cannot continue like this. You just can't - you need sleep. You must seek help - its part of your role as a mummy protecting her babies. You're doing a fabulous job but you need to try something different now. Its time.

You also need dh back now. Now now. You need help and immediately and he will be of assistance to your babies in getting this. He can corroborate ypur version of whats happening, mind older dc and push when you are being dismissed.

Thank you everyone! You have just jogged my sleep deprived memory that I have a Snooz!! I for it for my daughter as she was a very sicky baby and I had to prop the cot with her. It is in the loft so I will hunt it out later for tonight!

It is very interesting about the lip tie. My daughter has a very bad one and she had colic, was a poor feeder etc. I only noticed it after seeking help for her unexplained speech delay. However, everyone I have asked about it has dismissed it as not important. She gets the lip tie from DH.

I have had a quick check for ties on the baby but I need to do a proper one. I will use your link and have a good look.

I have an unused respisense monitor, if you'd like it. I'm not at home at the minute, but I could send it next week. I bought it for DS, but he ended up always falling asleep on me and there was never a good time to put it on him. I had the same thing as you, where I feel like after years of infertility we were just too lucky to get him and it couldn't last.

I really recommend the amby nature's nest too.

OP if your daughter had lip tie I'm sure your son will too. I know that a lot of medical professionals dismiss the links, but there's growing support and knowledge about ties. It is lost knowledge in many ways.

The main reason that the NHS dismiss is that there is very little evidence about the impact of ties. There is very little evidence because there is very little research. There is very little research because it is not in the interest of the pharmaceutical industry to find research into a revision procedure that is one-off, relatively inexpensive, and requires no long term medication, no prescriptions for milk powder, etc etc. so we're stuck in a bit of a bind in this situation. However the anecdotal evidence is hugely supportive so that's something at least, in absence of real research.

God OP, thinking of you. No advice on the reflux but agree this is not sustainable.

Think about the monitors. Happy to chip in some sui you can get it sooner, you need a proper night's sleep.

It is such a relief that some of you have felt the same way as me as sometime I feel as if I'm completely insane. With my DD and now with my DS I do feel as if it's inevitable I will lose them and that every day with them is a bonus. I feel relief every morning when I wake up and they are still ok.

This all started about 6 years ago when my sister was suddenly misdiagnosed as having a rare form of terminal lung cancer. In fact she had Hodgkin's lymphoma which was eventually cured but we spent a few weeks thinking she would definitely die. I had my first panic attack at that time. It was such a difficult time as I had to support my mum as well who was almost destroyed by the stress of it all as well as help look after my sister. I was going through my own TTC nightmare at the same time so I'm sure the 2 are linked. Before that I had never experienced a day of anxiety or depression.

www.home-start.org.uk/findsupport/search

Hugs to you for being so sleep deprived, it's awful isn't it. The effects of sleeplessness are really tough.

Speak to your Gp, get your Hv to come out and see you and see if someone at homestart can give you a sympathetic ear and help. Home start is a brilliant charity and there really is no stigma attached in getting help from them.

Regarding your dh falling asleep, I can understand your rage, really I can but you are bu as you probably know. Whatever happens the two of you need to work together and he can't let you do all the night shifts if indeed they are needed. You could also go to the local sure start cc and see if anyone can help you there. Xx

Op you need your dh to help you call him and get him back, you need to seriously push for help from gp and any other specialist going for you. You sound seriously anxious about losing your children and it's not healthy.

I would also second suggestion about your dd going to childcare if she isn't already to give u a break, I would also knock her groups on the head until you are in a better mindset don't add in pressure at the moment.

We've all been there! I have never felt so low as I did after 10 months of continual sleep deprivation. Like you I was anxious and catastrophizing, while desperately getting out to classes and groups to fill the time, look like I was coping, and mean I wasn't stuck at home being desperately angry and sad about how tired I was and how no one was helping.

Given your history I'm not surprised you are deeply worried. The things you're worrying about are vanishingly unlikely and also not in your control. With all the strategies in the world you can't control everything. At this stage you need to think about the consequences of sleep deprivation (poor decision making, reaction time, anxiety, anger etc).

You've made all the sensible provisions that a great parent would. Now you need to take a deep breath and let go a little bit. The monitors and wedges will help but you will wake up if your son is sick, plus he's getting head control now. Anxiety not rationality is controlling you now.

As for your DH, well, sleep deprivation makes us all stupid and angry. He should be supporting you but you need to let him have a say as an equal parent too. I completely empathise with the boiling rage, loneliness, and dismay you must have felt but not all of that is reasonable.

Good luck

Ah you poor thing.

I agree with others that this is probably anxiety exacerbated by sleep deprivation. Ds was prem with reflux and it was fucking awful. The GP told me 2 lots of 2 hours sleep doesn't equal 4 hours of sleep and isn't sustainable. I ended up on sertraline for anxiety which helped.

The other thing that helped was getting a cot monitor and putting him on his tummy to sleep with the Moses basket slightly angled so he didn't slide. That was the first time he slept for more than 30 minutes. Could you try that today? My GP and hv both said it was ok with the monitor.

Ds improved on meds. Still threw up a lot but wasn't in pain. By the age of 1 it was so much better and by 18 months it was gone.

We also had had a terrible time getting our dc so totally understand that fear of something nasty coming down the road.

I have phoned the GP and got an appointment today. Hopefully he will refer us back to the hospital

What horrible past experiences - no wonder you're catastrophising.

But take steps today - go up in the loft when there's someone to hold the ladder, get an urgent GP appointment or see a better HV and use the word "anxiety". Telling them you expect to lose your child (rather than "fear") will show them how serious it is.

Being "Supermum" is a feature of this high anxiety so watch out for it. A 2yo doesn't need a lot of formal groups and I'd suggest that until you're better rested you ought to reduce your driving to a minimum.

Tell your husband you think you're ill. He may agree. That gets you past the awkwardness. Are you still angry with him? You could text him saying that in the cold light of day you can't believe you threw him out and please come back, you need him.

Ive been in a situation like this but never stayed awake with ds while he was asleep unless I was waking up to check on him. Sounds like you need to
1 speak to dh
2 speak to gp
my ds has severe reflux. Hes 4 in September and is now fed via tube in his stomach as he stopped eating and drinking completely due to pain. Hes still under hospital care and is still very underweight.

You would hear your child if they were choking as he would more than likely be screaming too.
Fwiw most kids grow out of reflux by 6 months and 1 year. Ds is in a very small minority who dont but he has underlying issues

Is the GP appointment for you or the baby? You need both x

I also suffer from anxiety. I can pinpoint my first panic attack but dont know why that set me off.
its not nice thinking something is going to happen to your dc. Ive had to try and deal with it as I dont have a choice really. Hes still ill. Still needs treatment and we are currently fighting to get him seen by a better gastro who he saw 18months ago. My ds got to dying point at 18months and it was this one gastro who helped him
I hace

I also second looking for a lip/tongue tie both upper and lower (sometimes the upper lip runs through the teeth) This affects latch and swallowing considerably.

It does run in families, my husband has it and so did both my children, although both have now been snipped (not the upper lip tie, I've left that in one of them).

Just something to rule out. Many paeds/HV/MW are a bit rubbish at diagnosing though, might be better to get an opinion from a specialist clinic (private) or someone like Mr Griffiths at Southampton who has clinics for this- again privately. You can get it done on the NHS but for me, this proved slow and problematic so I just had them done privately.

If they don't have one- all the better but it is definitely something to check as the choking is very symptomatic of tongue-tie, my dd1 had is and choked/gagged continuously on food when weaning and had a terrible latch.