To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

[MrsSeanBean1]

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

Oh love :(

You are not ok, this situation is not ok. And you need help

Go to the gp tomorrow, book an emergency appointment. Show them this thread if you can't get then to understand how desperate you are - I found alot of fobbing off with post natal and young babies, you have to really insist and that's not easy when you're struggling to survive each hour.

I also think you need to phone your mum. I know she's suffering herself, but you can't go through this alone.

I don't have any advice about your dh, apart from don't do anything on the spur of the moment either way. It could be sortable, or not. Alot of worrying stuff in your OP, and not all explained away by sleep deprivation. But it may not be worst case scenario either.

Take care of yourself please. X

OP have sent you a PM

I'm sorry I just can't bring myself to phone DH and ask him to come back. I know he should but I am so angry at him still that we will just end up having another almighty row.

If he had just fallen asleep then so be it, these things happen but it was the fact that it was obviously a nightime ritual...pack me off to bed, make himself a nice little bed on the sofa with pillow and blanket then get an extra 3 hours sleep before going upstairs at 11.30 and having another 6 hours......all while I think he is watching the baby and I am existing on hardly any sleep at all. He looked as guilty as heck when I said it was obvious he did this every night.

If he felt that the baby didn't need watching then he should have spoken to me about it, if he felt too tired I've always said to just come up and wake me up, I would never have minded and he knew that. It's just the lying that has upset me the most. What is something had happened to the baby on his watch?? How would he have lied his way out of that?

I understand what you are saying and why you are so angry and upset.

However, can I say as gently as possible that the routine you endeavouring to maintain just isn't feasible.

You both need to address the root cause of the issue - which is finding a way to let the baby sleep safely, so both of you can get some rest.

I feel guilty but I need to get to bed now - work tomorrow.

I'll check your thread tomorrow and pl consider what I said in my PM.

Pl go see your GP. You can't possibly go on like this.

She did the PND question thingy and I am fine apparently

You're either minimizing or you're too much in the thick of it to see clearly. Well adjusted people are not hyper stressed about their babies dying. You are very obviously not coping right now. Understandably so, I'd be a total wreck right now if I had a baby with health issues like that. The problem is that sometimes when people are in a mental state they don't realize they are. Your brain unfortunately is not the best judge of what is wrong with itself, and cannot give an unbiased opinion.

Take a deep breath. Your baby is not going to die. If he was truly in that much danger, he would be in the hospital under constant surveillance. If your husband has truly fallen asleep every time, and he is still alive that is pretty tangible proof that he is not going to die (and if something happened to him on his watch, he would have heard it and woken up) Babies are more hardy than we give them credit for. I have a friend whose sons both had acid reflux and they have grown up to be healthy, rambunctious boys.

Your situation is not sustainable on your own, it's not even sustainable with two people. If you stay awake this stressed you're going to stress yourself right into psychosis which is dangerous not only for you, but for your children as well. I cannot stress this enough. You will not know you are in psychosis. You will not know you are being irrational. You could do something that is dangerous thinking it makes sense, or you could be too overwhelmed to remember to care for your children. You NEED to sleep and take care of yourself before you can take care of your baby.

I have no experience with AR, but what my friend did was she put both her boys on their stomachs to sleep. Not ideal, but it reduces the risks of choking. You said you have a breathing monitor, can you put that on him? Can you put the baby in the bedroom while you sleep? That way if he starts choking or isn't breathing you'll hear it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping next to him where you can hear him and keep an eye on him. Why not put him in the room where you can both hear him, so if something happens you have two people that will hear it.

Call your husband back up. He is not your enemy right now. You're both stressed and you two will get through this together. You don't even have to apologize, just tell him you need his help. Then make another appointment asap and don't leave the doctor's until you get a better solution than what you're doing now.

Good luck and keep us all posted. :)

I have a baby nephew who has incredibly, incredibly severe reflux (needed an op which is a whole other story)...eventually tube fed it was so bad, so you are not alone with your refluxy baby.
His parents had hospital involvement and he sleeps in a cot in their room at night, but during the day has to sleep in a bouncy cradle to prevent choking.

This is unusual but not unheard of- ask for help with your medical practitioner, who will give you guidance on jow to manage. I know they did not sleep in shifts..broken sleep but they did not stay awake to watch him constantly.

It sounds like you are very sleep deprived and overreacting. If your body needs sleep, you sleep. This is why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture- because it is so awful. Be kind to yourself and your husband and get medical help.

Can you put your dd in nursery for one day or two mornings a week to give you a break? Also, can you ask your husband's family to babysit during the weekend so that you can both catch up on sleep during the day?

My ds was prem and had bad reflux similar to your baby, we raised the cot & then put him on a huge firm wedge pillow which helped. My ds was also on the same meds as yours and I will say they do grow out of it as they wean on solid food because the food is heavy & stays down better.

I bought the bugaboo bee because it had a multi recline function as opposed the standard flat pram. That helped when we where out & I used to walk a lot with him because the rhythm helped him sleep.

Please involve your GP & health visitor for further help & a second opinion if necessary. You are both sleep deprived & may cause yourselves more harm than good operating in the way that you are currently.

You're massively overreacting, but that's allowed, due to your sleep deprivation.

I also have a reflux baby. I'm currently up with her now, have been for hours as she can't sleep.

Do yourself a favour - beg borrow or steal the money to get a baby hammock. They are magical for reflux babies. I just wish she hadn't grown out of hers.

My ds had horrific reflux very prem stopped breathing etc, we were given a breathing monitor that atatches to his skin and told to put him to sleep on his front in an angled cot, made a massive difference, we were also prescribed a special infant formula that set like cement in his stomach so it didnt come back cant think of the name, as well as all the meds. I had a book that helped loads too i will try and find it cant remember what it was called at the min. When itwas really bad he slept in a sling while i slept sat up on the sofa, wedged so i didnt move, but we had a breathing monitor of course.

This book
www.amazon.co.uk/Colic-Solved-Essential-Infant-Difficult-To-/dp/0345490681/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1399001335&sr=8-2&keywords=reflux+baby+book

And this one
www.amazon.co.uk/Reflux-101-Parents-Guide-Gastroesophageal/dp/0557028701/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0RYVQXB5FVZG5HE801K1

And this clip on monitor is fab, also customer service are A1 if you have any problems with it.
www.amazon.co.uk/Respisense-Ditto/dp/B001BX76TI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399001463&sr=8-1&keywords=respisense

We also used Mams bottles to help with taking in too much air when feeding.....

Also Milk was called Enfamil AR wonderful stuff precribed by consultant.

You poor poor thing, a baby with bad reflux is horrendous and relentless.....

I would really recommend either a hammock or one of those fixed baby swings. DS2 slept in a bouncy chair for a short while until we discovered these!

How seriously are your paediatric team taking it? Has he had a barium swallow or pH study? Is his weight gain ok?

It really is not sustainable to be awake 24/7, you will be in no fit state to look after yourself let alone your children at this rate. I know you are angry with your DH and I can understand that but you need to pull together and you need help, you can't do this alone.

Go see your GP and explain how unmanageable this situation is for all your sakes. Make them realise how much this is impacting you and that you need help.

We had a similar situation with ds but only for a couple of weeks, he had rs virus and it was recommended by the Dr at hospital that ds sleep in his car seat, I was worried about his breathing so we stayed awake in shifts. We only had one baby and he was in hospital, dp was given time off work to be with us ( a week) and we had our own room.

A nurse sat us down and actually said it was more dangerous doing the silly shift sleeping as we were exhausted and exhausted parents make mistakes. I would think that parenting a toddler and baby whilst very sleep deprived is more dangerous than the risk from sleeping in a bouncer.

Please call your husband, you guys need to stick together. Hope you get some sleep. Can he take over for 8 hours at the weekend and let you sleep for that long stretch?

Agree, you need to stick together.

I too had a baby which stopped breathing twice, the first time completely out of the blue.
It sends you into a permanent panic mode, even though you appear to be quite rational.
He was in and out of hospital, it was caused by a virus.
He slept in our bed between us until he was 18 months. I'm sure I could not have slept at all if I didn't have him there to constantly check on him, I only had to open my eyes.

Your system is unsustainable and I would really like to ask the person who thought it was fine for one parent to be awake at all times to watch the baby if she/he is crazy. Because it is.

Your fears have gone into overdrive. You haven't cheated nature and you will not be punished. Babies are quite tough you know.
I'm appalled that you haven't had more support and proper advice from the docs, and what did the HV do to support you after you broke down crying? A questionaire which you scored ok on and then shoved you out? That's bad.

Please look into the wedges and monitors, anything that will make you feel your baby is safe and will let you sleep.

Please have a talk with dh, don't let this wreck your relationship.

OP do you have any of the receipts from buying the Neocate? I was wondering if you could claim back the money, considering your baby gets free prescriptions? It may not be possible, and sleep is a much higher priority right now, but could be worth looking into at some point.

My daughter has cmpa and silent reflux and it almost killed me in her first year. It almost broke our marriage too, so I understand some of what you are going through. Looking back I can see I wasn't rational but genuinely felt that nobody could/would help and I was responsible for it all. It's an extreme anxiety made worse by lack of sleep.

Op, I don't think your hv has helped you at all by saying you're fine. You might be fine ( ie, not pnd) but no sleep is not fine at all, and you can see first hand the effects of no sleep - and you need help.

I hope you didn't have too bad a night, I hope your dh came back too.
Whatever happens, go to the doctors and ask them to check your baby again ( Not the HV) and say how you feel.

I hope someone is with you to help and let you rest.

I'm not suggesting you have no reason to be anxious, it sounds like you're having an awful time with the babies reflux etc, but anxiety is worsened by lack of sleep. I think you need to go back to your gp and let them know you are literally not sleeping at all and ask for more support. Anxiety is as much a medical condition as depression. You may need some proper help and medication to help with this, just as much as the treatment for your babies reflux may need tweaking.

I have two dc and the youngest one had awful reflux. I didn't want to sleep at all either and had many nights of him sleeping in a bouncy chair. I sympathise.

I'd agree with posters suggesting anxiety. The situation you describe is completely unsustainable and, while I know you are angry, I don't think throwing DH out s a good plan.

Ring the HV, visit your GP, get some help with it all x

It mite be that you don't have PND, but you could well have post natal anxiety it's 10 more common then PND and isn't screened for the stranded PND don't pick it up.

I go have a chat with your GP about it. See if there is a local mental health service in your area often you can self refer for an assessment. They will be able to tell what's what.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/anxiety.html?gclid=CLKrjvDKjL4CFe3JtAodfwgAhA#.U2M3iJHTWTk

Here's some info on post natal anxiety.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/anxiety.html?gclid=CLKrjvDKjL4CFe3JtAodfwgAhA#.U2M3iJHTWTk

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/anxiety.html

sorry link isn't working on my phone.

I think your DH was humouring you by pretending to be awake while actually sleeping. I know that feels deceitful and humiliating but maybe he was right and you don't need to be on constant watch? Remember he is a parent as much as you are. He gets as much say as you do. And your baby was fine while your DH slept too.

I really do appreciate your anxiety (12yrs of infertility before I got pg with my baby) I also feel over anxious and think my baby is too good to be true and will be taken away from me but I try to listen to my DP who is in a more balanced place emotionally/mentally.